Pointless Dinner Table Conversations, part 1

“Dad, how do I know you’re not a robot?”

“Robots don’t cry in sad movies. The Turing Test says that robots can’t match people in emotional intelligence.”

“But you don’t cry in sad movies…”

“That’s because I’m a man, son, not a robot. Listen, you ever heard of the saying, ‘If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck?’

“It could be a robot duck, programmed to act like a real duck. You could be a robot father…”

“Look mate, Descartes said, I think therefore I am. I think it’s time you ate those peas.”

“Yeah but dad, how do I know that? I know I think. Maybe you just compute. Or maybe you’re an illusion. Or a computer simulation. Or…”

“Maybe. Know what Descartes’ wife said?”

“No. What?”

“He pays the bills therefore he is.”

“Is what?”

“Not completely useless, anyway.”

WTF is this? Well, I’m trying to distill selected philosophical ideas into a form suitable for our local newsletter, which goes out to farmers, retired hippies and such like. Why? I don’t know really. But it’s an interesting exercise. For instance, after years of thinking, ‘oh yeah, I know what the Turing Test is,’ I realised – I don’t know. So I looked it up and turns out it’s crap. Sorry Alan, but there’s no way to tell if your boyfriend is a robot. Long story short, if he holds your hand and is good in bed, don’t worry about it. ‘You think I am therefore I am’ is a more practical solution to the problem.

Am I wrong? IS there a way to tell?