The New Skipper

(I wrote this story about 30 years ago and recently re-discovered it while sorting through some old papers. I made some minor changes and decided that with the dawning of the new baseball season this would be a good time to share it.)

The New Skipper

News Item: June 2
The New York Mets, concerned about their poor 6-30 record, have fired easygoing manager, Ben Gentile. Thousands of irate fans, perhaps a bit more concerned about the team’s dismal showing, rioted outside normally deserted Citi Field, forcing Gentile into hiding. He is now believed to be en route to sanctuary somewhere in the Black Hills of South Dakota.

News item: June 3
The Mets today hired as their new manager, former Army coach, Will Steele. He will replace Ben Gentile, who is reportedly under siege by a mob of persistent fans at his mountain retreat.
New manager Steele stated that “this is a fine ballclub despite its record. I’m sure that with a little discipline we can turn things around.
Steele’s first moves as manager were to ban music from the locker room and to set a 9:00 PM curfew for the players’ wives.

News item: June 4
Met manager Will Steele announced today that he has cut ace pitcher Joe (Knuckles) Grogan from the squad. Grogan, who had 5 of this season’s 6 Met victories, was released for failing to complete the 26 mile post-game run, newly initiated by Steele. Manager Steele said that “any man in such poor physical condition is obviously not an athlete.”
Grogan, incidentally, pitched a no-hitter earlier in the day, only to lose 1-0 on three Met errors in the ninth inning.

News item: June 12
The New York Mets won their 7th game of the season, their first under the leadership of Will Steele. They squeaked by San Diego, 20-19. The Padres (who played without their gloves, which had been stolen before the game) nearly overcame a 20-0 Met lead. Steele credited the victory to his new policy of mandatory crewcuts and clean-shaven faces for all players, claiming that the policy was already building character in his men “San Diego almost came back,” he said, “but we held on. It was a close shave.”

News item: June 28
“These men must learn to take orders. What I say goes!” said Will Steele in response to a report that his players were grumbling about his latest order: “All players must wear their underpants inside out until the Mets win the pennant.”
“This time he’s gone too far. I can’t possibly follow that rule,” complained outfielder Ed (Fat) Chance. “I don’t wear underpants.”

News item: July 3
The Mets today were bopped by the Braves, 18-2, for their
15th straight loss. Will Steele declared after the game that the Mets will start winning soon. “I’m really going to start getting tough on them now,” he promised.

News item: July 4
The Mets lost to the Cubs today, 3-2, on a 9th inning error by second baseman Bob (Claws) Castro.
Under Will Steele’s new “get tough” policy, Castro was executed by firing squad after the game.

News item: July 6
The New York Mets players have revolted against their manager. Enraged by Will Steele’s “inhuman” treatment, they have refused to play for the man. The incident that touched off the revolt was the human sacrifice of third baseman, Bob Backhand. “I don’t understand what’s the problem,“ said the manager. “Backhand was expendable and we have to satisfy the baseball gods somehow.”

News item: July 7
The Mets have fired beleaguered manager, Will Steele. According to club officials, Steele “seems to have lost the ability to communicate with his players.”
When informed that he was fired, Steele refused to leave.

Bulletin:
Fired Met Manager, Will Steele, has barricaded himself in his office, threatening to “blow the head off” any person who comes to get him.

Bulletin:
After a two and a half hour tension-filled stand, Will Steele has surrendered to a police S.W.A.T. team which was able to break down the door to the manager’s office and carry him out.

News item: July 10:
A bitter Will Steele, former manager of the New York Mets, denounced the club for firing him, calling them a “horsebleep organization that doesn’t know spit about baseball.” Steele insisted that, if given time, he would have turned the team into a winner.
When asked about the absurd firing of his star pitcher, two murdered players and the refusal of the rest of the team to play for him, Steele replied, “So what? We were rebuilding anyway.”