“T’Challa was truly noble. Are you going to be like him? Or are you gonna take care of business?”

Goddammit.

Look, how do you think I feel?

No one wanted it this way. Marvel didn’t want to make a Black Panther without Chadwick Boseman, we the audience didn’t want a Black Panther movie without Chadwick Boseman and I certainly don’t want to give a bad review to a Black Panther movie without Chadwick Boseman.

His loss was first and foremost a human tragedy and if this movie succeeds at anything it’s in bringing across just the sheer, crushing grief of everyone involved in this. It’s not a fun time. It should not be a fun time.

Is it a good movie? I’m sorry, no it’s not.

But, it has good moments and I’ll be sure to highlight those.

It also has plenty of flaws and, well, I’ll be mentioning those too. But rest assured, I will feel like a complete asshole.

“Well. That’s the important thing.”

The movie opens with its strongest two scenes with Shuri working flat out in her lab to re-create the heart shaped herb to save T’Challa. Queen Ramonda enters the lab and tells her that her brother is gone.

I mentioned back in the Civil War review that, counter-intuitively, sometimes off-screen deaths are the most effective and I think that’s very true here. T’Challa’s funeral procession through the streets of Birnin Zana is beautiful and mesmerising. It’s excellent.

Unfortunately, this is the high water mark of the movie and we haven’t even got to the titles yet.

Alright, a year later Ramonda has become Queen Regnant of Wakanda, thereby skipping the scene of Angela Basset standing in a lake and beating Winston Drake half to death with a stick for the right to rule. The movie I’m imagining in my head is way better, and that’s never a good sign. Anyway, Ramonda is addressing the United Nations in Switzerland (apparently the UN has branches, like Arby’s). We continue this series’ tradition of diplomats just treating the Wakandans like snooty deans in an eighties slobs versus snobs comedy, chiding Ramonda for not sharing Wakanda’s vibranium. In response she brings in some captured mercenaries who recently tried and failed to rob a Wakandan power facility only to get their nuts handed to them by the Dora Milaje. And who was this nation engaging in shady illegal neo-colonialism in Africa? Would you believe, France?! I know.

Crazy! What wild fantasies will those mad dream-weavers at Marvel come up with next? Who could ever have predictied…

“Oh you think you’re so funny, don’t you?”

Meanwhile, the Americans have sensibly decided that if they can’t get vibranium from the Wakandans they’ll just find their own, under the sea. They use their fancy new vibranium detector to find some on the sea floor, but their exploration team gets got by some mysterious blue fish people.

Back in Wakanda, Ramonda drags Shuri away from her lab to perform a ritual to mourn T’Challa. But, they are interrupted by…(deep, weary sigh) Namor.

Okay. I have a confession to make. I hate water based superheroes. Atlantis as a concept leaves me completely cold. I think stories set underwater are dumb.

And yet, and yet, I fucking love Namor the Sub-Mariner. He’s technically Marvel’s oldest superhero. He’s as OG as it gets. He is a complete and utter prick and I love him. And this movie, somehow, thought that doing In-Nameor-Only here was going to fly. Well, he doesn’t fly. Or at least, he doesn’t fly in a way that doesn’t look fake as hell (damn the CGI in this is rough).

Let me be clear. This is not Namor:

THIS is Namor:

Okay, technically it’s Mr Nimbus from Rick and Morty but it’s probably the most faithful rendering of the character we’re ever going to get. Namor is supposed to be fucking crackling with the power of a bisexual god. When Namor is the room, the question is not “will he fuck my wife?” the question is “when will he fuck my wife and if I’m a good boy will Daddy let me clean up after?”

Namor in this movie doesn’t have sex with anyone’s wife. At all. That’s like Captain America not having the shield. It’s bullshit. It’s all bullshit! This movie did not understand the greatness of Namor the Sub-Mariner and it will go to movie Hell for that! Movie Hell I say!

Oh God. What are they going to do to Doctor Doom?

Anyway…this slab of sexless haddock tells Ramonda that, because Wakanda is out of the closet, his own Vibranium-rich nation, Talokan, is having to fend off greedy surface dwellers. He says that they’re using new vibranium detecting tech to find Talokan’s stash so he wants the Wakandans to find the scientist who designed the machine because…that will…you know how when you kill a scientist everything they ever invented vanishes? Yeah. Anyway, he wants the Wakandans to do that for him or else he’ll attack Wakanda. It makes no sense and it’s contrived as fuck. Ah well, at least it’s comics accurate. Comic Namor would definitely bully another nation in doing his dirty work for him.

Oh wait, no. Comic Namor is a MAN.

Ramonda convenes the council of Wakanda which brings in the movie’s MVP: M’Baku. Winston Duke just kills every scene he’s in, he’s a riot. The council wants to give in to Namor’s demands and hand over the American scientist to him and M’Baku (who is the best) very sensibly points out that giving in to Namor will only encourage the blighter and instead suggests the obvious course of action: kill this Namor and reveal that he was actually Trevor Slattery all along, doing a piss-poor impersonation of the ACTUAL Namor. But instead, Ramonda sends Okoye on a mission to find the American scientist.

So…I hate this. This is terrible.

First, as M’Baku explicitly points out, Namor threatened Wakanda and Wakanda (supposedly a major global power), just agreed to launch a hostile action against another global power after a threat from a half naked fish man. And secondly, it makes Ramonda look hypocritical as fuck. France invading Wakanda to steal some metal? Unforgiveable! Wakanda invading America to kidnap a human being and deliver her to certain death? Well, they’re just protecting their interests.

So they visit Everett Ross and guilt trip him into giving them the location of the American scientist and, out of loyalty to T’Challa, he gives this incredibly sensitive information to some foreign agents. He pleads with them not to let anyone know he’s done this because, y’know, treason and Okoye dismissively says “we will be very careful”.

Spoilers. They will not be very careful.

They travel to MIT and meet the scientist, college student Riri Williams who needs to FUCKING ENUNCIATE. Jesus, I don’t know if the actor just wasn’t miked up properly but goddamn. So, here’s where everyone’s motives just become completely inscrutable. Ramonda, upon learning that Riri is just a kid, orders Okoye and Shuri to bring her to Wakanda for her protection, even though the US government is coming to ask her to build them a new vibranium detector which will mean a) she’s set for life and b) is probably going to be doing just fine in the security department.

This sets off a chase between the Wakandans and the FBI that gets interrupted by the Talokans who attack them on a bridge beside a canal.

There’s a weirdly inert fight scene with awful green screen and minimal music and the Talocans defeat Okoye and make off with Riri and Shuri.

So, we know get an excellent scene where Okoye briefs the Wakandan council on what happened and we get to see Angela Bassett shake some dust off the ceiling with some old-school capital-A Acting. And Danai Garira’s stunned, tearful reaction is very good. Plaudits all round. Anyway, Ramonda has clearly been sitting on some grudges because she lambastes Okoye for betraying T’Challa in the last movie and now losing her daughter and strips her of her rank and kicks her out of the Dora Milaje.

Ramonda goes to Haiti where Nakia has been living as a teacher since the Blip and recruits her to find Talokan and gently chides her for missing T’Challa’s funeral.

Actually, fuck, I’ve just realised that T’Challa was blipped. Wakanda had to mourn the death of the king twice. Actually, three times counting T’Chaka. Four times if you’re a Killmonger loyalist it’s been rough for the Wakandan royals, is what I’m saying.

Meanwhile, Namor fills Shuri in on his backstory and the history of Talokan. Short version, they’re Mayans who retreated under the sea using magic to escape the Spanish. He then shows her the magnificence of Talokan:

Well, props for accuracy I guess. A city under the sea would be murky and underlit and pretty unimpressive. That said:

That’s the DCEU’s Atlantis. Which looks more visually interesting?

This is where we’re at folks, I’m drawing unfavourable comparisons between Marvel and the DCEU. Surely the end times are nigh.

Namor proposes an alliance with Wakanda against the rest of the world. I…think it’s supposed to be played seductive. Like, Shuri will be so hot for this guy she’s willing to turn against the rest of the human race but…nah.

Nakia manages to rescue Shuri and Riri and brings them to Wakanda and Namor retaliates with a tidal wave attack that kills Ramonda, who drowns saving Riri’s life. The Wakandans flee to the Jabari mountains, because is it even a Black Panther movie if M’Baku doesn’t save everyone’s ass?

Shuri throws herself into replicating the heart-shaped herb and takes it. However, instead of seeing her ancestors she sees:

Save us, Killmonger.

Goddamn Michael B. Jordan is so fucking good in this role. He says that Shuri chose him to appear to her because she wants revenge. Horrified, Shuri wakes up and refuses to tell Nakia what she saw. Instead, she dons a new Black Panther suit and rallies all of Wakanda’s remaining forces to strike back at Talokan, reinstating Okoye and giving her a new power suit.

They all set off on a Wakandan navel vessel.

“Avast! It’s the good ship SS Final Fight Scene Location”

There’s a big green screen fight, Shuri and Namor battle, she’s about to kill him but her mother visits her in a vision and she spares the big haddock. The war is over and Okoye returns to America where she rescues Ross, who was arrested for helping the Wakandans. And she greets him by saying “The coloniser in chains? Now I’ve seen everything.”

“Please help me. They tortured me for days.”

***

I can pretty much promise I will never watch this movie again, and it’s not because it’s the worst movie in the MCU. Given the death of their star and Covid it’s actually pretty remarkable this film made it over the finish line.

But…it’s bleak as hell. It’s a punishing watch. It feels like the day after a funeral.

Scoring

Adaptation: 10/25

A war between Wakanda and Atlantis should shake the very world. This just feels small and drab.

Our Heroic Heroes: 11/25

Yeah, Boseman’s absence is a big gaping hole in the heart of this thing.

Our Nefarious Villain: 05/25

The biggest waste of a fantastic character since Black Widow botched Taskmaster.

Our Plucky Sidekicks: 14/25

By the end of this, I was honestly wishing M’Baku had been made the new Black Panther.

The Stinger

Shuri visits Nakia in Haiti and is introduced to her nephew…Prince T’Challa.

And the audience went…

Any names of comic book characters clunkily worked into dialogue that no one would ever say in real life?

“A Spanish man of faith cursed me as he died by my hand. He called me El Niño sin Amor, “the Child without Love”. And I took my name from there, Namor.”

Are there X-Men yet?

Um…yes? Yes? Technically? Namor is acknowledged onscreen as a mutant and the character has been a member of the X-men so…yeah. Bit anticlimactic really.

FINAL SCORE: 40%

NEXT UPDATE: 30 March 2023

NEXT TIME: Some days, you just can’t get rid of a bomb…