I Think I’m Ready Now

The night before I graduated from college, my parents took the family out for dinner. Afterwards, my brothers and I went out for drinks. I took the two of them to Bukowski’s, my favorite bar. It was one, dark, cozy room with a long bar to your left as you walked in, smoky tables to your right, a neon sign in the window, and either punk or metal or techno blaring out of the speakers depending on who the bartender was. That night, it was punk.

Gabe looked around a little before he led us over to a table. He seemed to be sniffing the air and finding a vague scent that he found mildly displeasing. “Nice place,” he said, but I think he was too enthralled with the idea of me graduating to really care. Otherwise, I’m sure he would have suggested that we go somewhere else.

Seth seemed to kind of like the place though. He had a hard time keeping his eyes off of two leather clad girls at the bar, but he managed to keep an air of superiority about himself. His body language implied that although he might have been there, he was better than the place.

I sat down against the wall. Gabe was across from me. Seth faced us on a perpendicular to my right and Gabe’s left.

A waitress came over to take our orders. She was blonde and cute. Seth smiled at her when she spoke. I liked it when he smiled like that. His lips curled out like the Joker’s, and his eyes lit up like he was insane. It was one expression that was entirely his own. For all their similarities, Gabe never looked like that. The waitress walked away. Seth craned his neck to watch her hips sway. Gabe laughed a little about that.

We talked until the waitress came back and set our drinks down. We raised our glasses. They met above the middle of the table in a toast to me and my future, and we didn’t even spill a drop of foam. We each took a swig of beer. I leaned back into the wall and wiped a little dribble off my lips.

We laughed about our family. Gabe and Seth reminisced about their graduations and what they’d done immediately after: how hard Seth had worked to make money; how nervous Gabe had been about whether or not he’d do well in med school.

Finally, Gabe said, “So tomorrow’s the big day?” He was smiling. His skin was still as smooth and fair as when we were children. It hardly wrinkled at all.

I looked down at my beer, narrowed my eyes, and nodded.

“And you’re gonna be coming back to New York?”

I nodded again.

Gabe stopped smiling. He took another sip, smacked his lips, and went on, more soberly than before. “I guess you’re staying with Mom and Dad, but you know you’re welcome to stay with Ariel and me until you find your own place.”

“Thanks, but I…”

Just like when we were kids, unable to be outdone, Seth broke in, “I don’t know if Mom and Dad told you, but it’s fine for you to stay in the city with me for a little while too. I could even ask around the firm to see if any positions are opening up. It would be entry level, so there wouldn’t be much money at first, but it would be enough to live on, and once you start learning how the market works, you could move up. You’re smart. I’m sure it wouldn’t be too hard for you to figure out, and then you could make bank, if you know what I mean.” Seth tipped his beer towards me, and he flashed the same grin he’d grinned earlier.

I took another sip of beer, sighed, and glanced around. I didn’t know how to have that conversation right then. I nodded politely and said, “Thanks guys. Really, thanks.”

Gabe and Seth each smiled their older-brother-helping-out-the-baby smiles. Gabe leaned across the table, grabbed my arm, and said something about the benefit of family. We all drank from our glasses again.

My brothers both look exactly like our father. They both have long noses, thin faces, and full lips. If it weren’t for their differences in coloring – Seth’s dark curls and almost olive skin, Gabe’s blond hair and fair features – they could be twins. Their personalities are different as well. Seth was so cool and uncaring. Gabe was so intense and powerful.

Their oppositions formed my earliest memories. In my mind, the beginning of my life had always consisted of the two of them arguing with each other about what part I should play in their games or else each of them pulling me aside separately to give me advice about what I should or shouldn’t do. Then, they’d both disappeared, and I’d still had a lot of growing up to do.

With barely a year separating them, Gabe and Seth were the brothers. I was an only child whose link to them was spending my entire life being punished for whatever mistakes they had made when they were whatever age I was at. For Christ’s sake, they grew up in Texas. I grew up in New Jersey. I was nine years old when we moved. Gabe and Seth were seventeen and sixteen respectively. I was starting middle school when Seth left. They didn’t know me at all. I didn’t even look like them. You wouldn’t think we were related unless you saw a family photo. There were plenty of those being taken that week. We were more related than we had ever been.

I look like our mother. I always have. I have brown hair. My nose is squat. My face is round. As I get older and my metabolism slows down, I’m sure I’ll get fat. But right now, I look okay. It took me twenty-two years to realize that. Gabe and Seth seemed to have each known it about themselves from the day they were born. At least, that’s what the awkward pre-pubescent me had always thought as I grew up, aghast at the powers that were my brothers.

And because of that, they had had as much authority over my childhood as any adult. Even more because their proximity to me had instilled a certain awe that could never be replicated by any of the giants whose stomping grounds were well outside my sphere of play.

So I wanted to understand them. So I acted as them. As soon as I entered the theater when I was in high school, I was always one of them onstage because there was nothing spectacular about me.

Gabe smiled proudly, “Mom and Dad are so happy you’re gonna be close to the family again. I’m happy about it.”

I politely acquiesced with what had become my habitual nod.

“Yeah,” Seth laughed, “It’ll be nice to tour around the city with my baby brother.”

My face reddened, and I shifted around uncomfortably.

Gabe cast a mistrustful glance at Seth. Seth shrugged, What? It was a replay of my childhood. Growing serious again, Gabe looked back at me and asked, “So what are you planning on doing in the city?”

I sat up a little straighter. “I don’t know. I’ve got a lot of friends who have been there for a while, and I’m hoping they can help get me some parts in some shows. I’ve got a pretty good résumé already, but to get the kinds of parts I want, I really need to do more work in New York.”

Now, it was my brothers’ turns to nod.

Gabe cleared his throat and straightened his pants. “I meant, what are you gonna do for work?”

That was the conversation that I really didn’t know how to have. I stared at my beer. Tilting my head to the side, I slowly answered, “I’m not really too worried about it. I figure I’ll see what happens.”

My brothers exchanged a glance. Gabe pulled himself closer to the table, closer to me. He rested his arms around his beer. “You know, Carey,” he began, “New York isn’t a place where you see what happens.”

I answered that one with my nod. It was the safest response.

“It’s a tough place to live,” Seth agreed. My mouth dropped open, and I turned to him. I never expected him to take Gabe’s side. Realizing what I was thinking, Seth smoothed his hands down his pants. He chuckled. “It’s not Boston, you know. It takes money to live in the city.”

My tone grew a little irritated. I didn’t mean for it to, it just did. “It takes money to live in Boston, too, Seth, but I’ve done just fine.” Now, if there was one thing I had learned by the time I was four, it was never to give Seth anything that he could perceive as a challenge. And that was exactly what I had just done.

Seth narrowed his eyes and tightened his lips to make the face that he always made right before he hit me when we were kids, but he relaxed quickly. He knew I was frustrated with Gabe. He was always frustrated with Gabe. It must have been nice for him to see someone else getting grilled by the oldest for a change.

Gabe looked concerned. “Mom and Dad won’t be helping you out anymore. You’re more than welcome to stay with any of us for a little while, Carey, but not forever.”

“I wasn’t planning on staying with mom and dad or either of you guys.”

They were both shocked at my assertion. Gabe lifted his pint off the table, leaned back into his chair, and took another sip. Seth moved closer to me.

Blinking a few times, Gabe asked, “So where were you planning on staying?”

“With a friend of mine in Brooklyn.”

“So you’ll be living with your friend?”

“For a little while, I guess. Until I get my own place.”

“You can’t get your own place if you don’t work.”

“I’m gonna work. I’ll probably wait tables or something.”

“You can’t live in Manhattan these days on a waiter’s salary, Carey. I’m sure Seth can tell you that.” Gabe turned to Seth who had been distracted by one of the girls in leather standing up at the bar, but as soon as he saw Gabe set his jaw, he came back to our conversation. He nodded. I wondered if he knew what he was agreeing to.

“I was planning on living in Brooklyn anyway,” I said.

“Even Brooklyn isn’t affordable anymore. Seth can tell you that too.”

Seth nodded again.

“Look, Gabe,” I was being diplomatic. I could tell that Gabe’s concern was turning into frustration. “I know plenty of people who are doing it. Things are tight for them, but they make it work. I can too.” I didn’t really know how to get myself out of the conversation.

“And what are their lives like?” Gabe was getting angry. I’d seen him act like this with Seth when we were younger, but he’d never used this tone of voice with me.

“They do just fine. They’re happy.”

“Happy that they don’t have a future? That they aren’t giving anything back to the people who care about them? Carey, you’re not a kid anymore. These are the things you have to think about now. You have responsibilities, responsibilities to your family and yourself. Where do you want to be in five years? In ten years?”

What was I supposed to say? I could tell him that I wanted to be an actor, but that wouldn’t be a sufficient answer. So I did the one thing I never thought I would ever do in my entire life: I rolled my eyes at Gabe. I didn’t mean to. It just happened, and as soon as I did it, I wanted to apologize, but…

“Forget about it.” Gabe finished his beer in one gulp. Setting the sudsy glass back on the table, he said, “I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” He stood up and stretched. I nodded in the direction he should go, and he sulked away.

I felt bad. I knew he was disappointed in me. He had helped me out a lot with money while I was in school, and I guess he figured that once I got out I’d repay my debt to him by paying something to somebody else. I was going to do that, just in my own way.

As soon as he left, Seth pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. “I hate the way he looks at me when I smoke,” he admitted. After taking one out, he set the pack on the table and nodded to let me know that I could have one. I thanked him, pulled one out, and let him light it for me. The waitress came by again. Seth ordered another round for us.

He grinned as she walked over to the bar. He watched her place our order, and he turned back to me. “Don’t let Gabe get to you,” he said. A haze of smoke clouded and dispersed around his face. “He’s been pulling that shit with me for forever. ‘Why don’t you start a family? Why don’t you move back out to Jersey?’” With a flick of his wrist and a purse of his lips, Seth waved away everything Gabe had ever said. He laughed. “What do you expect? He’s a doctor. It’s just the way he is.”

I snorted a short laugh, flicked my ash on the floor, and leaned into the wall.

I was glad to be alone with Seth. My guilt was already dripping away. He always stuck up for me. Granted he was the only one who ever got really angry with me, too. But he always told Gabe that I should get to do whatever I wanted to do. Thank God for Seth.

Seth finished his beer. His smile disappeared. He deepened his voice to add, “I am serious about the money, though.”

I quickly tensed my body. Seth must have sensed my reaction because he laughed apologetically. “Come on, Carey. Forget about all that shit Gabe said. I’m just talking about you doing what you want to do.”

“That is what I want to do, Seth,” I whispered.

He threw his hands up in mock surrender. “Okay, okay. Far be it from me to smash your dreams of being a starving artist in the big city.” He laughed and leaned closer to me. His dark eyes shined in the dismal light. “But you know it’s not the nineteenth century anymore. Hell, this time next year, it won’t even be the twentieth century, and if that whole artist thing didn’t go out with the invention of capitalism, it definitely ran straight for the door when e-commerce came around.” He laughed again. I didn’t. “Carey, I’m just saying that you’re young. You wanna be able to live. You’ll be in New York City. Don’t you want to eat at a restaurant instead of scraping change together for a slice of pizza? You should be able to go to clubs and bars that have more attractions than the sixty year old drunk falling out of his chair. I’m not saying that you should give up acting, just get yourself some capital, then worry about making art. Christ, if you do things right, you could live off the interest from your investments alone, and with the elasticity that the market has these days, you could retire by the time you’re thirty. I’m serious. I know people who do it. Me, I love it too much, but you, you’d have all the time in the world to act. Plus,” he pulled his chair closer to me, and he whispered conspiratorially, “You don’t wanna have to hustle some little hottie in a cab all the way back to Brooklyn.” He laughed again. I couldn’t figure out what he thought was so funny. “I mean, Brooklyn might be kind of cool these days, but if you wanna wait tables, you’re gonna be living in the ghetto, man. And none of the city’s finest wanna bare their sweet stuff in the hood.” He raised his eyebrow and nudged my shoulder.

I didn’t answer.

Seth leaned back into his chair. “All right. I’m just saying that if you wanna live in New York, then you should live in New York…”

“I will be living in New York, Seth, just a different one from the one you live in,” I said, and I glared at him.

Seth didn’t think there was a New York other than the one he lived in. His smile disappeared. He gave me the look. He leaned towards me, but I didn’t cower away from him. I waited to see what he would do or say. We were two grown men in a bar. What was going to happen? Was he going to spit on me? Smack me in the face? Even if he did, for the first time ever, I wasn’t scared. I guessed I’d have to spit back at him or maybe even hit him. The bouncers would break us up before Seth hurt me, but I wasn’t so sure that Seth could hurt me anymore…

Right then, the waitress brought our beers. Seth had to smile at her as she leaned over the table. “You’re lucky,” he whispered to me.

I didn’t believe him, and I didn’t care.

He waved me off as if I’d actually offered to pay, and he pulled a money clip out of his pocket. He counted the bills out slowly, mouthing each amount and glancing up to see if the waitress’s eyes lit up at the size of his wad. He gave her a two dollar tip on each beer. She smiled as he handed the money to her. He winked at me. His smile curled wider and wider as he leaned towards her. She pulled the money from his hand, and she walked away.

I was embarrassed.

Seth picked his beer up off the table. He took a sip, but before wiping his lips, he leaned over to mash his half-smoked cigarette out in the ashtray.

I looked up quickly. Gabe had come back. Glaring disappointedly at both of us, he slid back into his seat. I was trembling, but I didn’t stop smoking.

He looked at the fresh beer in front of him. “You ordered this for me?”

Seth nodded.

Gabe looked around the bar. Then, he said slowly, “You guys figure anything out while I was gone?”

Seth laughed.

We sat silently for a little while. My brothers were practically ignoring me. Eventually, Gabe asked Seth what he thought the future held for the market. Seth spouted out a few theories about off-the-charts growth and wireless technologies or something like that. I didn’t know anything about any of it.

Pretty soon, the second beers began dwindling down to nothing. Gabe said he was going to take off as soon as he was done. Seth said that he should probably head back to the hotel too. They asked me what I was going to do, and I told them that I thought I’d sit at the bar for a little while longer. Gabe nodded politely. Seth didn’t even look at me. They picked up their conversation where they’d left off. Pretty soon, they were standing up to leave. Seth murmured something about how goddamn early Boston closed, and they each gave me a hug. But the tension never disappeared.

Once they left, I ordered another beer.

I glanced around the bar. The gay bartender was flirting with some young guy who had come in all alone. An old drunk was unsuccessfully striking up a conversation with the washed-out woman next to him. A group of hipsters on their way to some club were trying to figure out what the best round of shots would be to get them pumped for the evening. The smell of spilled beer and stale smoke and fresh sweat stuck in my head. I inhaled deeply. It smelled nice.

The waitress came back. “You’re not leaving with your friends?” she asked.

“They’re my brothers,” I said.

“Really? You don’t look anything like them.”

“I know.”

I asked her if I could bum a cigarette from her. She smiled at me with a sweeter smile than she ever gave to Seth, but I didn’t care like he did, and she pulled a pack out of her pocket and handed me one.

I lit the cigarette with the fat, little candle on the table. Smoke streamed toward the dim lights above everybody’s head. My own puff swirled through the air on its own for a bit before mixing in with what everybody else was exhaling. I leaned back into the wall. I could smell the nervousness from my conversation with my brothers sweating through the armpits of my shirt. “I’m through with being Gabe and Seth onstage,” I said. I thought that maybe I should spill some beer so that I could be even more of a piece of everything that was going on around me.

From my story collection, Welcome to the Modern World, Charlie.