Crossroads

School, college, family, anytime, anywhere, i fail to understand human behaviour. I don’t grasp who a person really is? A well wisher or otherwise. Or a person with good deeds or bad. A person who likes me or hates me. I feel like i have a low IQ in this section.

Someone pointed this characteristic in me. And all the memories started to fall into place. I never felt i belonged anywhere. It becomes very hard for me.

Let me try to describe my situation –

Imagine being in a crowd meaning, surrounded by many people. Let each person represent a question in an examination paper. And I don’t know the answers to any question in the paper. Even the people who i am close with. Let’s say i start writing about them. At one point my heart feels as if this answer is not the right one. Something in this answer does not sit well and i do not know what it is. Lonely when surrounded by people where each person represents a puzzle that i never succeeded in solving. This unending unsolved examination is haunting me.

My biggest fear is not that i do not know the real them but that i don’t want to be taken advantage of, made to be a pawn in a play.

I want to be a respected individual. All these previously mentioned situations, a respected person smartly avoids. This respect reflects one’s self esteem.

My knowledge feels so inadequate to judge this is right and this is wrong. If wrong how to deal with it instead of burying my head in the sand.

So, i unconsciously prefer to be alone and deal with people as less as possible.

Apart from that…

This strange quality of mine can be improved with experiences. But as of now it is affecting my career, relationships and my happiness in turn. I need a short term solution yaar…

Also, sooner or later i will get married. It is my belief that if i don’t set this quality right, i won’t be able to choose the right one or to make it blossom into a beautiful relationship.

Lately,

A lot of times but recently with serious thought i have been thinking to change my career. 

But i don’t want to give up so easily. I am figuring out a way to get past this inadequacy of knowledge.

Some fantasy like hiring a secretary who is fiercely loyal to me and deal with people section on my behalf and give me a list of people whom i can safely deal with.

Also, a mentor who teaches me to be a bitch instead of a doormat like the crux of the book why men marry bitches ?

Thanks so much! Love you