Tips for filing your dating returns.

I usually begin my tax return preparation as far in advance as I do Christmas shopping. A visible deadline adds enough pressure for me to excel. As I filled in all those zeros and minus signs, I wondered what my return would look like if I tallied all of my dating adventures. See if yours is similar.



A. Business Name - The Nice Guy's Frustrating Hunt for a Human Bed Warmer (an infertile one with boobs, preferably)



B. Address - Upstairs in bed with a laptop, reading glasses, and fur balls left behind by two annoying felines.



C. Method of Accounting - Other, introversion causes wallet to open regularly.



D. Fiscal Year - 2011


Extension Requested - Sometimes, but those women are greedy.



Part I - Income


Hair Pulls - worthless.
Toothbrushes - worthless.
Various Facial Creams - well, a few more creases in my face and maybe.
Fancy Soaps and Shampoos - you don't want to know how I'll use them.
Loofahs - for scraping bug guts from Jeep.
Kitchen Utensils and Containers - relegated to cat food duty.
Wine - recycled: will bring to next woman's house.
Clothing Advice - worthless and ignored.
Romantic Comedy DVDs - beer coasters.
Earrings - cat toys.



Part II - Expenses


Online Dating - why do I never learn and keep fucking doing this?
Drinks - alcohol abuse, if you ask me.
Dinners - amazing anything gets inhaled while so many words are exhaled.
Movie Tickets - so brutal that I need to sneak a flask into the theater.
Vasectomy - the best $800 ever spent.
Acqua di Gio Cologne - two spritzes on chest, one on nay-nay.
Gym Membership - due to caloric intake increases from wine, dessert, and lattes.
Gas - that's all right, I'd rather drive unless she has a tank and a helmet for me.
Writing Time Lost - from answering numerous inane Facebook and text messages.
Sanity - major loss as I futilely attempt to figure out what she wants.
Sleep - she breathes funny and moans, which would be fine if it included my name instead of her ex's.
Hotel Room Upgrades - my room requires a bed, shower, and toilet; hers requires comfort.
Cold Toes - I usually sleep with socks on, but she made fun of me.
Laundry - sheets and towels laced with love goo.
T-shirts, Boxers, Hoodies, etc. - borrowed means donated.



Part III - Net Income


Really? Are you serious? What income? If I could find a way to make money from dating, I'd run for president.