What am I Doing?

It's been a month since I conjectured about making my blog bi-weekly, which means things have been either going really well or really bad.

Maddeningly, the answer is both.

For the first week or two after my '2023' post, things were humming along. I was getting words down, the characters were solidifying and the story was taking shape. Then I hit a wall. I don't even know what it was made of or where it came from, it just jumped out in front of me (I swear, officer!). I just... didn't want to do it anymore.

Maybe it was residual burnout from finishing the Ashes books, maybe it was the January blahs, maybe it was... I don't know. And that's scary! I have a ton of ideas, literal notebooks filled with stories and characters, but to just... not be able to do anything with them? I wouldn't call it writer's block (the aforementioned ideas haven't stopped), it was a different kind of resistance. I would sit down at the computer knowing what I needed to get done and how, but I simply couldn't summon the enthusiasm. Putting one word after the other became a joyless slog. I was inputting more and more placeholders for things like descriptions and names; things Future Me would have to deal with, and that's no good.

It wasn't fun anymore. You may have noticed a very short post here a few weeks ago proclaiming the exact opposite, but I deleted it for a reason: it was only true for like... 10 minutes. That was more like a snapshot Tweet--ephemeral and largely meaningless. And for me, at least, I need to enjoy my writing. If I don't, what are the odds you will? Not good, I imagine. I'm not the kind of writer who can just vomit out a manuscript willy nilly; I have to feel it, want it, love the characters and what they're doing. I know that's a privilege, but that doesn't make it any less true. I've set a standard for myself (and for you) that I wasn't even approaching.

So now what?

Not nothing, that's for sure. In my '2023' post, I mentioned that I had a burning desire to do something new. Spoilers: the thing I was doing wasn't the new thing.

So I'm doing the new thing.

Will it work? F*ck if I know! Maybe not. Maybe it'll be my breakout success! I have absolutely no idea, but what I do know is that I want to do it. These characters and the world they live in have been burning a hole in my brain for over two years, but I could never get to them so long as the Ashes universe was taking up so much real estate in there. Is it what I should do? No idea. Only time will tell. But I'm very much of the school of thought that says that authors should write for themselves first. Passion and enthusiasm comes through on the page, and I want to feel that again. I had to write 'Remember, November'. I had to write 'Midnight Magic'. I have to write this new book. Maybe it goes down in a fireball, maybe it spawns a dozen sequels; I'm not in the prognostication business, so I won't say anything that will require wood knocking.

The only thing I do require is your patience while I figure this out. You deserve a book that contains every drop of blood, sweat and tears I can pour into it, not something that's just 'meh' because I could finish it in a few months. You don't want that, and neither do I. My name has come to mean something to many of you, and I want it to continue to. I'm completely independent, I don't have deadlines to meet, so there's no reason you should get anything less than the best from me.

So I'm going to try some things, get the spark back, and that may mean fewer updates. So I ask you to bear with me while I find my footing again and do all of the research this book will require.

Never give up, never surrender!