Bail Money: Stand By for My Call

Hmmm, can I put you onstandby for my call from the police station?

I need to have arelatively simple change made to my bank account. In days long past you couldwalk into your branch and have the necessary work done then and there. No mess,no fuss – quick and easy. Alas, those days are long gone.

The process now requiresyou to enter into the lion’s den of the bank’s online telephone system which isexpressly designed to prevent you from ever speaking to a live person.

So my nightmare began. Iwent online and got the telephone number of my local branch. Dialing thatnumber sucked me into the bowels of the demon. I had to go four levels deep inthe system to find the option that more or less encompassed the simple serviceI need. Option selected.

I then landed in thequeue waiting for an available attendant to answer my call. When the call wasfinally answered, it was not my local branch but rather the centralized SupportCentre. They had sucked me deeper in to the monster. I explained the simplechange I needed to have made and provided my bank access card number asrequested.

I was then tossed intothe bottomless pit of security questions. The first few were straightforward:full name, last four digits of the telephone number associated with theaccount, the name of my employer. One would think that would be sufficient. Butno. Oh my, no.

The attendant asked mefor the date and amount of the last deposit to my account. Seriously? I indicated that would be my paycheque. I knew the dateand the dollar figure but not the few cents included in it. Not good enough.

The attendant then askedme for the date and amount of the last charge to my account. Seriously? I indicated that would be thelast time I visited the grocery store. I knew the date but not the amount. Notgood enough.

The attendant thenadvised me that I had failed the authentication system – Oh, the shame of it! –and that I would have to contact my branch directly. I replied: “That’s thenumber I dialed. I ended up with you.”.

She indicated she wouldtransfer me to my branch. But instead she transferred me back to the demon telephonesystem which I quickly realized would loop me full circle back to the SupportCentre. I hung up in disgust.

My next step was to logon to the bank’s website and attempt to book an appointment that way. I did asearch for “Book an Appointment”. It tells me that option is available underthe “Contact” menu. I access the “Contact Menu” but there is no such option listed.

I browsed through thewebsite and finally found my way to the “Book an Appointment” page which is clearlyburied under a mountain of bits and bytes to prevent anyone from finding it. Ihad to progress through five screens to book an appointment for tomorrow.

At that point, it hadtaken me well over an hour to book an appointment for a transaction which willtake no more than ten minutes when I actually get face to face with a liveperson who has the authority to do what I need.

There is a 50-50 chancethat this person will tell me: “You know, you could have done this through ourTelephone Support Centre.” I am not at all confident that I will be able tosummon the restraint not to punch him or her in the face at that point.

Long story short, I mayneed bail money. So please answer the phone if I call you.

~  Now Available Onlinefrom Amazon, Chapters Indigo or Barnes & Noble: Hunting Muskie, Rites ofPassage – Stories by Michael Robert Dyet

~ Michael Robert Dyet is alsothe author of Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel whichwas a double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’swebsite at www.mdyetmetaphor.com .

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