Grief Comes Unexpected like a Sudden Cloudburst – A Man’s Journey Through Grief, continued, #18

I was reading a book the other day, when the author’s description of a character’s love hit me…hard. Yes, I thought, that’s how I felt for Mary Helen during those heady days of courtship. I choked up as I paused my reading to just sit and remember and think of the years during which our love grew stronger.

The days go by. Some fairly normal.

One day I was getting groceries and the thought came as I was buying a treat for myself. She will love these cinnamon rolls. I mean,…she would love these if she were waiting for me at home.

Day follows night. I wake early, make coffee, settle in my recliner and pick up my hymn book, but before I can absorb the words, I glance at her picture on the wall and lose it—for 5 minutes, 15, 35. I didn’t expect that. I thought I could ease into another day as if things were almost normal. 

Putting clothes in the washer, I thought, Mary Helen would say that load is too big. Sigh. OK, honey.

I keep as busy as I can. I attend two really uplifting Bible studies with some great guys. And the days pass. God is good. I get a tooth out that has bothered me for years, in one visit to the oral surgeon. Without having to worry for two weeks about pain and infection. Done within an hour. God is good! Another gift from him…not the missing tooth, but compressing two visits into one!

I’m driving on one of my rural rambles and turn to the seat beside me to point out a special sight…but its empty. No one there. I’m alone.

I dress in the morning and hear in my mind, “You need to get a new shirt. That one is worn out;” as I put on a favourite shirt. OK, maybe I should look for a new one.

Some days in the quietness I hear a sound, a whisper, “Eric.” But it’s just a creak or some random sound.

So here I am imagining things, talking to myself. Behaviour that for others I might counsel professional help.

It’s been a hot, dry summer. The flower boxes are bedraggled. Time to clean them out and get some fall mums…but I just don’t have the heart to. There’s no one here but me to enjoy them.

Will things ever become half-way normal again? The Lord knows. And He hasn’t changed. He is faithful. I need to learn to lean heavy into His arms.   

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