Please forgive me, but…

I’m not one for moaning or complaining about what life has dealt me. And, I do understand, in all our lives there comes a time when we feel the need to complain about something that’s affecting our lives in a negative way. But… for most of us, there are things within our power we can do to change our situation from the negative to a positive, if we are willing to try, or maybe reach-out for a slight leg up, or even listening to others for guidance.

There was a time in my own life where I kept quiet and had the stiff-upper-lip attitude, we British were once famous for. We were told not to put our private life on show. To never hang your dirty washing out for others to see. What went on behind close door was to be resolved by those who were involved, and no one else. With this in mind, when my first marriage was breaking down, I went for counselling. Not that it did any good, because my then-husband wouldn’t join me. It needed us both to solve the issues, we were having.

I told the counsellor that I felt my problems weren’t that important in the scheme of things. That there were others who’s issues were far bigger. The counsellor’s reply was, ‘If it is making you unhappy, than it’s important to you.’

There’s a saying, if you’re banging your head against a brick wall, and it’s hurting no one, but you, then the best option is to stop, and find another way of resolving your problem.

Well, I did just that. I stopped beating myself up about my dying marriage, and walked away. It was a tough decision, but if other women found the strength to walk, then why not me, too. Of course, I had no money of my own, and no job. So I started looking in the local newspapers. From then on, step by step I did what I had to do. No whinging or moaning about it. I just got on with it.

I’m not going to give you a blow by blow account here apart from saying I waited until my son started school before stepping away from my marriage. I found myself a full-time job which would have been difficult if I had more children. It was a struggled on low wage as I had to pay off a loan on a car, pay for child-minding, plus household bills. Then a problem arose about me taking on the mortgage by myself, but I fought for the right to continue. At the end of each month I panicked, as long as I had a penny left in the bank, I knew I could make it through the next month. Of course, there wasn’t any luxuries or treats for my son and I, but we were lucky in many ways.

I’ve always been aware that whinging and moaning doesn’t get you any where. It’s just wasted energy, and, in fact, you can quickly turn people off. Of course, there are times when you must complain, or if you’re upset by something that has been unfair. Then it becomes a question of putting your complaints into words in a orderly fashion, speaking concisely to the right people to sort the situation out. This might take time, but you want to keep others on your side, so it’s wise not to whine in a petulant way.

Whinging character that resolves his problem.

There are many characters in books, movies and on the television who we laugh at or make fun of because they are whinging in a pitiful voice. These characters are seen as rather annoying and not helpful to others. They tend to whine about the same old thing like a stuck record, without any resolve. No matter how much others try to help them, nothing anyone can say or do will ever satisfy them. It’s as though they take pleasure in being unhappy in their situation. But, if the whinging character becomes open to change and is willing to listen, they can adapt just like the tin man, the scarecrow and the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz.

At this time of year as we all stop to count our blessings and think about those less fortunate than ourselves, we should take stock and notice that our glasses are in fact half full. In Ukraine people are struggling without power while Russia still wages a war against them. In Britain we are still dealing with rising prices, homelessness, etc. and other things way beyond the control of one person.

I’m not an expert and don’t have all the answers, but there are certain situations where we can help ourselves, and whinging isn’t a quick fix.

What’s need is a game plan: Come up with as many ideas as you can of ways you could help yourself and write them down. It doesn’t matter how crazy the ideas maybe as you work back through the list, you can cross off things like robbing the bank as being impractical. I was on my own, but you might be lucky to have someone you can work with to solve your issues.

If you need someone to talk then get in contact with the like of Citizens Advice Bureau, or Samaritans. These people will have contact details to help you take the next step in resolving your issues. You could try Googling your problem, and find a self-help group where you can chat with others who have been in the same situation as yourself.

Of course, when I made my decision to walk away, there was no internet, and I felt very much alone. For me, there was the library and I read quite a few self-help books on the subject I needed like finding a solicitor, etc. It must be remembered, in this day and age local resource are stretched to their limits as more and more people are demanding help, so the more we are able to help ourselves through these difficult times, the quicker we can resolve our own problems.

I can sit here today, and tell you, I made it through my darkest hours by pulling myself back from the brink, because my son needed me. Of course, I’m not the same person I was thirty-two years ago, I’m now stronger, wiser and much happier. Like everyone, I still worry for my future, and my son’s, too.

Stay strong and keep believing.