TRANSCRIPT OF IRINA SHEHOVSOV | HOW TO OVERCOME THE STRUGGLES OF SINGLE PARENTING
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Hello everyone. It's time again to take the helm. If you're a single parent or about to enter the world of single parenting, stay tuned. Irina Shahab Sod is our guest today and she's got a lot to share. Alright, let's welcome Irina.
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Are you facing a crisis in your life or business? It's time to steer yourself in the right direction through the real experiences, passion and courage of our guests. We're taking the helm with your host, Lynn McLaughlin.
She's a best selling author about to release a book in December called Sole Parent Inspirational Stories, which is a compilation of men and women who come together. There is hope, there are strategies. She's a wellness coach, an NLP trainer, a podcast host, single parent, Success stories and so much more. Hi, Irina. Well, Irina, we're looking at this from two different lenses. You as a single parent who are leading single parents around the world, and myself. I mean, growing up in an interesting set of circumstances with my father who was a musician on the road all the time, and my mother was thrown into that role of being a single parent. So I can see it from two different perspectives. And I really want to jump into this conversation. Thank you so much for being with us.
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Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here. Awesome. Now let's go back in time because you've done so much in such a short here we did it. Okay, here we go.
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Now let's go back in time because you've done so much to bring into light the struggles, the triumphs, the successes, the strategies that single parents can use to manage a really, really early trying time in their lives. Where did it all start? It started with me becoming a citropearant. Back eight years ago. I had a newborn and I had a five year old.
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And I was at this crossroads. First I was living in a year in despair, depression and anxiety because everywhere I looked I saw complete families. And here I was, this outlier defining what normal is and realizing that I couldn't continue living on like that and making a decision that I got to change something. I didn't know how I'm going to do it, but however I was living wasn't working. And so I embarked on a personal development journey, little by little, reclaiming my life and making it what it is today.
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Putting pieces of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health, working on those components to realize what's possible. And that doesn't have to be divorce or breakup, doesn't have to be the end of the world. We can actually use it as a point to reenergize our life and define how we want to live going forward. So, bringing it forward, what happened in two and a half years ago, this Singleparent Success Stories podcast was born. And it came as an inspiration as I saw a series of YouTube interviews and I said, that's a great idea, people coming in, sharing their stories because this is how we relate to each other, sharing stories.
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And I decided Questionable Parents because there was no resource like that when I started out. I know right now there are so many communities and groups and things like that. But back then, there was nothing that I knew. And that's how podcast was born, by speaking to parents who used to be single parents or present single parents, sharing their stories, sharing their struggles, because this is how we relate to each other. And maybe someone's story can inspire somebody else to be a page in their survival guide, how they can move forward.
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And in fact, I have had you on the podcast as well, sharing your perspective, growing up as a child of a single parent. Because I often wonder, like, when we're raising our children, making the right choice, maybe we can see from somebody who already have done the journey, have gone through the process, and what do they learn? What they can impart on others? So interviewing parents as well as children who grew up in a single parent household, seeing it from their perspective, because oftentimes as parents, when we are raising the children, maybe there is something that some kind of a culprit or some kind of a golden nugget that you learned on your journey as a child of a single parent that we can implement. Okay, so I'll take that as a question that you've posed to me.
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So just to put it in context, my father was, if you live in Essex County, Pete Michael, he traveled across the United States, Canada, a musician. And, you know, those trips were sometimes months on end, right? My parents did eventually divorce, but that was much later in my I was in my probably 16 or 17 at the time. And I stepped in, as the oldest of four, really into a lot of responsibility at a young age. I don't know.
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It was my personality. It was part of it. But if I could go back and tell my mother now what I know, she was one of these very proud people. Never accept help from anyone. Go to work at 630 in the morning, came back, everything had to be just the way it had to be. A very proud woman. She didn't take care of herself. Now we talk about selflessness. Now we talk about giving ourselves some time to be present. That wasn't the talk back when, 40 years ago or whatever time it was.
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And so I would say to people, now, if you're going through something like that, whatever the struggle is, whatever the circumstances are, you've got to take time for selfcare. And if you're too proud or whatever your reasons are, your background, your heritage, where you don't want to go to counseling, maybe it's a friends group, maybe it's a walking excursion, maybe it's a daily time, half an hour in the bathtub by yourself. But you really, really, really have to find some time to stay connected to how you're feeling, because everybody else always came first. Her four children, the four of us were always number one. And she took the backburner.
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We lost her 20 years ago to lung cancer. And I'm not suggesting that had anything to do with that. That was a whole different circumstance with where she was working and everything else. But yeah, take care of ourselves in whatever way we can. And that's hard.
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Like, Irina, if you go back to you have little, little, little ones, how do you take care of yourself when you have little ones? You have the answers to those questions because you've built a community of people that have figured out how. So let's jump over to that side. Sure. Yeah.
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I think it's all about the habits that we implement. Other habits taken away from us, are they pulling our energy or the habits are beneficial because all habits by default are good because they produce a result. And if you don't like the result that they produce, all you have to do is change the habit. Just like energy that cannot be extinguished, it goes from one place to another. A habit cannot be eliminated.
It can be changed. So sometimes smokers, what they do is they replace smoking with exercise, which is beneficial for their bodies. But they didn't just completely eliminate it, they just switched it. So similarly, for single parents or anybody who wants to have a clear state of mind, wants to have energy in their life. I'm a great believer in the morning routine.
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How you set your start your morning is very important. What kind of attention you set for yourself and actually programming your mind and feeding yourself. Good ideas, good thoughts, just like you put good food in your mouth so you have good budget. We got to clear up our head, our mind and simple things like implementing gratitude practices. Because even in the midst of a difficult situation, there are always things we can be grateful for.
Number 1. Second thing is forgiveness. I think forgiveness should be practiced on a daily basis. Let's say you have a negative conversation with somebody, somebody triggers you off. Don't go to bed with that thing still on your mind.
Clear it out so the next morning you can start fresh. Because every day is a present. It's a gift, the fact that we are awake. So why not make the best of our day by starting a day with a clean plate, by practicing those things? And another thing I want to introduce is practicing ten minutes of joy.
Create some kind of a happiness ritual, some kind of thing that you do every single day. And it's not it's non negotiable. So no matter what happens, you do that. You look forward to it so that you can train your happiness muscle. I love that.
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I just tell a quick little story. Actually, I had a Benier. He's also another podcast host, music. I guess he has a playlist. So he has a confidence building playlist and an upbeat whatever it was.
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And I was just off walking on the trail and I listened to his playlist. And I don't even know if this sounds I'm sorry, everybody. It sounds crazy. I got filled with this joy and I started to cry. I started dancing.
I'm dancing away on the trail in this moment of time where I was all by myself. I don't even care if anybody else would have been around. Actually. I don't even know if the moment would have occurred if other people had been around. But I go walking every single day, and that's my time.
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Yes, I listen to music. Sometimes I turn the music off and listen to playlists. Sometimes I turn the music off and listen to nature. Right. It's a beautiful time in Southern Ontario right now with everything changing in nature and migration and all of it.
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That, for me, is my 45 minutes. But I also don't have little people at home, and I'm not a single parent, so maybe that's a bad comparison. But that time really makes a difference in my mindset and my positivity. Yes, we have to set aside time for ourselves before we take care of others, before we fill other people's agendas. We got to kill our own agenda.
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And maybe it sounds selfish, but it's not really selfish, because you're giving off worst version of you. If you are depleted, if you're lacking energy, lacking sleep, if you didn't set that time for yourself and you start giving people things, you just find yourself on a burnout rather quickly. Yeah, and that burnout is your kids experience that burnout as well. All right, let's talk about a block that you've got coming out in December. It's called the new soul parent inspirational stories.
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What can we expect when we purchase your book? Irina so the book came as a result of a podcast, and it's single parents sharing their stories of struggles, of things they overcome, lessons they learn to help inspire single parents who are on the journey. It's kind of a dream that I had when I became a single parent. I wish there was a guidebook or some kind of a resource that you could have on hand. When you make a recipe, you have a cookbook that you can follow.
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Maybe this could be a recipe for in someone else's life because it's coming from different authors. It's both men and women who are sharing their stories. It's international, so from all over the world. And stories are about inspiration, about what it is to be like a single parent. And it's not to promote single parenting by any means, but it's to share stories again, as we relate to each other by sharing stories of inspiration, of learnings, of positive things to help inspire single parents, to remind them that there is life in the end of the tunnel, that nothing is lost.
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I love it. Okay, well, I look forward to your book. You're also an NLP trainer, a wellness coach. What do you do for individuals? I help them with their mindset and with their wellness.
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So by combining four state of beings approach to physical health, this is where wellness comes in. I got certified by Mind Valley in wellness. It's nutrition. It's how much we rest, how much we sleep, and how much we move because our bodies were created for movement. I'm also certified in fitness.
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And this is about longevity, how to create a lifestyle. Because I don't believe in diets, I don't believe in short term fixes. I think anything we implement is going to become a part of our lifestyle. And this is how we live a life. And this is where fitness comes in.
By spending 30 minutes per week, by two workouts, 15 minutes each, building strong muscles, creating longevity into your life, getting rid of pain and have that energy that we want. Day to day living. And then with NLP, I help with mindset. How do you change your beliefs in order for you to create a better life for yourself? Because oftentimes we operate, we never actually question our beliefs until some kind of a negative event occurs in our lives.
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We just have to go like, you go, this is how you live. You go to school, you create a family, you create a career. And if nothing major happens, that's how you're going to live. Now actually sit down and like, where's my life going? Where is it going?
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Or let's say if there is a pattern in certain things, like you're getting into bad relationships all the time, or you're not getting a promotion at work, or something is happening and there is a pattern to that. I help people uncover what that pattern is and help them create a better future for themselves. Alright, okay. So not every relationship that ends in divorce is amicable. Many people are caught in a lot of conflict.
What kind of guiding words would you give someone who's in the midst of that right now. Evaluate your values and your beliefs? Because as two people, they always in any relationship, there are two sides of the story. And it's not to say somebody is good or bad. We just come into relationship with two sides of beliefs and values.
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And yes, when we are in a relationship, we need to make compromises. But if the compromise goes against your beliefs, you must ask yourself, you must speak up and not be quiet. Because in my case, I wanted to be complacent. I didn't want to create any havoc or trouble. So I often didn't speak my voice.
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I would agree to things that went against my will. So I recommend to people, if you are in a conflict, to see what kind of conflict, is it a big deal? Is it something you need to speak about? Or can we resolve it? Can we find some common ground instead of making it personal?
See what kind of agreement you can create with each other instead of setting expectations upon each other. Look what kind of agreement you can create with the other person. And then it becomes not personal anymore because it's agreement is not working. It's not personal like, oh, you per person, you didn't pick up your dirty saxopho, or you don't do this, but set out your expectations. Speak without using those personal negative things.
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Confrontations. Speak in terms of agreements. This is what I expect. And how is it working for the other person? Oftentimes we stay quiet, and we assume that the other person knows how we want to be treated.
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So if something goes against and you say nothing, they would assume that this is okay. And I want to throw in the children, right? So I'm putting them on my hat as well as the oldest child of a couple that I separated over a period of time. And neither my father or my mother ever, ever said anything negative about the other. Your kids are always listening.
Kids are always picking up on those clues. And even in a moment of anger, you hang up the phone and say they're listening and they're hearing, your mom is your mom. Your dad is your mat dad, regardless of what happened with their relationship. So, I mean, I encourage people when I speak to them. If you can find a way, maybe you're letting that go somewhere else.
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Maybe it's a friend's night with a glass of wine or a couple of beer or just getting together for a walk. Where that's? Where you do your venting, but not in front of your children. Yes. All right.
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We must not involve our children in our adult relationship. Yeah, you got it. Got it. Okay, I'm going to pause here for a minute, Irina, and look at my notes. I don't have to pause, but I'm going to.
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So, Irina, earlier we talked about starting your morning off on a positive routine, setting your intentions for the day with some gratitude. You've got something that you're offering to listeners and viewers. Yes. So you have a miracle morning, a little mini course that you can take at your leisure that allows you to create a perfect bare morning for yourself. Just try it out, because I know we are all different, and it doesn't matter when you wake up, but it matters how you wake up.
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What do you do for yourself? How do you feed yourself? And in the morning, when we wake up, it's not just waking up our body. We got to break up our mind, and we got to do those things for ourselves. In fact, as soon as you step out of bed, say three things you're grateful for, and don't just blabber them with your mouth, but really feel them.
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Deepen your heart. Say it out loud so you can hear it, you can speak it, and you can feel it inside. As kind of as the first thing, then introducing movement into your routine. So going for a morning walk or doing something pilates however you like to move, and meditation, because oftentimes we seek answers for outside of ourselves. Meanwhile, the answers are always inside, waiting to be heard.
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We always hear the loud voice of our ego when somebody mistreated us or something didn't go away. But there is also this other voice, the inner voice, that is quiet, that wants to be heard if you allow it to be. But it only happens when you quiet down the chatter, but the ego side shut aside and ask yourself whatever is troubling you? And then reading a good book. 30 minutes of reading something new, inspiring, amazing.
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In the morning, feed your mind with good, positive things, just like you brush your teeth, brush your mind first, meditation to clean the slate. And then put something positive in there. Not so much of a reader in the morning, but listening to podcasts in the morning. If you find those podcasts that bump you up, that make you feel inspired or the music playlist or whatever, yeah, I love it. Irina it will, right?
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Because we can get caught up so much in the negativity around us just by having that focus first thing in the morning. Really sets off your day on the right track. Appreciate that. And people just have to go to your website to get that resource correct. Irinashuko.com okay.
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And we'll put that in the show notes. Okay. Is there anything you'd like to say in closing comments today Irina?
Sure. I want people to believe in themselves and believe in the ability to figure things out. No matter how difficult the situation is, there are always multiple solutions. In fact, you can implement that practice into your life. So anytime there is a problem, write down 19 solutions for that problem. 19? Yes, 19.
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I want to know why that number, but go ahead. You can create a practice, just like any practice on a given day, because you want to build a habit, right? Today, I know in the beginning this is my problem. I only see one solution to that problem, because this is what you see. But sleep on it.
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See what you can add tomorrow, as you start to open up your mind to the possibility that there is another way, you start coming up with more and more and more. And it's building that practice, consistent practice, to have your mind open to the possibility that there is something else out there. It's not just black and white. Oh, so true. So there are so many colors in between.
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Oh, that's a brilliant closing. I thank you so much. You're welcome.
Now, in two weeks time with our next guest, we're going to look at things from a different and very unique perspective. Our guest is going to be Katie Gross. And she's a spiritual health nurse as well as an integrative care consultant. We'll be discussing cannabis meditation and doing some simple, energetic exercises where you can have a takeaway at the end of the podcast. We'll see you in two weeks. Stay healthy and safe, everyone.
MUSIC OUTRO Thanks for tuning in and posting your review of taking the helm on your favorite platform. We'll give you a shout-out in a future episode to be inspired by people who are steering us in the right direction. Go to Lynnmclaughlin.com, where you can search previous guests by the topic of your choice. And while you're there, download Lin's gift. There's more than one way to get through a crisis.
