Relationships Don’t End Loneliness

Being single is fun.

A friend posted about her loneliness. I didn’t want to high-jack her post so I’m discussing this here.

Loneliness is a human condition not resolved in social, familial or romantic relationships.

I have several only-child friends. Once we stopped romanticizing romantic love, we prioritized our basic needs, interests and friendships. We realize love is a verb and a huge responsibility.

Us onlies also discuss the loneliness of relating to people: hearing without projecting, their authentic perspective, and expectations. Then, if we are willing to meet them or not. Example: calling or texting to let them know you made it home. Or checking in when you’ve been out all day. Is it concern or control? Being alone with our thoughts regarding what is happening. Trying to navigate getting to know someone.

Then, if or when you get beyond thee initial getting to know you phase. There is loneliness in arguing. Conflict is necessary to set boundaries. Abuse is never necessary. Emotional highs and lows are not even necessary depending on your level of maturity.

Let me define abuse. Verbal abuse is name-calling, saying anything to wound or unnecessary to reach a solution. For example: You’re comparing the pros and cons of two houses. Then you point out you found a McDonald’s receipt, and thought they were on a diet. You don’t have to call people names or curse to be abusive. Lying, misrepresenting your goals, shifting focus just to be right. The goal is resolution and connection. Physical… you know. Emotional abuse looks like, shutting someone out. Punishing folks for their truth. Guilt trips. Threatening abandonment. Overtalking them, even if what you’re saying is relevant. Throwing things. Breaking people’s property. Withholding. If you’re the breadwinner, financially punishing your dependent partner is abuse. Not being able to disagree and move to comprehending, and accepting difference. Is this a deal breaker or just a thing?

I know a vegetarian married to an omnivore for over 30 years. Do you need the person you love to eat exactly like you do?

I like taking long walks and talking. He/she hates being outside. Can this need be met with friends?

Loneliness, wishing you had a break from taking care of other folks. Children, lovers, aging parents and friends going through struggle. Needing support to be supportive can be lonely.

Missing yourself, your ability to just sleep or eat what you want.

Now yall on the phone, talking about being hungry. No one wants to cook and no one can agree on what to eat. You’re an asshole if you hang up and get your own food. Then leave them to their own devices because they have a phone, money and a car. They could feed themselves since they hate all your suggestions.

Then there is the loneliness of a rough patch. Which you can’t really discuss because you are protecting them by not sharing personal shit. As a result, you do all the sorting within yourself. So you suffer alone or maybe you tell the one person you trust.

At the same time, you don’t want to abuse your friendships. By treating them like dumping grounds. So you hold it all in because talking about it all the time feels selfish.

Now you’re hanging out. Heartbroken in a relationship because something is hurting your connection. You don’t want anyone else, if you’re monogamous and even if you’re not people are not replaceable. You want to get back on the same vibration.

I said all this to say that we idolize romantic relationships. But they do not resolve feelings of loneliness. I idealized familial relationships and longed for closer relationships with my cousins. Meanwhile, they don’t talk to each other. I always wished I had siblings . Now, I realize having family doesn’t guarantee you will be close or even functional.

At this point, I don’t generally get lonely unless I’m feeling disconnected from a specific person. But if I’m not interested in anyone, I don’t miss anyone.

Spouses of folks in the military, or people going back to college are some of the loneliest people. If your partner is extremely successful they are also in a relationship with their careers. That’s why a lot of Hollywood couples don’t last. Shooting movies on different continents. Traveling all the time. Even though you’re IN love, you don’t always have companionship.

Loneliness is not cured by relationships. It’s cured by a deep relationship with yourself. It is also cured by the understanding you’re going to have to sacrifice for romantic love, all love really.

Enjoy your singleness until you’re moved enough to labor for love.