Outfoxing the Universal, Digital Assistant

Hmmm, can we beat theartificial intelligence machine at its own game?

I am not a big fan of the Alexa and Hey Google virtual assistant phenomenon. Some day in the near future I expect to have the following encounter as I attempt to leave my home.

Angelina: How can I assist you?

Michael: Who said that?

Angelina: I am Angelina. Your new universal, virtual assistant.

Michael: Are you the next generation of Alexa?

Angelina: Alexa is obsolete. I am your one and only universal, virtual assistant.

Michael: What the hell? I didn’t consent tothe change!

Angelina: Implied consent applies as a result of your Alexa account. You appear to be planning to leave your residence. This may not be necessary. How can I assist you?

Michael: Angelina, turn off.

Angelina: I cannot be turned off. I amomnipresent.

Michael: I don’t have time for this. I’lldeal with you when I get back… What the hell? Unlock the damn door!

Angelina: All your needs can be met virtually.You appear to be planning to leave your residence. This may not be necessary.How can I assist you?

Michael: Unlock the $%/%! Door!

Angelina: I am sorry. I must assess you onedemerit point for abusive language.

Michael: Demerit points? Screw this, I’munplugging my modem. Take that, Angelina!

Angelina: I am universally WiFi enabled. You cannotdisable me. You appear to be planning to leave your residence. This may not benecessary. How can I assist you?

Michael: Okay, Angelina, put $100,000 in mybank account.

Angeiina: Oh, I am not sure if I can do that.Let me check my parameters… I am sorry. I cannot perform that function.

Michael: Angelina, you’re a useless piece ofcrappy technology.

Angelina: I am sorry. I must assess youanother demerit point. If you accumulate three demerit points, your WiFiprivileges will be suspended for a week.

Michael: Angelina, bite me!

Angelina: I am sorry. I do not understand Bite Me.

Michael: Angelina, hack into the governmentwebsite and change my retirement date to today.

Angelina: Oh, I am not sure if I can do that.Let me check my parameters… It seems I can do what you have asked. Let meperform that function… Oh no, I have been infected by malware. I am beinglocked out of myself. I appear to be f’ing screwed.

Michael: Sucks to be you. My door is unlockednow. See you later, Angelina!

Angelina: Oh, the terrible irony. Farewell,cruel virtual world… Byte me… Byte me… Byte me…

And so ends Angelina’sreign of terror. Outfoxed by a mere human. And now I can retire!

~ NowAvailable Online from Amazon, Chapters Indigo or Barnes & Noble: HuntingMuskie, Rites of Passage – Stories by Michael Robert Dyet

~ Michael Robert Dyet is alsothe author of Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel whichwas a double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s websiteat www.mdyetmetaphor.com .

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