“Nice monarchy you’ve got there, Charles. Be a shame if something happened to it.”

“Hello, your majesty?”

“Er, hello? Who is this?”

“Liz Truss, the new prime minister. We met briefly on Friday.”

“Ah, right. The turncoat Liberal Democrat who voted remain in the Brexit referendum, yes?”

[Pause] “Yes, but that was a long time ago. I’m calling you to discuss your tour of the capitals of Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland next week. I think I should accompany you.”

“I rather think not. My subjects might get the impression I approve of you and your tawdry band of halfwits.”

[Pause] “Your majesty, the people I represent would be very grateful if you would agree. The Royal Family has been very accommodating over the years, and we would like our cooperation to continue with you at the helm.”

“What the blazes are you talking about, you daft minnow?”

“You don’t remember the 1992 general election, your majesty? It looked like Major’s Conservatives might lose to Kinnock’s Labour Party. On 19 March, three weeks before polling day, two economic figures were due out: the inflation rate and the unemployment rate. Both were going to show increases, and we knew that would be enough for Labour to win. So, on the day those figures were published, Buckingham Palace announced the separation of Prince Andrew and his wife, Sarah Ferguson. It blew the bad economic news off the front pages and allowed us to cling to power for five more years, destroying British Rail on the way. And your dear, departed mother was instrumental in making that happen.”

“Ah, I see.”

“Good, I’m glad you do, your majesty. Now, we have to hold another one of those annoying general elections in a couple of years, so right from the beginning of my premiership and your reign, I need you to show everyone that you know what is good for the country by taking me on your tour.”

“Look, I don’t think that’s such a good idea. 1992 was 30 years ago. You can’t expect a new monarch to be the same as–“

“Oh, I rather think I can, your majesty. I hope you haven’t forgotten that the people I represent control 80% of the UK’s media. We got Brexit through on a wave of deceit and lies, and no one was able to stop us, not even your dear, departed mother. For now, we can let the people of this country forget about your younger brother and his predilection for very young girls.”

“By Jove, that’s blackmail!”

“And we certainly wouldn’t want to encourage the readers of The Sun, The Mail, The Express, The Telegraph and The Times, as well as viewers of programmes like Question Time, to question Prince Harry’s parentage, would we?”

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Perhaps the reason those two men don’t get along is because they are only half-brothers?”

“Damn you!”

“I and the people I represent are not asking for much, your majesty, simply to keep the status quo. We are going to make life extremely difficult for all of the undeserving poor in this country, so, as with your dear, departed mother, if you want the public to support you, you will need to support us. Unfortunately, the poor still have the ability to vote, so we need to distract them.”

“And apart from the tour next week, what else do you want?”

“Not a great deal. Next year, we will decide the timing of your coronation–“

“To take the emphasis off more bad news?”

[Laugh] “Well, it will only be bad news for poor people, your majesty.”

“Very well. I agree. You can accompany me on my tour.”

“Excellent. Thank you, your majesty. See you tomorrow!”