Happy Birthday, Unworthy (And Why Did I Write about Depression and Suicide in Christian Fiction?)

Can you believe it’s already been a year – give or take a day – since I released Unworthy? (I kinda can, but it seems weird to think about it.) Of the three full-length novels I’ve written, Unworthy probably suffered the most from my over-enthusiastic editing. The original version of the book doesn’t look even halfway close to its published version.

However, the overall plot stayed somewhat similar—dealing with Evgeny’s struggles with depression and suicidal tendencies as well as Sasha’s guilt over her past. And looking back on that plot, it truly contained very heavy themes. Now I see this book a bit differently after going through another year of life and witnessing how scary, dark, and sorrowful this world can be.

I still don’t really know why God had me write about a character who struggled with depression and suicide. When I first wrote Unworthy, I was a naïve, new author who was still experimenting with all kinds of plots and characters—kind of like a toddler who’d gotten into a set of paints. But I never really had a choice whether I wanted to write about this topic or not, given I plotted myself into a corner, and the events in this book are integral to the following books (aka Untold and Unforgiven.)

Yet maybe part of this reason is this: the Lord put this story in my heart to show the reality of life-sucking pain and struggle and heartache … and that His strength is greater than it all.

I’ve never struggled with severe depression as Evgeny did. Yet depression and suicide can touch anyone—this world has been marred with sin. Depression and suicide are heartbreaking realities of this broken world.

And Christian fiction must show reality. No, our books should never glorify evil or suffering nor stay in that bleak, hopeless place for too long. But we must show the struggles that real people in a real world face—and the truth that the God Who is so very real is a present help in time of trouble.

As authors, we must show God’s grace in spite of the night of suffering—whether that’s depression and suicide or any other trial. This isn’t to say we shouldn’t write happy, light books – those are much-needed, too. But the world needs Christian fiction that confronts the darkness head-on and shows the strength and light of Jesus in spite of the world’s darkness.

That is what I strove to do with Unworthy: to show grace that is sufficient for us in spite of our unworthiness and grace that holds us fast even when we falter and stumble and fall in the darkest of nights.

If you suffer from depression and/or suicidal thoughts, I pray you see the Light of the World. Jesus is far greater than any horrible feeling or thought or experience or anything else in this world. He is greater than the whole world, and despite your hideously real and dark feelings, there is hope. He’s already won the battle, Christian, and He is a certain Hope that will hold you through the darkest of storms.

For no matter the darkness, He is the Light of the world.

“Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.” (John 8:12 KJV)