Learning to Listen

Photo Credit: Author

the city recently decided to enforce parking in my area, so after three years without issue, i now have to move my car everyday. during the week i throw on a housedress, grab my keys, do the move, come home. real regular. today, though? today i stood outside chatting with my neighbors for almost an hour and the mosquitos

ate.

my.

ass.

up.

and it’s what i deserve. because i distinctly remember an errant thought — or so i thought — to put on some bug repellant i’d randomly made (another story, another time) before leaving out. but why would i? out and immediately back in, right? tuh.

mosquitoes love me; i know this. if there’s one to be found it’s gonna bite me; i know this. me + those things = welts and blisters and allergy meds. i know this. friendly conversation, while great, isn’t worth all that so why did i stay out there? glad you asked —

as much as moving my car is a hassle, it’s allowed me to get to know more people in my area. this little neighborhood is everything. sweet families. quiet but active. everyone looks out for each other but minds their own business. WONDERFUL people. my favorite couple — of course i have one — has an amazing story associated with a well-known incident. while trying to convince Mrs. Favorite to let me document it one day, she told me about a recently passed neighbor who’d lived a very interesting life as well. tonight’s walk to my car afforded me the opportunity to become acquainted with his children. we connected over love of family history and record keeping and exchanged contact info, a major win for my passion project.

but now my arms and legs are braille-like. my prescription meds will put me out of commission for a full day; nothing is getting accomplished tomorrow. all because i didn’t listen to my first mind. gma always said to do so but i’ve always considered myself horrible at it. i don’t know how to trust my gut. what if i’m just paranoid? how would i know the difference??

today, though…i got it. sometimes i just know. a prayer was answered. God, Spirit, Egun, My People, my Gma…somebody, something, some Entity is listening and looking out for me. the deepest, darkest convo i have with myself is about knowing and trusting, or lack thereof. today i got a sign that i can trust me. i got the key to getting out of my own way and unlocking my dreams.

and it’s such a dumb thing.

put on some damn oil — that i wouldn’t normally need because i wouldn’t normally be out there talking for so long. something told me to do it and i fought it.

sometimes all you really need, no matter how much shit you have going on, is to know that you can do it; that someone believes everything is gonna be okay. that there’s a reason to be hopeful. that one day it’ll all make sense. gma used to be the one i’d call when i needed that. i knew what she’d say verbatim, but hearing it made it real.

“Wha’cha stressed fa’? Pray about it! God’ll fix it!”

her words were something i could hold on to and believe in, no matter the circumstance. steady and unchanging. unfortunately i never got around to recording her saying them. i had her, there was no need. until she wasn’t, and there was. so now i’m adjusting to that job. learning to give myself those talks. believing in myself. trusting my own prayers. honing my intuition. my abilities. my path. even when i don’t see clearly, or at all for that matter.

so to bring it all home (pun intended) — had i just listened, put on the damn oil, i wouldn’t be scratching my skin off and anticipating a full day’s hibernation. unknowingly i knew and i talked myself out of it, but it resulted in a lesson, or a few, that i won’t forget.

trust yourself.

you’re being guided.

shit’s gonna work out.

you can do this.

you know what you’re talking about sometimes.

dreams do come true. THINK BIG, B****!

AND PUT ON THE DAMN OIL NEXT TIME!

i know more than i think i do, and i’m learning to be okay with what i don’t.

except the new parking enforcement. i’m never gonna be okay with that annoyance no matter how many great connections i make.

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Learning to Listen was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.