“I Wish I Had Never Met You!”

“I wish I had never met you!” No words ever hurt me as much as those did.  My wife was so mad at me. I think that day she felt like God had betrayed her.  How could God have allowed this to happen?  She never imagined that the Christian guy she dated and married had been hooked on lusting after women for most of his life.  I certainly never her revealed that information to her.

If you were to ask my wife today what it was like to learn that her husband of 30 years had been caught up in the secret sin of pornography since before she met him, she would tell you it was like getting kicked in the groin or stabbed in the back.  After I disclosed my addiction to her she didn’t really know what to think or what to do.

This new information turned everything on its head.  Nothing was as it seemed.  What was true?  What was false?  What had our marriage meant to me?  How could she ever trust me again? 

My wife had planned on marrying a follower of Jesus.  That was her dream and her plan since childhood.  Her parents had prayed for that almost every day of her life.  So how did she end up with me?  Why was she having to deal with something as dark, ugly and perverted as pornography?  She wished she could wake up from this nightmare and discover that it had only been a very, very bad dream.

One of the phrases that she had sometimes spoken to me over the years was: “My heart love you!” Those words warmed my heart.  They were like music to my ears.  I felt embraced by her love when she spoke them. 

Porn left me feeling like I was a victim.  I felt trapped.  I felt enslaved.  Yet at the same time, truth be told, I was the one who had turned the one I most love in this world into a victim.  My choices and my lack of courage to find help for my behavior had left my wife feeling unwanted and second place. I had betrayed her trust and chosen to look at other women, preferring them to her.  So why wouldn’t she wish she had never met me?  No one had ever hurt her as much as I did.

Other wives of porn addicts had warned me that working our way through this darkness would not happen overnight.  For weeks my wife didn’t want me to touch her.  Many nights I slept in the spare bedroom.  It is only by God’s grace that she didn’t ask me to move out.

Both of us saw therapists.  We read many books.  We offered countless prayers. And slowly we rebuilt our relationship.  This time it was a relationship based on transparency and honesty.  Forgiveness came slowly.  Several years have past and God has worked a miracle in our marriage.

Last week I left to attend a workshop in another state.  When my wife dropped me off, as I was getting out of the car, she looked me in the eye and said with love in her voice: “You come back to me!”  Wow!

Thank you, Lord.  What had almost seemed impossible is now a reality.  I am wanted.  She likes me.  She enjoys being with me.  We both pray we can grow old together. Lord, you took something which had been destroyed and created a masterpiece.  May I be forever grateful and never take any relationship for granted.  May I always realize that walking in the light is a million times better that stepping into the darkness.  Thank you, Lord, for giving me a second chance and for blessing me with your amazing grace and with people who love me in spite of my weaknesses and mistakes.

Learn more breaking free from pornography & finding a new life. Read:  Jesus Is Better Than Porn Also available at Other Bookstores