You Had Lost Your Smile
For three decades I hid my sin. I was too ashamed and afraid to tell anyone that when no one was watching, I would sneak a peek at porn. My wife had no idea. I remember one day after we had gotten dial-up internet that she happened to see pictures of naked women on my computer screen. I immediately said that I did not know how that had popped up there. Since she trusted me completely she believed my lie.
We met at a Bible college. I was there studying theology preparing to become a missionary. She was a pastor’s daughter and both of us had grown up going to church every time the doors were open. She assumed she knew what kind of man she was getting. I told her she was my one and only. Why should she think otherwise?
When I was a teenager I would lust after pictures in the swimsuit issue of a sports magazine. Back then, sometimes I could thumb through a men’s magazine from the top rack of magazines at a convenience store or a used book store. But when the internet came along I was able to find fodder to feed my compulsive desire much more readily.
Yesterday, while my wife and I were eating lunch, I told her that I had read about a recent study which found that kids in kindergarten laugh 300 times a day, compared to adults, who laugh just 17 times a day. And I told her that one of her virtues is that she is a happy person who likes to laugh. I commented that she laughs more often than I do. Then she replied: “Yes, and you had practically quit laughing and smiling altogether when you were caught up in your addiction to porn.”
When I began my recovery from porn addiction I learned about the term “gaslighting”. By lying to her about my addiction I was keeping her in the dark and hiding the truth. I was creating a false reality for her.
When I finally sat down and disclosed my secret sin to her she was devastated. She never imagined that I could do something like that. Yet learning the truth also helped her begin to put the pieces together. Amazingly, she was more aware of part of the truth than I was. She perceived that I was not the same person I had been. I had lost my smile. I was not the cheerful man I used to be. I was not much fun to be around. My sour spirit was contaminating our marriage and our family.
What compelled me to look at porn? It was exciting, titillating, thrilling, etc. Porn promised a good time and kept me coming back for more at almost every opportunity.
Yet in reality porn never fulfilled it’s promises. It filled my eyes, occupied my brain and sent my heart racing yet left my soul empty. Porn killed my joy. Porn promised me everything I could want but gave me nothing I needed. I suppose all addictions are like this. They promise freedom but bring heartache, captivity and enslavement.
I wish I could tell you that my primary reason for wanting out of porn was to save my marriage or my family or to please God. But more than anything, what drove me to seek help and find a way out was that I was sick and tired of being consumed by that depraved and evil world. While on the one hand my wife knew better than I that my smile was gone, I too finally woke up to the fact that I wanted out of that dark, sad, lonely, perverted place. I just had to escape that dark hole.
I thank God for helping me wake up. I am eternally grateful that he provided me with friends and resources to help me finally break free from the hamster wheel of the cycle of porn. I will forever be grateful to my wife for making the choice to forgive me and for making the effort to help us move forward to a new marriage based on honesty and genuine intimacy. And one of the wonderful serendipities following this path of light has brought me is that today I have my smile back!
I’m smiling right now! Because walking in love is a glorious gift from above!
Learn more about how you can find your smile in my book: Jesus Is Better Than Porn
Also available at Other Bookstores
