How to Live With Grief

It’s been two years since my niece’s tragic accident. I haven’t really wrote about it because I’m not sure I know how, and I’m not entirely sure it’s my story to tell. But I know I think about it every single day and that it never stops being sad. I’ve surprised myself with how angry I am, even two years later. Am I really “living with grief”? I don’t know. Most days, I’m not sure what I’m doing. I’m just sad. And really angry.

But anger’s an awful emotion to hold onto. So instead, I try to remember what my sister said: February 28, 2021 was the worst day of our lives, but every February 28th after will never be as bad. I don’t have to be despondent on that day every year. I can consider myself blessed that I can still touch Maddie and hold her and sing to her and take pictures. She’s still alive. Against all odds, she’s still here. And she’s getting better; slowly but surely, Maddie is moving forward in her recovery.

My family has stepped up and come together in ways previously unimaginable.

I left my house in such a hurry that awful day that I left meat out on the counter. I called and asked my friend to throw that away and asked if she could just check on the cat once or twice. When I came back after that initial two weeks in Florida, my house was clean. My friends and loved ones were invaluable. I honestly don’t believe I would have survived everything without their unwavering support and patience.

It’s been two years and everything has changed. I’m still not sure I’ve accepted this as my new normal. There are still big questions to answer, important decisions for me to make, and that can be overwhelming.

But then I take a few deep, steadying breaths and remember that Maddie’s still here.

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