“It’s like being in Hawaii. That’s the feeling. There’s no...

“It’s like being in Hawaii. That’s the feeling. There’s no pressure, and you never want to leave. You want to stay right there and relax. You want that temporary feeling forever. But it goes away, and the pressure always comes back. Life is pressure: job interviews, things you’ve got to do, every day, getting up. It makes you want to go back to that place. I’ve been out here eight years. When I see people go by, I hear different things. People quoting and phrasing what their life is—I only get bits and pieces: ‘We’re going to the movies. We’re getting married. We’re going to Santa Cruz.’ Stuff like that. I can hear it. I know that life is out there; but you have to earn it. Determination and willpower, that’s what I need. There’s a seed in me that wants to stop. There are days I don’t want to get high. I love life. I love life, and I’m gifted. I’m gifted with age. I just turned fifty, and I think there’s more to come. I have the desire to keep going. Sometimes I think, without the drugs– what am I going to do? That voice is there too. But I have to get rid of that. Because there’s a life out there. There’s a lot more than just getting high.”