Changing the language around my anxiety

(This is a personal experiment I am trying to shift my mindset about my anxiety. I am not suggesting people with anxiety should do the same, especially if they suffer from severe anxiety or panic disorders. I have worked for over a decade with therapists, doctors, books, and my own personal experiences to get to the point where this feels appropriate to do. Please always seek professional help first if you are really struggling.)

I don’t want to say “I have anxiety” or “I am an anxious person” this year. This dialogue doesn’t serve me anymore. Back when mental illness was more taboo for me, these words were empowering. They said “I have something I struggle with, and I’m not ashamed to admit it”. And I stand by that. Mental health should be something we all openly discuss, not something we hide and deal with alone.

I will always advocate for honesty around mental health and mental illness.

However, for me personally, going around and saying so often that I have anxiety, or always making jokes at my own expense, or just generally subscribing to the notion that anxiety is an ever-present force in my life is no longer serving me. I feel it may be a hindrance. It’s like saying it’s inevitable. It’s just who I am, so why try change?

And again, it might be innate in me. I do believe it is. For some people, they are more prone to anxiety and depression. It’s in their biology. I think I may be one of those people. However, that doesn’t mean it needs to ride in the front seat. It doesn’t need to have access to my energy. It could happen to me, and I experience the feelings and thoughts and bodily reactions, without me shrugging and naming it “anxiety”.

Let me explain better.

Language has power. It has meaning. Naming a feeling is potent. Sometimes, that’s all you need in order to feel better about something. “I feel angry”. And even better to be able to name why. “I feel angry because my mom embarrassed me at dinner today.” And even better to name why it was such a trigger. “I feel angry because my mom embarrassed me at dinner. I just hate that I made a mistake years ago and it is still punishing me today. I think I never truly forgave myself for the mistake.”

This is emotional intelligence. This is healthy. This solves problems. And if it does not solve them, it takes the power away from the situation a least a little.

I practice this as much as I can and it’s really helped over the years. However, anxiety seems to be a different thing. For me, anxiety isn’t an emotion. It’s a force. It’s this ugly, strong, uncontrollable force that has a hold on me. I have techniques to relieve the symptoms and help myself but that’s just in the moment. Anxiety isn’t just in the moment. It’s always there.

What I’m trying to say is this is more a case of tackling something that’s not fleeting. It’s more about personality. About habits. About lifestyle choices. About who I think I am. About my belief systems. Anxiety leaks into all of that for me, but I no longer want it to.

At the moment, I would name “anxious” or “anxiety” on a list of things about me. Or personality traits. Heck, I’ve taken the Myers-Briggs personality test on 16 Personalities for years now and always come up the same as INFJ-T. What does the T stand for? Turbulent! Even a test thinks I have a turbulent personality/mind.

What I want to push for this year is making anxiety and anxious feelings an emotion again. I can deal with emotions. I want to slowly pick it apart from the other areas, so all that’s left is a fleeting thing that is an emotion, thought, or feeling that I can manage. Sounds neat and simple, but I know it won’t be. This will take potentially years of work. I am willing to do the work, if I changes my life and relationship with anxiety.

I don’t have a fully fledged plan yet. But as I say, I’m starting with my language. Simply stop myself when I say “I have anxiety” or “I am anxious”. This language gives it more power over me.

Instead, name the emotion. “I am afraid.” Because anxiety, at its root, is fear. Being afraid of something. Whether it’s something big or small, logical or illogical, it’s still fear.

“I’m afraid my boss will realise I’m not good at my job and I’m an imposter.”

“I’m afraid my husband will stop finding me attractive.”

“I’m afraid I won’t ever want to be a mother like everyone expects me to be.”

“I’m afraid I am not good enough to make it as a writer, and I have no plan B, so I’m doomed to depression and poverty my whole life.”

These are real fears I’ve had/have. But calling them anxiety, this big umbrella term, simply makes them seem unmanageable and grand. It takes away my power to sort these issues out. Naming the emotion, the why, and the trigger/experience, needs to be how I actively tackle anxious moments or thoughts. Again and again and again. I was taught this in therapy (CBT). It works. It may seem boring, and you may need to keep tackling the same thoughts, but it works in the moment.

I am not, or at least I no longer want to adopt the idea that I am subject to anxiety forever. That anxiety is just who I am. Siana and Anxiety, best buds. Siana and Anxiety are one. No. Do I experience strong, sometimes uncontrollable and illogical bouts of fear? Yes! Would that be diagnosed as anxiety? Yes (it has been). Is it okay to feel anxiety or have an anxiety disorder? Heck yes! Does it make you a freak or weak or a loser? Heck no, in fact, more people than you realise would say that they have anxiety and or depression in their lives.

But as I said, I just (personally) don’t want to use that dialogue anymore. I feel I’m done with it. I’m stronger and more educated about anxiety than I used to be, and I feel it’s time to experiment with new wording.

“I feel stressed”

“I feel overwhelmed”

“I feel confused”

“I feel so tired that I’m not thinking clearly”

“I feel decision fatigue so I can’t decide right now”

“I am thinking too far ahead right now”

“This is not a problem right now”

“I don’t need this on my plate right now”

“I don’t want to think about this right now”

“I will seek help about this topic to see more clearly”

Again, this is just for me. It’s not for you to do the same if this doesn’t work for you in your life right now. It might not even work for me. I may change my mind. And that’s okay. I’m human. We’re human. We just gotta do what we feel is best for us.

Wishing you all the very best.

Sincerely,

S. xx