This Is Why We Don't Have A Reality Show

Experts who claim the key ingredient to a healthy marriage is "mutual respect" or "open communication" or "meeting one another's emotional needs" are all wrong. I mean, sure, those ingredients are important, but no more so than a mutually agreed-upon toilet seat status. In our house, the lid stays closed. Period. This arrangement is largely because a closed lid keeps the dogs from helping themselves to a drink. Of course, Maisy has figured out a work-around, but that's not the point. The point is that I'm all for Fletch sharing his feeeeelings, but the minute I take an unintended late night swim, his ability to express himself will be neatly eclipsed by his ability to quickly run away from me. (Actually, having separate bathrooms will exponentially increase your odds of making it as a couple.) (Move if you must.) (You'll thank me on your Golden Anniversary.) Regardless, if I had to highlight one factor that keeps us together, it would be Google. For example, last week we were in the car on the way to the city and we started to squabble over whether or not "ear cancer" was a real malady. But instead of arguing about whether or not it could exist for the next hour while we navigated rush hour traffic, I looked it up, found the answer, and we quickly moved on conversationally… largely because I was right. Ear cancer is TOTALLY a real thing. Which brings us to last night. Earlier in the day, Fletch scanned...