LET IT BEGIN WITH ME

Let it begin with LOVE

There was a time in my life when I did not know that I was loved. Oh yes, I knew my Mom and Dad loved me and we kissed and hugged every night before going to bed. We had a very loving home and we even told each other “I love you”. As a small child I talked to God and I felt his love. I have five sisters and we all love each other too. However, sometimes,  deep down inside in my secret place,  I felt loved only if  I was good. Through my own perception in life, I somehow came to the conclusion that if I am good, I am loved and if I am bad then I will not be loved. So as you can image, I spent most of my life being good, so that I could feel secure and loved.

I guess you could call me an over achiever. I strived to make good grades without supervision; I kept a clean room and did my chores without being told. I grew up to be a clean freak and did my best to live the perfect life. I desperately worked hard for others approval, especially from my sisters. Little did I know my attempts actually built a grate chasm between us. I was 26 years old before anyone had the courage to tell me anything for fear of hurting me. However, one of my sisters could not stand it any longer and told me the truth. Words can not express my gratitude for what she did. You see she took a risk in telling me the truth. She risked hurting me and our relationship. The truth of the matter however, was our relationship was already hurting and there was already separation between us. If she had never had the courage to help me, I imagine that we may not have the close healthy relationship that we share today. “Thank you deeply, Sis, for loving me through our differences”.

Being number 5 of 6 girls, as you can image, I was often picked at and left out of the group. We have all heard 2 is company but 3 is a crowd. Well sisters 1 & 2 made company, sisters 3 & 4 made company but I was always the crowd.   My baby sister did not come along until I was 8 years old.  So you can see how this was part of the framework that developed my twisted need to be accepted and an over achiever. As an adult, I realize our sibling relationships were pretty normal. It is common for children to pick at each other and develop a pecking order of hierarchy. In this I also developed a zero tolerance towards bullies. I hated being picked at and I could not stand it when people at school picked on others. Furthermore, bulling or making an open spectacle of others, was detestable to me then and now.

I am not saying that I never succumbed to this terrible act. I sometimes wonder if I have ever hurt someone in this way and never apologized. Just the thought that I may have offended others without reconciliation in my past still hurts me today. I doubt if I hurt another in this way that they were able to forget it. So for the moment if you are out there and happen to read this post, and I was cruel to you, please let me know so that I can take the time to ask for your forgiveness.  I truly am sorry.

Oh I know that the world is a cruel place and we can not change people, but one person can make a difference. I also know that no family is perfect and we all have our issues. That is normal. I do however believe in relationship, love, compassion and understanding. These are the things that afford families to last and stand the test of time. So for today and I hope for the rest of my life, I take a stand for relationship, love, compassion, forgiveness and understanding. Every form of abuse should not be tolerated including, “emotional” abuse. I will open my mouth and not keep silent while others hurt needlessly. When deeds are brought to the light, bullies loose their power. The more people know about the abuser, the more difficult it becomes for them to continue. Moreover, when I fail others and find my own actions are hurtful, I hope that someone has the courage to open my eyes that I too might repent.

So back to feeling loved: Today, I know that I am loved and I no longer have the need to persuade others to like me or love me. I do not have the need to seek the approval of others. I can accept things as they are and respond in a healthy loving and caring way. I can not change my own self and I can not change others. I can love my self and I can love others. I trust that love will change what we can not.

I have found that in accepting my self and my faults, I am able to accept others. My relationship with my husband, children and others has changed for the better because of it. Loving unconditional is not my nature, but it is God’s nature. I must rely on his presence in me to love this way. Sometimes love must be tough, like the way my sister loved me with the brutal truth about my self. That is never easy, but we must take the same kind of courage that she displayed and love through the tough times.

Let it begin with me.

It all starts with God loving me first. I still am not able to comprehend how much God loves me, for if I could, it would be impossible for me to have fear. I have however, placed my foot onto a new path of enlightenment. I am also discovering how to love myself and others without condition. That even includes my personal bullies. Loving others however, does not mean accepting abuse of any kind. Loving others comes in many forms and I am learning new ways to love all the time. Starting with the truth about me and my own faults is a great place to begin. One thing I would like to mention though is just because I have started on this path, does not mean I will not make mistakes along the way.

This post is my personal invitation for you to join me. Take a look at your self. The real you, deep down, without any mask and discover who you really are. Then take some time and let faith, hope and your tears water the seed of God’s love in your heart. In time it will begin to grow. What this world needs now is Love sweet Love. I hope you will declare with me: “Let it begin with me”.