Pleasing Picky Bitches by Leia Shaw

As an author I pay very close attention to what fans of my genre (paranormal romance) want in a book. The hero is easy  – masculine, well-built and well-hung, alpha to the core, but can still be brought to his knees by the love of his life. Give him a few poetic lines and bulging biceps and you have a swoon-worthy hero.

But when it comes to heroines, we are picky bitches.  Our dislike/jealousy/hatred of each other in real life translates straight to our reading. Let me explain what I mean.

Look at any field saturated by women – nursing, teaching, administration, etc. These are fields with high employee dissatisfaction. That's because of the drama women cause! Why? Because we feel threatened by other women. We are an oversensitive, catty, gossipy, vengeful species. And that's when we're not on our period.

Now I knew this, having worked in the childcare field, before I started writing. But what surprised me is how we treat characters in books the same way. If the heroine doesn't fit our standards to a T, it ruins the whole story. There's no redemption, no forgiveness, the writer should be tarred and feathered and her hands should be cut off so she can never write again.

Obviously I'm making some pretty big general statements here and I'm sure every one of you reading this is the exception to the rule just as I'm sure Johnny Depp will recognize me as his one true mate and take me to his chateau in France where we'll  live happily ever after.  So no need to defend yourselves in the comments.

Anyway, I've been studying what we picky bitches want in a heroine. Here's the list as I understand it right now (which is subject to change anytime because, well, we're picky bitches):

Kick-ass when it's time to kick-ass and never before or after, but also with a vulnerable side when the hero is near (or her pet dog).

Perfect, but with some flaws, but not too many flaws and only certain ones (like, she loves her pet dog too much.) The reverse is also true – imperfect but with no flaws.

She can't be a doormat but she also can't be too independent.

Pretty and skinny but also a "real girl with curves."

Too cute is out. Too smart is out. Too sarcastic is out. Blonde is definitely out.  Don't even get me started on mental disorders. The only disability that's acceptable is dyslexia, but she has to overcome it 70% on her own, 20% with the help of the hero and 10% because of her pet dog (who she loves too much).

If she makes a bad decision, she's too stupid to live.

She can't cry too much or she's whiny.

She can't get angry or she's throwing a tantrum.

She can't ask for what she wants or she's bossy.

She can't try to get what she wants or she's manipulative.

She can't change her mind or she's wishy-washy.

God forbid she tells a lie. She should burn in hell.

She shouldn't have a religious preference, a sexual orientation, a race, or an aversion to Brazilian waxing (every hero wants a smooth lady).

Got all that? Am I making sense? If the answer is no, then you get it. Good job.

If you've been nodding along and agree with every criteria, then I speak on behalf of every writer out there when I say, we hate you.

Hopefully this blog post has been educational, or at the very least, a waste of two minutes. To the readers and reviewers out there, give us a break. More importantly, give yourselves a break.

To all my fellow authors and aspiring writers who are so dear to my heart…

…good freakin' luck.

Filed under: romance