3 Things to Know As A Parent About Social Transitioning

Watching your child social transition from their gender assigned at birth to their true gender identity can be challenging for some parents. It can be confusing. It can be difficult for extended families. Suddenly, Ben has long hair and and wears skirts. Elaine has a short haircut and stopped wearing dresses. Like, at all. Here are three things to know about social transition to make it easier for you, as a parent, and to make it easier to get other people on board:

1. What is 'social transitioning'?

Social transitioning is a term that describes the process by which children and teens adopt a name, pronouns, and gender expression - such as haircuts and clothes - that match their gender identity. That's a fancy way of saying it's the time period when your child assigned female at birth asks you to use he/him pronouns, stops wearing typical "girls'" clothing, and gets a haircut. 

 

Our son's social transition was gradual - it started with the clothes, moved on to 'they/them' pronouns, then 'he/him' pronouns, and then the haircut. I didn't have a hard time with it except when he got his haircut. At the time, his hair was past his shoulder blades, and I took him to my stylist for his first cut. When Nathan cut my son's pony tail off, I needed a felt my breath catch. But, I sat with a smile because that's what we do as parents - support our children, find another outlet. 

2. Support your child through this transition

Speaking of supporting your child, that's the second thing I'd like to talk about. It takes a lot of courage for a person assigned male at birth to come up to an adult - even a trusted adult - and say "Actually, I'm a girl." If they are very young (5, 6, 7), they may not realize how much courage it took, but for an older child (10+), it's not as easy as you may think. Think about it. How nervous would you be to go to your parents and say, "Mom, Dad, I'm actually a girl/boy." Not only is the coming out moment a time to show that you love and respect your kid and will always be there for him/her, but they need that same love and respect and support throughout social transitioning.

Please, get them the clothes they need to feel gender alignment. Please, let them wear their hair in the way that makes them feel comfortable. Please, get them the make-up they want or let them borrow yours. Please, call them by the pronouns they want, the names they ask. Imagine this: fathers, your parents make you wear a dress every day, call you she/her, and refuse to let you cut your hair. How upsetting would that be for you? How uncomfortable would you feel going around in the world, knowing that you are a male, but presenting as a female? Mothers, what if your parents made you have a short 'boys' haircut, only let you wear pants and boys' clothes, called you he/him? 

If you aren't supporting your child through social transitioning, that's what you are doing to them. It's damaging and dangerous. Please support them.

3. You may need to protect them a bit

In the beginning (or, heck, maybe longer than that), going from Ben to Bella may be hard for the outside world to understand. Outside of their friend group, their peers might not be kind about the social transition. This is a nice way of saying they will get bullied. If that turns out to be the case, you need to go to bat for them. Tell the teachers, tell the administration at the school, talk to the parents - whatever you need to do to keep your child safe while they transition and beyond.

Extended family may have an issue with the transition. You will need to protect your child from any harm that comments from the family may cause. If they are older (let's say a teenager), you can work together to come up with a plan to tell Grandma or aunts and uncles. If they are younger (5-8 or 9), you will need to do it on your own. My son started using they/them pronouns and wearing boys' clothes when he was six. He was not equipped to send emails or make phone calls letting other family members know about this change. 

Let's assume you support your child (Right? Good job. I know this isn't the easiest thing for a parent.), you may need to go to bat for them within your family. If there are family members who are completely against trans kids or refuse to cooperate with the social transitioning (using the new pronouns, new name), they will need to be avoided for a while. Yes, that can be sad - especially if they were people you were close with - but it doesn't have to be forever. Trust me. They can, and likely will, come around. 

Social transition can be a big deal for the kid and the parents. As the adults, you set the tone, and you have enough in you to set a positive tone, a supportive tone, and walk with your child through this journey to their true self.