the world and wands

I had my third tarot reading yesterday and “The World” was the first card pulled. I love that tarot isn’t predictive—I don’t go to Owen at Nonna Terra so he can peer into his crystal ball and tell me what to do or what will happen next week. For me, tarot provides clarity, it’s a reminder of your power and potential and a 90-minute reading with Owen leaves me with lots to reflect upon. Reading a tarot card each morning is a way of incorporating affirmation into my routine; I have The Gentle Tarot but tried a new deck designed by two Black witches and might order that one, too. Routine was actually something that came up for me in relation to “The World”—in the four corners are fixed signs reminding us not to lose sight of what is unchanging as we grapple with forces that seem beyond us. Taking some of my Chicago routine to Scotland was a way of feeling anchored amidst a whole lot of change and newness. I crave beginnings and struggle with commitment so it was challenging to come back to Chicago last week and have several unpleasant encounters with folks in the real and virtual world. My mail is being tampered with—checks are disappearing—and there doesn’t seem to be a way to stop it. I get informed delivery so my mail is scanned before it’s delivered, which is how I’m able to spot and report missing checks. One check I reported as stolen was delivered to a neighbor, who left it at my door while I was away. But two other checks have just vanished and I’m expecting another one today. My magazine subscription also hasn’t been delivered so I filed an online complaint about that. One of the missing checks is from a NYC bank and it had already taken me two months to close that account. Now the process is dragging on because the bank won’t fill out its own affidavit but expects me to get it notarized; not surprisingly, the notaries here in IL won’t comply. I’m having problems at my local bank, too…everything I left unresolved at the start of March was simply waiting for me when I got back. Which was sobering and upsetting but my tarot reading reminded me to “zoom out”—not obsess over small things that can leave me feeling powerless and victimized. I’m not a victim; I have agency and I know how to respond to the various challenges that come up. Perimenopause makes everything seem worse than it actually is, I think, and hostility from strangers brings up some childhood trauma that I clearly need to address…another card, “The 7 of Wands,” was a reminder that not everything that rises up in confrontation is a threat. Sometimes it’s an opportunity to sit with doubt, or to remember our strengths and capacity to create change. If we look at our lives, we have abundant evidence of our abilities but it’s easy to get triggered and forget that we’re adults on the path to healing rather than a frightened child. There are lots of things on my To Do list but I have time to do it all. My contractors won’t arrive till next week so I have my space to myself and I went for a run this morning and just ordered some groceries so I don’t have to go back out. Yesterday I went to the airport to give my friends some baked goods and chocolate; she lost her father while here in Chicago sitting shiva for her partner’s mother. Folks in MS are recovering from devastating tornadoes and there’s a report on the radio right now about the ongoing need for food banks in this country. When I zoom out, even just a little, my problems can be seen in proper perspective. Humza Yousaf won the election back in Scotland (yay!) and will lead the country toward independence. I miss Glasgow but I’m going to dive into this novel and see if I can recreate the world I discovered just a few weeks ago. I’m rebuilding my Chicago routine: buying myself flowers, lifting weights after my run, cooking what’s in the fridge instead of ordering in. It’s much colder here but the sun is shining so my office is bright and warm. I’m ready to get to work!