THE SATURDAY EVENING POST: WHAT'S IN THE BOX?

Like many people, I keep a box of momentos. Actually, it's been quite some time since I added anything to it: it's usually just sort of in the background, visible yet forgotten on my rather large nightstand. My cat Spike had occasion to barf upon the box recently -- when it was open, no less -- and as I was cursing and trying to perform emergency clean-up on my items before they were permanently ruined, it occurred to me that it had been so long since I looked at them I'd quite forgotten what as inside.

Turns out most of it is paper. Not many solid objects. But the paper is well worth listing for posterity. In no particular order, this is what I found:

A ticket to a double feature of "Predator" and "Action Jackson" at the Egyptian Theater in Hollywood, circa 2014. Carl Weathers was present, and I got a photograph of the two of us together. That remains the only time I ever got starstruck.

A ticket to "The Bourne Supremacy" dated 2004, from the Galleria 16 in Los Angeles.

A ticket to "Gladiator" dated 2000, from Hoyts Potomac Cinema 13. Saw it with my dear friend Cate Franklin. The sound was so loud I got an anxiety attack.

A guest card for the Parsippany, NJ Hilton (room #449) circa 1999. I was there for my fraternity brother Ken's wedding. It was basically a college reunion, and I had much more fun in that room than allowed by conventional morality.

A ticket to "The Big Brawl" at the Sovreign Center in Reading, PA, dated 2002. There I saw Smokin' Burt Cooper fight for the Pennsylvania Heavyweight Boxing Title with my fraternity brother Mark Durgin, who drank a pint glass of Scotch during the matches. There I spied the hottest ring card girl I have ever seen. That was a helluva day, maybe as close to a perfect one as a man can have: it might make a great rated-X book some day.

A ticket to "The Patriot" (2000) and "Lord of the Rings 1" (2002), both seen at the West Manchester Mall 13 in York, PA. I actually didn't care for the theatrical release of LOTR at the time: I still don't. The extended version is the only way to go.

A ticket to Monsterpalooza 2018, in the Pasadena Convention Center in Pasadena, California. My friend Mark Viniello got me into that convention VIP style, at which I met Slash, Tom Savini, John Landis, Faruza Balk, Doug Bradley, Ashley Lawrence, Paul Sorvino, and Ron Jeremy. What a crew.

A ticket to see The Siren Six! at The Glass House in Pomona, California in 2018, for their farewell performance. My friend Nate Bott was the lead singer and I believe there may be video somewhere of me dancing to ska music.

A ticket to see William Shatner's one man show "Shatner's World" at Club Nokia in 2016. I went there with my brother Cory, and finally got to meet Captain Kirk in the flesh. He said it was a pleasure to meet me. I doubt that, but I appreciated the sentiment.

A welcome guest card to The Governor's House Hotel in Washington, D.C. (room 217), circa 2004. I can't comment as to what happened there, but it sure was fun.

A printout of a ticket to The Happy Little Festival at the Angel City Brewery in Los Angeles, CA, 2016. It was a tribute to Bob Ross. I drank a great deal of beer at that one and somewhere have video of my two female companions dancing with each other.

A ticket to "Rogue One," dated 2016, seen at the Burbank 16 in Burbank, California.

A very faded ticket to Dodger Stadium for a Cubs - Dodgers game. I believe this was in 2001 but the cat barf has stained the date. Saw Sammy Sosa hit a home run.

A very badly stained scrap of paper signed by the infamous porn star Traci Lords. I saw her speak at an ill-attended engagement at York College in 1993 or 1994. My question made her blush. (It was, "Did your porn career effect your social life afterwards?")

A backstage pass for R.E.M. dated 1995. My older brother was interviewing Michael Stipe and he hired me to work as crew. Stipe's (gigantic) bodyguard drafted me to be his co-bodyguard, the only time in my life I have ever been granted this distinction.

An expired Pennsylvania driver's license in which I have a lot more hair, two earrings, and wear a baseball jersey for a team I don't even like. the expiration is "8/31/00."

A ticket for "The Big Sleep" at the Egyptian Theater in Hollywood dated 2016. I have absolutely no memory of going to this movie. None whatsoever.

A printout of a ticket to see Van Halen (with David Lee Roth) at the Hollywood Bowl in 2015. The chief objective of my high school years, accomplished a few decades late.

A ticket to see "The Santaland Diaries" at the Stella Adler Theater in Hollywood in 2010. A one man show starring Nicholas Brendon of "Buffy" fame. Very good performance.

A ticket to see the Washington Redskins play the Atlanta Falcons at FedEx Field in 2006. A boring game, the Skins lost as usual, I got drunk and stole a tree from the parking lot.

Another Redskins ticket, for the same arena, in 2007, to see them lose again (I'm sure), this time to the Cardinals. This was a week before I moved to Los Angeles, and I remember tailgating in the parking lot and not much else except a sunburned nose.

More tickets from the Egyptian to see "The House of Long Shadows" (2015) and "The Battle of the Bulge" (2014).

A completely ruined ticket for "An Academy Salute to Jackie Chan." I remember Jackie telling a story about how he was knocked unconscious by Bruce Lee on the set of "Enter the Dragon." This would have been around 2012.

A ticket to the Jets - Lions playoff game held in the Meadowlands, NJ, with no date: but this would be 2001 or 2002. It poured cold rain the whole time and the guy in front of us passed out in his own puke. I had to change clothes in my car.

A ticket (No. 02484) to the Walt Whitman High School Commencement Exercises at DAR Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C., 1990. My high school graduation. I was very well dressed but I forgot my deodorant...and boy was it a hot day.

Tickets to The Strand Theater in York, PA, to see The Psychedelic Furs, Ben Folds, and Toad The Wet Sprocket, all in 2022. I had always and especially wanted to see Toad play live and they were damned good.

A train ticket from Washington, D.C. to New York, New York, dated 2003. I was visiting the afformentioned Cate. A great trip to Manhattan in its "Sex and the City" heyday.

A ticket to a Ravens - Jets game at Ravens Stadium in Baltimore, Maryland, circa 2003. I have a vague memory of visiting a bar beforehand, and then nothing. Literally nothing. I think I drink too much at these games.

A program for a one man show called "Nevermore" performed by Jeffrey Combs and directed by Stuart Gordon, at the Steve Allen Theater in Los Angeles. Armin Shimmerman produced it, if memory serves -- three legends of sci-fi/horror. A good time.

A ticket to see Live! and Counting Crows at Hersheypark Stadium in 2000. Good shows. The lead singer of the Crows complained he'd eaten too much before the show while at the lead singer of Live!'s house and wanted to barf the entire set.

A ticket to The Home Depot Center in Carson, California to see Sugar Shane Mosley fight Ricardo Mayorga. Shane won by knockout in the closing seconds of the 12th and final round. A real Rocky moment for the hometown kid against his jerk opponent.

A ticket to "Guardians of the Galaxy" circa 2014 from Burbank 16 in Burbank, CA.

A ticket to see Val Kilmer perform "Cinema Twain." I have no memory of where this performance went down except it was a ritzy, well-lighted West Side neighborhood in Los Angeles, and I got to tell Val how I used my "Iceman" imitation to hook up with chicks in college, a fact he found greatly amusing. Nor do I remember the year, except that it was after 2013 and before 2020.

A ticket to see Mike Tyson's one-man show "The Undisputed Truth" at the Pantages Theater in Hollywood, CA in 2013. Still have the picture of me and Iron Mike together afterwards. I was surprised to find I'm taller than he is.

A ticket to the Home Depot Center to see "Donaire vs. Mathebula" dated 2012. Pretty sure I was there with my cousin Scott to see Kelly Pavlik fight. But Kelly was washed up at this time and looked terrible in the ring. A brilliant career ruined by drinking. Kind of like Paul Spadafora.

A fake dollar bill from the Ghost concert I saw at the Wiltern for "666 dollars." I think this was in 2015 or so. I enjoyed the concert but there were too many hipsters.

A ticket to a Bellator MMA show at The Forum in Inglewood, California (2017) for the Ortiz - Sonnen fight. This was supposed to be Tito Ortiz's retirement fight. I'm not sure it was.

A fake dollar bill ("Angus dollar") from the AC/DC show I saw in 1992 or so on their "Razor's Edge" Tour, somewhere in Maryland. My ears rang for three days after that bad boy.

A King of the Cage MMA fight ticket for a card called "Bitter Rivals" held in Ontario, CA at the Citizens Business Bank Arena. Probably the most boring fight card I've ever seen. A fat Mexican guy in the audience kept up a steady stream of heckling that should have landed him an HBO comedy special.

A ticket to the Bruce Lee tribute "Enter the Dragon" at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences Samuel Goldwyn Theater, 2013. Met John Saxon there. Somewhere there's footage of me giving an interview about Bruce and I hope I never see it because I acted like a pompous asshole.

An El ticket I used to get from the McCormick Center in Chicago, Illinois to Wrigley Field to catch the Cubs. I was in Chicago to promote my book CAGE LIFE at the Book Expo America but I just had to sneak away and watch the Cubs pound the Pirates. I regret nothing.

A ticket to "Star Wars III" (Revenge of the Sith) for the Arclight Theater (Cineramadome) in Hollywood, circa 2005. Saw it with the family.

A ticket to see the Frederick Keys play the Wilmighton Blue Rocks ("Fireworks by Bank of America"), dated 2002. My first minor league baseball game, in Frederick, MD.

A printed ticket to see "The Ultimate Voyage" at the Pantages Theater in Hollywood in 2016. A musical tribute to "Star Trek" throughout the ages.

A ticket to the National Muay Thai Championships 2011 at Commerce Casino in Commerce, CA. A good time. The hotel smelled like bad incense, however.

A ticket to see "Starship Troopers" at the Arclight in 2012. It was an anniversary showing thrown by its star, Casper Van Dien, and was invite-only to the movie's crew. My friend Mark, who worked on the film, got me the hookup. Some great stories were told.

A ticket to "Star Wars 1" (The Phantom Menace) dated 2002. That was not a happy car-ride home.

A very faded piece of paper which has symbols printed out upon it which, in stenographic language, mean "Miles Watson." Given to me by a very attractive stenographer about twenty years ago.

Tickets to all three of the legendary Gatti - Ward fights: May 18, 2002 (Connecticut, MA); November 23, 2002, and June 7, 2003 (Atlantic City, NJ). The first installment of this trilogy was my first-ever boxing match, and is widely considered one of the greatest fights of all time. But as good as it looks on film, it was better live. I will never see a better sporting event, and I'm OK with that.

I also found: a passport-type photo of my father, a button for Blue Ridge Beer, three small seashells, several broken silver and gold chains, an ornate spoon given to me by my grandmother (she collected spoons), a champagne cork, a bronze pocket watch, a very small ID photo of me from my freshman year in college, a photographic negative taken around 1994, a money clip that belonged to my grandfather fashioned from a Morgan silver dollar dated 1879, a small gold St. Jude medal I wore for many years, a smooth stone, and a German penny.

As you can see, the total value of all of this is almost nothing in monetary: the Gatti-Ward tickets would probably be pretty valuable if they hadn't been stained, and the gold medallion might and coin-clip be worth a few bucks, but like most momentos these for the most part have zero intrinsic value. And yet they are most of them triggers to my memory, and in some cases they trigger memories so neatly sealed off within my brain I might never have thought of them again if not for the existence of these dry, crumpled, faded, stained little scraps of time. And I suppose this is why we keep momentos. Not so much for sentimental reasons but because we forget the vast majority of our lives. They simply passes beneath us like so much metaphorical water under an equally metaphorical bridge. Even someone like myself, who religiously keeps a journal, loses most of the substance and flavor of my days in those rambling and often prosaic paragraphs. It helps to have things we can touch, little jack-in-the-boxes that plunge us, if only for a few moments, into our own pasts...and remind us who we are, and what we enjoy. They can be embarrassing, but they are also revealing. Have you never wondered how you are perceived by others? A good way to get a bead on that perception is to take a look at what you yourself value, and there's no better way to do that than than by studying keepsakes. They tell a lot about us.

And of course, if you meet someone with no keepsakes, no momentos, no sentimentality, that tells us a lot about them, doesn't it?