My Sin Became Unbearable
I felt trapped. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I was scared to death. I was 50 years old, and it felt like I had been fighting lust, masturbation and pornography my whole life. I knew that if I didn’t do something quickly, my secret sin was going to get much, much worse.
Like so many others who are caught up in addictions of all kinds, for many years I believed that what was lacking on my part was sincerity or effort. I thought that if I just prayed more fervently and tried harder next time I would overcome this compulsive sin. I did not realize how deeply ingrained these habits had become and that the solution would not be quick and easy. I also failed to understand that by keeping my sin a secret I was depriving myself of any help that I might receive from others who had answers for this kind of behavior.
After binging episodes, before I turned off the computer, I would make sure to wipe my search history clean and erase all of the cookies from my browser. Then I would vow to myself and to God that this was the last time I would ever look at porn. This happened dozens, if not hundreds, of times. Each time I promised God and myself that I wanted out of this predicament, vowing that this time I would try harder and this time I really meant it.
I was sick and tired of grip porn had on me. I longed for freedom. By God’s amazing grace one day I finally realized that if I didn’t get help right then, my sin would get infinitely worse. I thank God for rescuing me and nudging me to finally seek help. On that day, with the Lord’s help, I began to use the Internet, which had been a portal through which so much evil had entered my life, to search for ways to break free from this terrible addiction.
How was it that after decades of determining I was going to quit and failing, this time I finally began taking concrete steps to breaking free from compulsive cycle of sin? What was different that day when things actually started to change?
Certainly, God was present. He touched my heart and planted in me a drive to finally search for help. Yet He is always there and certainly more than willing to rescue the perishing. I had become deathly afraid of my craving for porn getting exponentially worse. I could see I had to find help. I was desperate, like a guy who is drowning and knows he is about to go under for the last time. I had come to the end of my rope and felt like I just had to find a way off of the hamster wheel of sin.
I’m sure some people seek freedom motivated by love – love for God or for others. But I have seen that many others, like me, have to reach the bottom of the barrel before they look up. Things had to get very bad before I finally took steps to seek true change. While I don’t believe this is the highest form of motivation it seems to be where most people start.
In AA the first of the twelve steps is: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors. That our lives had become unmanageable. In Romans 7:18 Paul wrote: “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”
The word I would change in this first step is “unmanageable”. I would say “unbearable”. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I couldn’t take it anymore. It seemed that lust was dominating my life. Far too many times it seemed as if pornographic thoughts had taken control of my mind. So much so that one of the greatest blessings in breaking free from this sin was getting my thoughts back.
Without a doubt, desperation is what compelled me to reach out for help. I pray that you have also come to the place where you just have to find a new life. It was only when I reached the end of my rope that I was ready to pay the price and do whatever it took to move forward into true and lasting change.
I pray that you have also reached the place where the life of sin has become unbearable.
I pray you will ask the Lord for help and take this first step down the road to freedom, because freedom is a glorious blessing from above!
Learn more about how to break free from pornography or other habitual sins in my book: Jesus Is Better Than Porn
