Obsessing about Unconditional Love

You shall have no other gods before me.
You shall not make for yourself a carved image,
or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above,
or that is in the earth beneath,
or that is in the water under the earth.
(Exod 20:3-4)
By Stephen W. Hiemstra
Obsessing about unconditional love—a unique form of idolatry—has become the besetting sin of our time.
Unconditional love is love without conditions. We normally think of motherly love as unconditional and we yearn for it. By contrast, fatherly love has conditions and we chide at the thought. Normally, these two types of love are in balance; when they are unbalanced, so are we. Think of a compass that has lost its magnetism and no longer points north—the damage caused by a broken compass is particularly severe at night or in the midst of a storm.
In the Ozzie and Harriet1 world that I grew up in, Mom never disciplined us. Her big stick was: You just wait until your father gets home. Mom tolerated our behavior; Dad did not. In today’s world where everyone works, the thing missing is the time and patience for mothers to offer motherly love. Our preference for unconditional love may arise because of its rarity. The consequence is a generation beset with anxiety and depression that arise from not feeling worthy of love.
Theologically, our obsession with unconditional love shows up as a focus on consolation and general impatience with calls for transformation (Rom 12:1-2). In Jesus’ words to the woman caught in adultery—“Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more” (John 8:11)—we focus on the first statement (“neither do I condemn you”) and gloss over the second (“from now on sin no more”). It’s like the therapy patient who looks for a therapist who allows them catharsis, but rejects an exploration of personal issues or advice on how to deal with them. Following this line of thinking, a good sermon provides insightful theological reflection, but falls short on application. By contrast, Jesus’ direction to the woman balances unconditional and conditional love.
The dark side of unconditional love arises when it violates the second commandment and becomes idolatrous. Examples of this dark side are everywhere:
Puppies and kiddies are idolized as offering unconditional love. Once pets were primarily the providence of children. Now, photographs of puppies and kiddies have replaced baby pictures online as fertility rates in the United States have crashed.
Porn substitutes for meaningful relationships and demands nothing in return. Pornography is being mainstreamed in society to the point that adult-content magazines are no longer financially viable.
Like Peter Pan, we want to remain adolescents forever and treat adult behavior—adulting—as optional. Our unwillingness to accept the responsibilities inherent in traditional relationships may be exacerbating things like drug use and gender confusion.
Measured against the unrealistic standards of unconditional love, real relationships falter.
While an obsession with unconditional love may reflect inadequate motherly love, it also suggests the absence of fatherly love—conditional love. This is likely the source of many authority issues. Are mass shootings an example of an adolescent lashing out? If our relationship with our fathers is deficient because our father was absent or overbearing, our relationship with other authorities in life may reflect this deficiency. Fathers teach us to deal with our issues, manage conflict, and manage our boundaries, especially with those in authority.
Theologically, Jesus taught us to pray to God as our heavenly father. The giving of the law on Mount Sinai set forth boundaries, the Ten Commandments, that the Nation of Israel to live by. Referring to God as father is not so much a statement of his gender as it is a statement of his authority. God’s love is unconditional in the sense that he created us but it is conditional in requiring obedience to the law (Old Testament) and requiring faith (New Testament), both of which are primarily for our benefit.
If everyone engaged in boundary-free living, life in the community would be impossibly difficult. Fatherly love is necessary for communal life.
The current thirst for unconditional love is unsatiable. It simply speaks to a problem of balance between unconditioned and conditional love. The good news is that in the triune God we have an example of balance.
Footnotes
1 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Adv....
Obsessing about Unconditional Love
Also see:
The Who Question
Preface to a Life in Tension
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