Count MyBlessingsPart 2 From Then ToNow and Never Give Up...

Count MyBlessingsPart 2 From Then ToNow and Never Give Up


Ihave cried. I have felt fear. I am not so much afraid to die but cannot abide the thought of leaving those I love and all of the friendsin person and online who have been so loving and supportive in somany ways. I still have an occasional cry but am determined to beginthe journey of living and staying alive.
Ibelieve in prayer and am thankful for all of those who pray for menow and before. I know the good Lord will be with me and see methrough however things work out but am hoping and praying it will befor me to continue in this life. Thethings that I am facing now and will face even more in the nearfuture are so uncertain with the final outcome but I have beenthinking back to other challenging times. Many of the thoughts andfeelings of the past are now again my present.
Ihave wanted to write this for some time now. When I think of thetitle it is impossible to tell of how many blessings I have had in mylife. There are some times and people that do come to mind and I cannot forget.
Rightnow my thoughts have drifted back....way back. We would never havedreamed I would be here today typing and finding so many more thingsin life to be grateful for.Iran across some things I wrote long ago. This is from
January31, 2010 at 12:30pmIwent in on December 28 for a CT scan and waited for the results.Every time I called they did not have the results. Last Wednesday Ihad a doctor’s appointment and was curious to hear what they found.I was shocked. I was happily shocked. I had not explained that lastsummer I found out that the tumor under the aorta was growing. I havelasted so much longer than the six months that we originally thoughtthat I had to live, but have felt for a long time that every day maybe my last.

Unless you have ever suffered a devastatingillness it is hard to explain or for others to understand what it islike when you say that you are tired. I get so very tired there areno words to describe what it feels like to a healthy person. You canwork or play all day and be so tired that you can not stay awake, butit is not a frightening thing or a bad feeling such as the tirednessthat I feel. There is no way for a person to understand what it islike to hurt and live in pain every day of your life and know thereis no escape but death. Even in the late night hours it can wake youfrom a sound sleep, if you get into a sound sleep.

I hadwanted to write books to entertain and hopefully sell and helpsupport myself and family. I had wanted to write poetry and storiesand other things. I wanted to write things that could make otherpeople feel and think. I have tried to do all of these things. I havecompleted 3 novels and hundreds of pages of other works. I havewritten poetry and have another novel well on it’s way. I have notbeen able to find an agent or publisher and fear that time may beshort. I do not and have not given up, but am very tired and havebeen very close to deciding that I am too tired. I am too tired tokeep fighting to go on. I am tired of the constant pain.

WhenI feel like that, I get a visit or call from friends or family butespecially from my angel boy. He really is my little angel. He makesme smile and laugh and look for tomorrow. He helps me to live lifeinstead of being alive. He may never realize how very special he is,but the patience and love he shows is beyond his age of 4. He is ablessing. My daughter brings that little grandson to visit and helpsin every way that she can. She never forgets us and you can see thelove in her eyes.

When it took so long to get the last testresults back I feared that it was not good news. I have made surethis time that I did not run out of the herbal tea. I have evenincreased the amount that I drink. I am trying my best, but how muchcan a little tea do with tumors under the aorta? Essiac tea hashelped more than others would believe.

The Jonesboro ChurchHealth Center has been a life line for me. We do not haveinsurance or the kind of money it would take for the usual medicalcare. This place has served and helped so many people for so manyyears that would otherwise have had to go without any medical help.We are not all eligible for the programs or able to afford insurance.The clinic charges fees that are reasonable and offers not only somemedical care, but excellent care. Thereare all kinds of ways a person can do a job. They can do a job well.They can do it proficiently and efficiently. The people that work atthis place do all of that, but they do so much more. They do theirwork showing compassion, and care in a respectful and intenselysincere manner that allows a patient to feel like a person. It allowsa patient to feel as if there are those that care about them and notjust the case that they are. I know that these people and this placedoes all that it can to help me and that I would not have lived aslong as I have if it were not for them and the way that they careabout other people. When you talk about doing something special inlife, these people do it every day.

There are other peoplethat work with them to help. How can you thank a doctor or specialistthat takes the time to volunteer or treat at reduced, (very reducedrates compared to the normal fees) people who have no way to pay whatthey would have to pay or thank them as they deserve. The doctorshelp so much more than they can realize. If you have a problem and noway to get help you have to either live or die with it. That may be asimplistic way to describe a difficult situation, but it is thetruth. There have been doctors, andthey know who they are, that have helped so much and did it withheart and compassion. They work and have volunteered to help becauseof the special people that they are. I believe that God knows andsees people such as these. Bless you each and every one.

The reason ittook so long to get the results is not because I was being neglectedor overlooked but because the results seemed medically impossible andthey wanted to be sure that they had read the right results in myreport. They double checked and verified that the tumors had notgrown at all. There were no new growths. I am not well or cured, butfor over 8 months things have held as they were instead of gettingworse. That may not sound like much, but to me it is a miracle. If ithad grown as it had before, I would either be dead or not far fromit.

Instead, I am looking forward to warmer weather and ournext visit with the grandson and the times we can go down the roadand listen to the music with friends and neighbors. There is no way Icould say too much about these people and what they have done for me.I do not think that they realize what an impact their friendship hasmeant to both of us. Things are not easy for Albert. There are timesI see the worry in his eyes or the watchful way he spots when I amtoo tired or the pain is unusually intense and it is time to go home.Most of the time, he fixes our breakfast. I try my best to fix theother meals but sometimes he does that too.

I had an idea fora book that I wanted to write that would incorporate these blogs orwhat ever you call this journal like thing I am writing and oftenposting on the internet. I thought about writing a book called ‘IDie a Little Each Day, But Am Not Dead Yet…Not Today.’ I wasafraid that it might be a little to real or depressing for those thatare close to me if they read some of the things that I am actuallygoing through. What I hoped for in writing such a thing, would bethat others who are going through difficult times would realize thatwe can not give up. I will continue to think on that project. I haveso many things in mind that I want to do and write.

There areso many people suffering devastating illnesses and injuries and somany that suffer with pain, disabilities and debilitating disordersor deadly illnesses. It is easy to feel alone. It is easy fordepression to either slowly drift in or descend like a blanket thatsmothers a person. It is easy to feel helpless and hopeless. If Iallow all of that to be my lot in life, then I am already dead evenif I am still alive. I believe that there are so many people thatnever really live their lives. I want to live and be alive. I want tosee the smiles of the grandchildren, hear the laughter and enjoy thegood times. I want to be there to comfort, support, show love andcare. I want to hold them and cry with them when times break yourheart. I want to be, and do, and live. How to do all of that is areal question.
I get sotired and hurt. I am trying to write. If there was a way for othersto know and read my words then I would not be alone. They would notbe alone either as we share thoughts, feelings and dreams and fears.I had hoped that I could find a way to use words to reach out andtouch others. I wanted to be able to use words to paint pictures andmake people feel and think. I hope that I have done that in thenovels and other things that I have written.

Thewoman who lives in the area and had the little boy that suffered theserious burns thanked me a while back. She said that what I wrotetouched them all and that it reached others and made such adifference to so many people that read it that the donations theyreceived after it was published in the newspaper were enough to meetall of the child’s medical needs. What she told me meant so much tome. I could not bake cakes or do a lot of the work to make thefundraiser a success, but if my words could help an injured child,then I had indeed accomplished what I am trying to do with that.Maybe it helped someone else who read it.
Ihave had a few letters to the editor published in the local paper,but I do not think that these things that I write from my heart willbe read or heard. I see no way for people to even know that it ishere for them to share. If we ever get the money to go on line Iwould love to have my own web site and be able to share and try manythings. I used to sculpt and paint. I liked to do bead work andcandles and many other arts and crafts. I may not be able to do a lotof things, but who knows, if I had a place to show and share, theremight be others out there who would want to help and buy the things Imake. They might be able to feel a little less lonely as they readsome of the things I wrote or know that we are never really alone. Ido believe in God and that he is here with us. There are miraclesthat happen every day and often we overlook what is right beforeus.

We may have problems and pray to God saying that there isno way we can work these things out and beg for his help. Later whenthe problems are better we smile and say that we knew all along wewould find a way and we did. There are other times that things happenand we blame God or angrily wonder how he could have allowed such aninjustice or cruelty. I do not have those answers and have eventhought them myself before. What I believe is, that if we knew all ofthe answers we would be God, because only he knows all. It is byfaith and trust in him, that we may find peace and know that all isnot lost. There is more to come.

I am growing very tired andwill take a break and try to write more later today. I have so muchmore I want to share, but it will have to wait.



AsI look back at the words I wrote so long ago I have many emotions andthoughts. They would never have found the mass under the aorta if ithad not been for the pneumonia that had set in. I had coughed so hardthat I broke a rib and by accident they found the mass.
Laterin life I had a terrible pain where I had never hurt before. Itbecame so intense I could no longer stand it and went to thehospital. When they x-rayed my back where the pain was, they saw somuch more. They saw the tumors in the left lung that could soquickly end my life. I could say it was also by accident they foundthem just in time....we hoped it was not too late....WhenI got home from the hospital the spot that had hurt so badly nolonger hurt at all and has never hurt there since.
WhatI had written in 2010 about doctors that volunteered at that clinic Ihave to tell a bit more about one named Dr. Sifford. He is amazing asa doctor and a blessing as a human being who cares for so many andhelps in every way that he can. If I count my blessings, he and thatclinic are blessings to me and so many others.
Dr.Sifford worked with me for years there at the clinic as I have alwayshad upper respiratory problems. Seeing him in different times of needand he was always still there helping those who suffered, offered mea chance to know him. He did not give up on those who reached out tohim. He cares. I have never known him personally or even had a cupof coffee with him but I do think of him as my friend and my doctor. A friend is someone who cares. Once in a while in life you meetsomeone special and he is very special. My whole family feels thesame way about him and all of the help he has rendered. He is that toso many people who reach out to him for help.


Iran across another thing that I wrote August25, 2010 at 2:51pm
I want to make my dreamscome true and not give up.
I said that I was going to write no matter what andbe honest in what I wrote, so here I am. Honestly….I have beentired. I have been very tired, but I am not giving up. I hurt, but Iam not giving in. It is not a stubborn attitude or ignorant denialthat I am not receiving the usual medical course of treatments. Ihave more than one thing wrong and there is no recommended treatment.My previous notes explain all of that in detail. They explain more ofthe whole picture.
What they do not tell is how I have been up all nightbecause I hurt. By morning I could not take it anymore and spentuntil now in the ER, tests, ct scans and all of that. When trying tofind the cause for the pain they found more. They found that thetumor must have metastasized from what it had been and there isanother one large enough they do not want to wait at all for thebiopsy. They know that if they can not find a way to stop it soon Iwill have no more tomorrows. WOW.. this is hard. It is so hard for myhusband and daughter. He and my daughter are the only ones that knowuntil now.
I have been sitting here thinking many things. Icried. I feel frustrated. I feel angry. I feel afraid that I will notbe able to do as I have always said….Make my dreams come true. Notgive up.
A couple of days ago I was so excited. I am going tohave one of my books published. This is what it is….
LIFE GOES ON
The Family offive found themselves in crisis as they were evicted from theirapartment after the father lost his job. With great trepidation theyaccepted help from a relative that offered them a place to live andnew start in life. They had no choices except seeing their familyhomeless in a rough part of the city.
Against protest from the two eldest children theymoved. The differences in all that they had known were immense. Itwas not an easy adjustment for any of them as they experiencedmoments that would test their sense of humor and times that wouldtest their strength of character.
Life became complicated. There were some difficultissues they would have to face and how they responded could have lifealtering consequences. Situations escalated for different familymembers in different ways that could destroy them and those aroundthem or test them and force them to make choices and face theconsequences. Learning what family can mean was a lesson each personlearned in their own way.
This is a story of people and a place they wouldwork to make their home. It is struggle, heart, moments of triumphand times of despair. It is a story that talks to many of us indifferent ways as the characters struggle with life.
They had weathered the difficult transition of therelocation and would face new challenges as life goes on for themall. Life Goes On is a dramatic story worth reading and remembering.



I understand that publishing a book is only one step.How can people know about it, want it, or decide to get it? I amgoing to do my best. This is my dream. I want to publish it then oneother novel before the children’s book and coloring book that goeswith it. Then I have another novel completed and one I am working on.I am not going to give up or give in. I will try to keep my dreamsnot only alive, but make them come true.
As I am doing all of this, I do intend to keep ajournal type of record in my notes here and also on blogspot and anyother I might be able to start. I do at times get tired. I am stillexcited about the book, but the way things are health wise isdifficult. I have been in bad shape before and am not dead yet….NOTTODAY. Lately I have begun to wonder if this is the day. Late atnight when it is so hard, I have at times felt so alone. Then Irealize I am not alone. I believe not only in prayer, but that Godwill be there with me and help to give me strength. One day at atime….Life Goes On….just like my book.
I am going to wait and write more tomorrow. It hasbeen a day.

 September7, 2010  
Atime of choices and decisions
 Life is filled with choices. Some are big and lifechanging choices. Some are so subtle and casual that we hardlyrealize we are making them. This has been a time of many choices anddecisions for me. I have been, and am so excited to see the novel Iwrote finally being put into book form. There are decisions andchoices...many choices...what font, what size, what templates, whatabout the cover, the book size, design and many more. What will wehave for supper? Should I have the biopsy Surgery or no surgery? CanI wake up from the anesthesia? Can I live through a procedure thatbig? Can I survive and function afterward with part of the lung gone?How will I manage when I first come home? How can we afford this?Will the function test show that I can tolerate any of it? We willknow very soon. The growth rate of the tumor is not allowing me towait to decide. I wanted to get my book out. If the function test isgood enough they will still do a total body scan to see if it is onlythe 4 we know of, or there is no use in going through all of this atall. Every time the do an x ray they find a tumor. They checked onthe broken rib and there is the one under the aorta. They check avertebrae and now this one that is really growing.... and so on.


I have been trying so hard. There are no words totell how difficult it can be and how desperately tired I get. Thereis no way to say how difficult it is, not only physically, butmentally and emotionally as well. Now is the time that I have to makethe right decisions. I want to be there for my children andgrandchildren. I want to see them grow up and know me. I want to holdthat little hand in mine and feel the magic in the touch filled withthe love of a child. I do not want to go. I want to share laughterand love and good times with my family and be there for my angelboy.I don't want to go...Not today. I want to reach out to the world andmake a difference.



It seems unimaginable to share such thoughts with somany people that I have never met. I have to say what a wonderful andinspirational outpouring of love, care, and sharing there has beenfrom so many. I want to thank each and everyone one of you becauseyou cared. I want you to know that it makes a difference. You havemade a difference. I want to thank you for the kind words, cares,prayers and messages. Pray that God grants me the wisdom to choosewisely, the strength to endure and the courage to face the future andthe blessing of life for another day.

September11, 2010I have been so tired. Mom is doing better and hasbeen transferred from the ICU to a room. Tuesday they will do anotherfunction test and then make a decision if I am strong enough to havethe surgery. I will try to keep writing. I know there are so manywith problems and hardships and I hope that we all can keep hope,keep faith and never give up.


Wehave not got the biopsy results yet. I think that if it was good newsthey would have called me but want to wait and talk to the otherspecialists and then talk to me in person. We kind of knew that goingon. We have no idea about the surgery. It has risks....big risks....Imay decide to just try to keep on keeping on. I may decide to give ita try. You can not understand what it feels like to make suchchoices, but life is not always easy. Mom is doing a lot better forthe shape that she is in. At her best she only has 30 percent ofheart function now. It is hard. She knows what is going on and sodoes daddy.



September27, 2010 · Well....mom is stable now andthat was the good news....the other is that the tests are done...thebiopsy showed that it is malignant and not in a good operablelocation. This is not good....but I am not going to give up


October5, 2010 · Today I had good news and thensome other news. I will probably be going through with the surgerysoon....and today I got the proof for the book that I wrote andapproved it. They already have it available at the one web site andwill have at two others in about 3 weeks. It may be some time beforeit is available in local bookstores but I will work one step at atime.


Iloved the feeling I had as I held my book in my hands. It was likeholding a dream and feeling there was hope. The emotions I hadduring that time of life are beyond words. I did try to find words sothat others having difficult times could know they are not alone andto never give up but there were times I was so close to feeling nohope for myself.
Theworry for my mother was intense as she battled congestive heartfailure and some other problems. It seems that problems never comeone at a time. I guess I can think of those times a challenges.
Itseemed as if every heart beat the tumors were growing and in such abad location that it could easily become inoperable if we waited. The problem was that if I was not strong enough to survive thesurgery........
Atthat point they refused to do the surgery. I pleaded but the answerwas that the doctor would not do something he thought might eitherkill me or leave me a vegetable on life support.. He was right but Iwas desperate.
October15, 2010 · I am feeling so much better. I still get tired andhave been busy doing treatments 4 X a day but it is working. We willfind out next Friday if it is enough.

October25, 2010 at 8:55am
Ihope to find out today what they decide can be done. Last night was along one. My husband and I talked of many things...we had to makesome decisions either way. Everyday I have to wait the cancer isgrowing at a rapid rate. The sooner I go in for surgery may also bethe last day that I have. Those are some intense thoughts.


October26, 2010 · I said that I would keep writingand I am trying. I have one thing I need to decide today. Should I goahead and go crazy? I would not have far to go. I have been trying tokeep a positive attitude but sometimes I think I am positively goingto shatter into a million little pieces. Too many things going roundand round in my head and too tired to find a way to stop them longenough to sort them out. Oh well, I will write on my notes, blogs,Fan Page and take them one at a time.


October21, 2010
 Last night was not a bad night but it was a longnight. Thoughts would not quiet allowing the peaceful sleep thatrefreshes. Thoughts flew round and round and the hours slowed down toa crawl. It is not daylight yet but the new day is near.



Tomorrow I go for another pulmonary function test tosee if they can perform the surgery without leaving me on aventilator. Part of me is eager to begin the long recovery. The otherpart fears what could be. I want a chance to live life to the fullestdoing and sharing so many things.



I want to step out and watch the sunrise of a new daybreathing in the fresh sweet smell of the morning dew. I want to seethe sky color as the new day begins. I want to feel the touch of mygrandson's magic hands as we start new adventures and share specialtimes.



My precious grandson hugged me last night and spokeas he gazed directly into my eyes. "Mamaw, I'm gonna hug youforever and ever and love you and never let you go." Now, thereis the medicine that can make a weak heart strong and a tired oldwoman like me work to live and get hugs and love forever and ever.



His hands are magic. I told him that they were. Ihave problems with my hands and they often ache and hurt and oftenswell. That is odd because the sensory mechanism of touch seems likea delayed response. I am loosing the feeling in both hands. I can notfeel when I type now or hot when I am cooking until later when it istoo late and I am already burned. The tests show the loss of feelingbut they do not know why or what to do. If you can not fix it I amnot going to run up more bills. Even with all of that, my bones hurt.It is not a small pain but one that becomes a part of you as yourhands and feet twist and swell.



A look of concern crossed his small face as he stoodbeside me. For one so young he is extremely sensitive. He hasconcern and compassion that knows no bounds. I explained that myhands hurt. He gently placed his little hand on mine as he slowly andgently rubbed watching me the whole time. "Did that help, Mamaw?Did it make it feel better?"

The look of concern and love on his small facetouched this old heart as tears welled in my eyes and it did feelbetter and it made me smile. I told him that and he smiled brightly."I really do have magic in my hands." Now, every so oftenhe uses his magic hands to make me feel better.



My daughter smiled as she had some memory of long agoabout who knows what, that I had told her as a child. "Mom, whydo you tell him he has magic in his hands? He will believe you."We did not realize that he had returned and was listening.



"Because it is true. He has so much love in hisheart and his hands that it is magic. When he reaches out to rub myhands and ease my pain ...it is with love and....Love is magic and itworks wonders. Love makes the whole person feel better, the painhurts a little less and the day so much brighter. That is magic. Yes,he has magic hands, he surely does," She had to agree.



I have had so many thoughts of so many things. I havethought about my writing, the things I have written and things I amwriting and things I want to write. I think of the paintings I amdoing and the sketches and pictures I want to add to the children'sbooks. There are so many things that I want to do and then I amtired.



I want to write all of the things from my heart foreach of my loved ones. I want to always be there for them even if itis in a letter. I want to share thoughts and memories from the pastand dreams for the future. I need to know that I have a chance for afuture. I have to admit that I am filled with stress andapprehension. I wish that I could have the surgery and be on my wayto a recovery, then I think of what else might be. I need to put itin the Lord's hands and trust things will work out. I will try. Iwill be back to write more soon.



I am not afraid to die....Just not today.


AsI looked back at posts I made through the years I wanted to sharehope that no matter how difficult things may be we can not give up.There is hope and even in the darkest times we can find so manythings to be grateful for.
WhatI found was too much to put in a blog. I had said it was developinginto more of a book than a blog and that is so true. There was toomuch that is too intense to repeat. What I see and feel so much, is agratitude for the doctors who work so hard and try so hard to help. I have been blessed with doctors that not only a very good at whatthey do but care about their patients.
Myhusband has not been so blessed in so many ways. I think we are luckyhe lived through much of it. He just went through a surgery torepair some of the damage from when he fell and fractured his skull 2years ago. When you see someone so mistreated or lack of treatments,it breaks your heart and is so frustrating. The doctor he was finallyreferred to that did the reconstruction is wonderful. Dr. Woodwarddid not hesitate to help him and make his life so much easier. Atalented doctor who cares about those who come to him in need. It isa shame it took two years before anyone would refer him.
Allof that makes me even more grateful for the care and doctors who havedone so much for me.
Whenthey told me of a mass under the aorta we did not know how long Iwould have to live but I am still here. It is not gone but every dayreally is a blessing.
Whenthey found cancer and I lost much of my left lung we did not know ifI would even wake up but I am here and still going. The lungspecialist is still taking care of me and looking after me. Dr.Sifford does so much for so many. The man is an amazing doctor butmore than that,.....he cares. I met him when we had no insurance andno way to pay for a doctor when we needed one.
Hereferred me to Pro Med of Jonesboro and Greg Brooks for oxygen. WhatI got was more than that. All there are caring and supportive peoplewho never fail to help when they can. When you need medical suppliesit makes such a difference when they show such dedication to theirclients and really care.

Iwill wait for another day to share the present as I think howthankful I am to be blessed with so many praying and showing support.When I think of the doctors trying and working so hard to give memore tomorrows it warms my heart and gives me hope. When I think ofthe love and friendship of so many I smile and the tears are nolonger filling my eyes are replaced with knowing I am not alone.
Everyday is special. I am working my best to do the book I feel inspiredto do combining my art and words, thought and feelings, and hope fornot only myself but others. This is one of the things I will reviewfor my own life but there are so many others.