WRITING ADVICE: Can This Story Be SAVED? #33 “A Quantum Echo At Taconite Harbor” (Submitted 4 Times Since 2020; 1 Revision (3/2023))

In September of 2007, I started this blog with a bit of writing advice. A little over a year later, I discovered how little I knew about writing after hearing children’s writer, Lin Oliver. In April of 2014, I figured I’d gotten enough publications that I could share some of the things I did “right”. I’ll keep that up, but I’m running out of pro-published stories. I don’t write full-time, nor do I make enough money with my writing to live off of it, but someone pays for and publishes ten percent of what I write. Hemingway’s quote above will remain unchanged as I work to increase my writing output and sales, but I’m adding this new series of posts because I want to carefully look at what I’ve done WRONG and see if I can fix it. As always, your comments are welcome!

In September of 2007, I started this blog witha bit of writing advice. A little over a year later, I discovered how little Iknew about writing after hearing children’s writer, Lin Oliver. In April of 2014,I figured I’d gotten enough publications that I could share some of the thingsI did “right”. I’ll keep that up, but I’m running out of pro-published stories.I don’t write full-time, nor do I make enough money with my writing to live offof it, but someone pays for and publishes ten percent of what I write. Hemingway’squote above will remain unchanged as I work to increase my writing output and sales,but I’m adding this new series of posts because I want to carefully look atwhat I’ve done WRONG and see if I can fix it. As always, your comments arewelcome!

ANALOG Tag Line:

There are Quantum Ghosts, then there are ghost ghosts…

Elevator Pitch (What Did I Think I Was Trying To Say?)

A recluse and her AI salvage boat discover echoes of the past in quantumghost images of a girl shooting baskets in a long abandoned town on OjibweGichigami 

Opening Line:

“It was a good thing Mary Croft didn’t believe in ghosts.

She and Henry, the AI half of their team, were the onlycertified AI-Human magnetic dredge operator on the North Shore of Lake Superiorat the moment.”

Onward:

“Th, Inc, and this tour, the company had trusted them with apublicity stunt. They’d transferred Henry into the cabin of atwo-hundred-and-fifty-year-old, completely refurbished ore tugboat named EDNA G.Built just after the end of the Industrial Revolution, the last steam-poweredboat was retired in the late 20th Century. Crewed by Mary and Henry,it was paraded up and down the shoreline of three of the Great Lakes,celebrating the company’s commitment to the continued recovery of the planet,and the amelioration of the climate changes wrought by the IndustrialRevolution. It was a corporate bonus that her family could trace back to theDeep South and included freed slaves, military genius, and a prominent memberof the team that successfully midwifed the birth of the first true ArtificialIntelligence.”

OK – so THIS IS HORRIBLE! I went from an intriguing firstsentence…into a dull, boring, partly unnecessary monologue! What was I thinking?Granted that I needed background. The reader needs to know where the story’staking place, but this is what is called an “infodump”.

What if I started the story a little bit earlier? She canmaybe be talking to her mom…(which she actually is avoiding until the end)…Icould probably shorten the story even more, making it more marketable if shetalked to her in the first place…I don’t know. I need to see how that works. Itmight shorten the story as well as integrate the action better; rather thanhaving her mom make a 350 mile trip from Minneapolis up to the North Shore.

What Was I TryingTo Say?

There are things wecan’t understand when it comes to quantum mechanics, how it works, and what wecan expect are gradually coming into focus, but for most of us – especially thoseof us who have SOME science background with physics, it’s almost as scary as “ghosts”.And I discovered today, that quantum mechanics has its OWN ghosts: “In theterminology of quantum field theory, a ghost, ghost field, ghost particle, orgauge ghost is an unphysical state in a gauge theory. Ghosts are necessary tokeep gauge invariance in theories where the local fields exceed a number ofphysical degrees of freedom”. That would have been IDEAL to use in the story –as long as I can translate enough of it for me to get the gist of what a “quantumghost” is…

The Rest of theStory:

Here’s anotherterrible mistake: “Mary had enjoyed the steady thrum of the ancient engine andthe absence of conversation as they cut across Lake Superior to the NorthShore.” Using past tense, I’ve (probably earlier even) tossed the reader out ofthe story. Reading it today, after a long separation from it, this phrasecertainly threw me out of the story. How much farther will it throw someone whohas no investment in it?

The rest of thestory concerns a little reconciliation between Mary and her mom; and thepossibility of reconciliation between Mary and an old friend of hers; all ofwhich give it a “Human side”, which doesn’t really provide anything more forthe story itself.

In February of 2021,I got this rejection from the editor at F&SF, Sheree Renée Thomas: “Iappreciated the mining details in this futuristic tale, but I found it tough tofollow your worldbuilding in the exposition, as well as Mary Croft's characterdevelopment (specifically, what was she and what was she doing, what was heractual relationship to the AI since the intro says they worked together for adecade but the robot introduces himself to her later), and so I'm going to passon it for The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction. But I wish you best ofluck finding the right home for it, and I hope you'll keep us in mind in thefuture for your other new stories.”

End Analysis:

I allowed the storyto wander and not “tell the story”. While details are fine – see Sheree Thomasabove – inane detail is NOT. It didn’t add to the story and (from what I read).Didn’t contribute to the forward momentum of the tale. EVERY WORD HAS TO PULLTHE STORY AND THE READER FORWARD! This did – in places – but not enough to sellit. I need to change it so it invites the reader in to experience the world ofthe story.

I’ve got to be morefocused – now that I’ve done a bit of research on quantum “ghosts”, the storymakes more sense. I don’t have to do lots of “sciencey stuff” IN the story (mytarget is ASIMOV’S or ANALOG or F&SF. I hit all of them up before, but thestory’s new and different. Maybe they’ll take it this time!

Can This Story BeSaved?

Oh, FOLKS! Thisplays into another story I’m writing right now…

 

With the advent ofthe AI flap launched by concerns about ChatGPT, this is all everyone in thetech and education world is talking about right now. For some reason, I also neverbothered to see if there was such a thing as a quantum ghost particle…

If I can integratethese subjects into the existing story, maybe I can resub this one and stand abetter chance of saving it. It’s also helped that I read a semi-recent 30thAnniversary collection of the best stories from 1977 to 2006. I confess it wasenlightening in ways…I’m not sure I LIKE entirely. But enough of the storiesstood out to me as exceptional (and I REALLY disliked some of them and my opinionwas that they were there for name-draw only…), it was overall a really goodread. I can see why most of the stories were award winners. I learned, and onceI do a revision, I think I’ll take a submit the story again. So, YES. It can besaved!

Reference: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_(physics)#:~:text=In%20the%20terminology%20of%20quantum,of%20physical%20degrees%20of%20freedom., https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-65139406 (3/31/23; 10:24 am) ChatGPT banned in Italy over privacy concerns -- 2 hours ago, https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/in-a-first-physicists-glimpse-a-quantum-ghost/; https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/in-a-first-physicists-glimpse-a-quantum-ghost/

Reference: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_(physics)#:~:text=In%20the%20terminology%20of%20quantum,of%20physical%20degrees%20of%20freedom. , https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-65139406
(3/31/23; 10:24 am) ChatGPT banned in Italy over privacy concerns -- 2 hours ago
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