The Tory test that all Conservative candidates should pass

The other day I met the perfect prospective Conservative parliamentary candidate. She was young, she was very bright, she was seriously good-looking and she had a thorough intellectual grasp of Tory values.

"God, you should seriously stand for election. You'd be a shoe-in with Dave Cameron's new all-female shortlists," I told her.

"I already tried and they rejected me," she replied. "I think what swung it was when a question about the environment came up. I told them I didn't believe all that n...