This is NOT my home

One month ago, our family boarded a flight to Turkey. It’s a flight that we’ve taken more times than I can count over the past twenty years. Turkey has been our home for most of that time. But, two years ago, we transitioned our family back to the United States. Now, as our time here comes to a close and we return to our “passport country,” we are all once again dealing with the tearing that happens when you live with a foot in two different worlds.

We had a last dinner tonight with the pastors that we installed to lead the church that we planted 14 years ago. They are not just our replacements, they are our partners, our friends, our family. For many years we worked side by side. Now, we live with an ocean between us as we continue to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. It’s bittersweet. The goodbyes always come with tears and the pain of being separated again. I get tired of the disappointment and I get tired of watching my kids cry because they’ve had to say goodbye more times in their short lives than most people in a lifetime. It’s uncomfortable and if I’m honest, it wears on me.

You know what? Maybe that’s a good thing.

We need to be disappointed with this world, not infatuated with it. It can be alluring and enticing, but it is actually full of pain and suffering. Our disappointment, coupled with the Holy Spirit’s revelation and grace, will drive us to long for our true home. It will keep us from losing sight of who we truly are, citizens of the Kingdom of God and it’s ambassadors, and help us to stay focused on the fact that this rock is not our home.

Before our daughter passed away, I would have told you I longed for Jesus’ return, but it would not have been the truth. I was looking more to my future on this planet than I was to eternity with my Savior. I was thinking about my retirement and financial security. I was looking to the longevity of the ministry and the legacy I would leave behind. I was thinking about those grand-babies and what they would grow up to become. I was looking to live out the remainder of my life with Michelle in comfort, peace, and purpose. I’m guessing our plans were not much different from anyone else’s when it comes to thinking about the future.

Yet, as I sat considering what we had lost in the days following our daughter’s home-going, and our subsequent transition back to the states, I found none of those things had a hold on me any longer. I am longing for my home and the comforting arms of my Heavenly Father.

Don’t get me wrong, I will thoroughly enjoy walking my youngest daughter down the aisle when she finds that young man God has placed in front of her, and I will be “over the moon” with joy when I hold that first grand-baby and any others who follow. Michelle and I will continue to enjoy all the ministry, travels, and life God puts before us, but none of that will ever have a “hold” on me again. Every day I will pray for Him to come, and I will look to the heavens with hopeful expectation today might be that day.

I long for those “walks in the garden in the cool of the day.” I am near tears when I think of my Savior revealing the mysteries of His creation to me as I sit at His feet.

I love how C.S. Lewis describes it in the last chapter of his last book in the Chronicles of Narnia:

“And as He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read:  which goes on forever:  in which every chapter is better than the one before.”[i]

While the Chronicles of Narnia is a work of fiction, C.S. Lewis’ words, I believe, were meant to mirror another work that is NOT fiction, written by John the Beloved but revealed by our heavenly Father,

“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.’ And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’” (Revelation 21:3-4 ESV)

My heart yearns for the other side of eternity. It’s my home and I cannot wait to be there. My disappointment and grief brought me to this place of hope. They could have delivered me to a darker place, a place devoid of light, joy, and peace, but instead of becoming lost in the darkness, my pain and disappointment has led me toward the light. I allowed my Savior to put me on a new path. I stopped resisting and I surrendered to His will and to His presence.

Our journey is not done. Remember C.S. Lewis said, this has “only been the cover and the title page.” Michelle and I are still a work in progress. Our marriage is not perfect because we are not perfect. Our children are not perfect, and our lives are far from it. We are living from valley to valley and from glory to glory – because this is not our home, and it never will be. Every chapter will be better than the one before. Our story this side of eternity is still being written.

Peace.

[i] Lewis, C.S. The Last Battle. New York, New York: HarperCollins, 1956.