Dissociation
In 2021 I experienced a feeling of being outer body despite being in my body. I recognised my emotions but didn’t feel them, my mood was up and down, I made decisions that I wouldn’t normally choose. I went through this for almost two months and I can look back and recognise when it began and when I came back to the surface. I now know that I was dissociating and I have come to learn more about it so that I can try to help myself when I go into this space.
Dissociation is a mental process of disconnection from your own thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity.
Signs of dissociating can include:
Finding yourself ‘losing time’
You find yourself going ‘outside your body’ in times of stress
You feel emotionally numb
The world around you doesn’t feel real
Dissociating usually develops through coping with trauma and most often form in childhood, children subjected to long-term physical / sexual or emotional abuse.
(Credit: Better Health Channel)
I can look back in my life and see where I have dissociated but I wasn’t concerned about it, I thought they were episodes of depression at the time. Unfortunately the last year of my life I have been going in and out of this state and I feel my brain is trying to protect me. The amount I have gone through In such a short time has really woken me up to the self awareness I have developed. I feel I am unlocking a different kind of healing, perhaps before I was simply just getting on with life thinking that I was recovering from the trauma I have experienced, how wrong I was. I hadn’t realised that I was still living out my survival tactics despite leaving an abusive relationship and going into a healthier one, since living on my own as a single person I have seen the depths of the abuse I endured and how I was institusanilsed.
I feel that there are different levels of dissociating, from day dreaming, zoning out mid conversation to staring completely into space and not realising hours have passed you by. There are times I don’t feel dissociating is harmful and that’s when I know I am going to go through something challenging and I know the best place for me is to dissociate, this could be major surgery, fighting a fear, having to keep face in a dissagreement. But most of the time it’s not something I can control.
There are a number of ways you can get support for dissociating, like CBT therapy, hypnotherapy and other therapies. I believe that therapy should be approached in a holistic way because not one therapy fits each person, just like we all have different shoe sizes.
I have decided to look into getting support for this because this state of mind scares me. I want to feel my emotions, I want to be present and I don’t want to feel as though I am lost or on auto pilot.
Going on the solo holiday was a part of taking the time to ground myself and see if I could connect myself again. Join the puzzle pieces and give myself a break. I started writing this whilst I was on holiday because I recognised that I was still dissociating and I felt the child inside of me is crying out. I feel alone and that there’s no clear path for me to go on. The one thing that grounds me when I am in this place is my children and I am thankful that they are my anchor through these waves.
As I explore ways to help me with dissociation, I will collate them into a blog post to share my findings with you. If you experience dissociation and have something that helps, please reach out to me. I’m hopeful that this will help others that also go into a dissociative space.
Follow my work, the campaigns I get involved in, organisations I support and my journey.
Success!First Name
Last Name
The post Dissociation appeared first on Jennifer Gilmour.
