TWENTY FIVE POINTS FOR LIVING

Anyone's life, viewed from the inside, is probably just a series of defeats. -- George Orwell

When you lose, don't lose the lesson. -- Ed Tom Halleck

I do not pretend to be a guru. If you examined my life objectively, you'd probably declare it a minor disaster, akin to a partially contained forest fire: The fire chief is confident it will be brought under control, but he can't say when or exactly how, and in the mean time, danger remains high. I expect most people's lives would be judged similarly if subjected to real scrutiny, but I'm a writer, and let's face it, when it comes to fuck-ups, we are a special breed. The average writer is a drunken, antisocial misanthrope, more comfortable with books than with people. On the other hand, writers read a great deal, and it is through reading as much as through actual life experience, that one acquires wisdom: not mere knowledge, but actual wisdom for living.

Over the course of my life I have discovered myself to be somewhat different from many other writers of my acquaintance in that I have traveled slightly more than the average, and also had more what might be called "unintellectual experiences:" I was in a fraternity, I've trained in various martial arts, I succumbed to the lure of "being a Chad" when my looks and a temporary illusion of money made that possible, I worked in law enforcement, et cetera and so on. In retrospect, much of my behavior was embarrassingly shallow, self-consciously fake, and altogether stupid. I was emulating the people who I had despised in my teens but also been horribly jealous of: the bullies, the jocks, the cool and popular rich kids. When the time came that I was able to become one of them, I did so with enormous enthusiasm, to the point where I hid whatever natural intelligence I possessed so as to blend in, and even pruned my speech so I wouldn't out myself as a closet intellectual. This self-crippling phase was actually quite productive in a certain sort of way: it allowed me to see that the grass was not much greener on the other side, that popular kids and tough guys both are equally unhappy when nobody is looking, and that there are distinct and cruel penalties for hiding who you are and denying what you must become. In short, it let me learn that there is much wisdom to be gained from stupidity -- or at the very least from making mistakes. Mistakes are fundamental to the learning process. However strange it might sound, they are the fuel without which growth, and success, are impossible...provided, of course, that we learn from them.

It follows that along the mistake-strewn path of my life, I have accumulated a number of wisdom-pearls which I would like to share with you now. Each of them has served me well, and while I do not claim to have originated any of them, or even to have followed their dictates consistently, they are undeniably true and can yield tangible results. So here we go: 25 rules for living, brought to you by a guy whose qualifications can be summed up in two words: I'm alive.

1. The day has the same number of hours for everyone, billionaires and homeless people. It's not “having time,” it's what you do with it. If I had a nickel for every time someone whined they didn't have time to go to a gym or take a Spanish class or learn how to change spark plugs, all while they reached for their sixth beer of the evening, I'd be richer than Gates. If you want to do it, you'll find the time. Period.

2. Everyone is talking about motivation nowadays -- finding it, keeping it. Screw motivation. Embrace discipline. With discipline you don't need motivation. I didn't go hiking on Friday evening in the bitter cold, through inch-deep mud, because I felt motivated to do so: I'd had a long day at work, I was tired, and I was also hungry. What I wanted was to eat, lie down, and watch re-runs of "CSI." And I did all that. But first I went hiking. That's discipline. How did I come about it -- me, a naturally lazy, disorganized person? Well, it takes only three weeks to break a bad habit, and it takes the same amount of time to begin a good one. Force yourself to be uncomfortable doing something healthy for yourself, and before long you won't be able to stop if you try.

3. Rethink your priorities. Most people treat their cars better than their bodies. They pay more attention their presence on social media than their real friendships. They spend vast sums on things that actively harm their physical and mental health but complain "they don't have the money" to eat healthy, join a gym, etc., etc. Take a moment here and there to see what you're prioritizing in life and question whether the order looks right to you. If it feels wrong, it is.

4. People will tell you explicitly who they are with their actions. Believe them. It may be curious for a writer to downplay the value of words, but in real life, talk is cheap. Pay attention to what folks actually do,not their line of gab. And apply this to yourself as well. It will kill the hypocrite within you faster than a bullet.

5. Start saying “I will” instead of “I want” and see the change. Most limitations are self-imposed. The mind is an incredibly powerful tool, but it can also be an incredibly powerful enemy.

6. Don't think about what you want, think about what you want to be. They are usually not the same and can sometimes be diametrically opposed. What you want is probably a cheeseburger and a beer, but what you want to be is in better shape. Or better educated. Or better tempered. Et cetera and so on. Learn to differentiate between momentary wants and your actual goals.

7. Attack life with a prepared mind. Bad things will happen anyway, but the prepared mind deals with 'em better. Take that 15 minutes before bed to lay out your clothes, pack your lunch, shave, and go over your schedule for the following day, and see how much easier your next mornings will become: no scrambling, no running out the door with your shoes untied, no arriving late for work.

8. Going without will teach you want from need. Whether it's caffeine, nicotine, porn, sugar, or the dopamine hit you get from your iPhone, try going cold turkey for a few weeks and see how it affects you. You might be surprised how easy it is to give up some -- SOME -- of the things you think you need.

9. Learn to feed off the negativity of others. People are always going to naysay and hate, why not turn it into fuel? I owe a lot of my success in writing and the entertianment industry to wanting to make my own personal doubters eat their words.

10. If you weren't happy before the shiny object, you won't be happy after you get the shiny object. Happiness is an inside job. Work on you, and if someone hands you a trophy down the road, or you decide to buy that Ferrari with your bonus money, enjoy it for its own sake without confusing it with your worth as a human being.

11. You can acquire things or you can acquire experiences. You'll get bored with the things sooner or later, but you never get tired of your memories. Travel when you can -- even if it means one county over, to some forgotten Civil War battlefield or winery or bed and breakfast. Go to the sporting event, or the concert, or the poetry slam. Hike the woods in the fall instead of watching the NFL. Drive two towns over to read the book in that cool coffee joint you've heard so much about. Ask your old army or college buddy to go on a weekend roadtrip. Give yourself a trove of memories to enjoy when you get old.

12. Bitterness is the only completely useless emotion. You can use hate. You can use anger. You can even use jealousy or spite. But you can't use bitterness. It will eat you away and give you absolutely nothing in return.

13. Your thoughts determine your emotions, your emotions determine your actions, your actions set the course for your life. It all starts with your thoughts. Be mindful of negative thinking. Find out what works to get you out of that loop, whether it's dark chocolate, a call to a pal, a walk with the dog, a cup of tea or just a deep breath. And be patient. Bad mental habits are like any others, they take time and conscious effort to break.

14. You don't die from the bite, you die from the venom. An incident is just an incident, it's how you react to it that matters. People will do you wrong. If you let that ruin you, that is more on you than it is them. Anyone who deliberately wrongs you doesn't give a shit how you feel anyway, so why let their actions control how you feel and behave?

15. The wake does not drive the boat, and exhaust does not drive the car. Your past has no say in your present or future. People who cry about their past are still living in it. You can change course at any moment. Read that twice.

16. The devil has no power over you except that which you give him, and you can take it all back at any time. Whatever demons plague you, they are in your head at your own invitation. Throw them the fuck out. If you can't do it yourself, get help. If the people around you won't assist, they're part of the problem. Throw them out, too.

17. Try new things. Fail at them. Try again. Make yourself uncomfortable on a regular basis. You will never discover greatness, or even true satisfaction in life, if you don't take risks. Whether it's a cooking class or a karate tournament, give it a shot.

18. People come and go, so enjoy them while they're around. Not everyone is a long-hauler in your life, nor you in theirs, so just take a moment to appreciate the people passing through. I'd pay a pretty to tell some of the folks from my past what they meant to me, even if they were only around a semester or two in 1996 or a few months in 2013.

19. Never dim your light to let others shine. The world is full of jealous, spiteful people full of clever, convincing arguments as to why you should trim your sails for their benefit. When you burn your brightest, the people who love you will be pleased and proud, not threatened. Pay attention to how others regard your triumphs. Some people will be sympathetic as hell when you fail, but seethe with envy when you succeed. Their sympathy is just a case of misery loving company, failure being comforted by fellow failure. Get rid of them. Better to have no friends at all than "frenemies."

20. Wayne Dyer once said, "You can't get thin by hating being fat." How much you revile a situation or a state of being won't change it one iota. When I was at my lowest a few years ago, I finally realized the sheer intensity of my misery wasn't changing the situation. I had to do that for myself. I had to come up with a plan for change and then execute it. The good part? The mere act of taking a paper and pencil and writing out your plan will start the shift you're looking for. The act of planning change is the first step toward change, and you can do it from your dinner table.

21. The world doesn't owe you anything, it owes you everything. It was made to be your playground and proving ground both. Experience is why you exist, why you have a brain and senses to interpret what we call reality. But you've got to go out and collect what the universe owes you. It won't send you a check.

22. Contrary to what generations of high school gym coaches taught you, quitters CAN win. Quitting is perfectly acceptable if you defer it everlastingly into the future. I can't tell you the number of times I've gotten up a literal or figurative mountain by saying, "I'll quit in 100 more yards." Then I cross that 100 yard distance and say, "OK, I'll quit in 50 more yards" or "I'll quit in 500 more yards." Before I know it I'm atop the mountain. A lot of victories in life are achieved through self-hypnosis, self-bargaining, or just plain lying. From a purely internal standpoint, it's not how you get there, it's THAT you get there.

23. If you don't make fun of yourself occasionally, other people will...continuously. We're all ridiculous occasionally, just go ahead and admit it. But also be on guard: I have never in my life met anyone worth a damn that couldn't laugh at themselves a little, now and again. The inability to do this is a very serious character fault and indicates you're in the presence of an egotist or even worse, a narcissist.

24. There is no courage without fear. I get so sick of Hollywood telling us the Vin Diesel and Steven Seagal character types, the completely fearless Mary Sues, are heroes. Heroism is the mastery of fear, not the absence of it: if you're not scared when you do the brave deed, you're not brave.

25. It is never too late to start over. In my own life I have re-invented myself more times than Madonna. I went from being a popular, athletic ringleader to a friendless, basement-dwelling misanthropic nerd; a drunken fratboy to a Dean's List student; East Coast law enforcement to Hollywood; and the shallowness of Hollywood to the troubled deeps of victim advocacy. And I have done all of this while writing furiously in multiple mediums. I am now 50 and have zero intentions of stopping. Mind you, some people are quite happy where they are and have or feel no need to change, but if a divorce, if a disease, if some unforeseen disaster or unexpected boon presents you with the need for a radical re-invention of your life and circumstances, rest assured it is possible. If I can do it, absolutely anyone can.

There you have it. It's not my entire store of fortune-cookie wisdom, but it's a heaping helping of same, and it never fails to amaze me how much better my life gets when I remember these principles and try to stick to them. The saddest thing in life is the person who manages to go 20, 30 years into his adulthood without really learning anything: the look of dismay, of bewildered agony, they wear as they fail yet again to lose weight, or find a better job, or quit a bad habit, or just plain feel better about themselves is truly painful and depressing to behold. Don't be that person. If none of this resonates with you, sit down and systematize the lessons life has taught you, good and bad. You'll be surprised by how much you've learned.