Look what the cat brought in
According to a study, an estimated 275 million animals die in Britain every year. Was urban sprawl responsible for this carnage? Pollution? Sport hunters?
No, researchers have pointed the finger at…
Minky the cat.
Minky wasn’t working alone of course. His accomplices, Buster, Gracie, Cosmo, and several million other domestic felines in the UK are responsible for this, um, catastrophe.
That’s according to the British Mammal Society, which apparently conducted a survey of about cats over a period of five months. Word has it the survey was extremely difficult to conduct:
INTERVIEWER: Excuse me, Ms. Whiskers, isn’t it? I’m wondering if you could answer a few questions?
WHISKERS: [Looking bored]
INTERVIEWER: Um, yes, could you tell me how many rabbits you’ve killed this month? Or would that be a faux paw?
WHISKERS: [Looking bored]
INTERVIEWER: Ah, well then, how about mice? I hear they’re just the cat’s meow.
WHISKERS: [Looking bored]
INTERVIEWER: Cat got your tongue? Ahahaha.
WHISKERS: [Looking bored]
INTERVIEWER: How about worms? Rats? Frogs? You don’t need to give me numbers for all nine of your lives, you know…
WHISKERS: MEOWR! FSST!
INTERVIEWER: Right, I’ll just bleed my way over to my bag and call an ambulance, shall I?
The society members eventually collected data from 964 cats in about 600 households over a five-month period – during which the pets killed more than 14,000 animals. Or at least, killed them and brought them home as ‘presents’ for their human companions. Their actual kill rate might be much, much higher.
Previous surveys have suggested that about 68% of these were mammals, 24% were birds and 1.3% were listed as “unidentifiable,” which means that British cats are either very vicious killers or they cough up really bad hairballs.
The survey also found a small percentage were reptiles. At first, I doubted this statistic, because when I think ‘reptile’, the British countryside is not the first image to spring to mind:
NIGEL SAND LIZARD: Wot’s the forecast today, Alfred?
ALFRED GRASS SNAKE: C-c-c-old and wet.
NIGEL: Wot’s the forecast for the fortnight, then?
ALFRED: C-c-c-cold and wet.
NIGEL: Crikey, I wish me Mam had moved to the colonies with me Dad.
ALFRED: T-t-too right! I hear it’s n-n-nice in Arizona this time of year.
NIGEL & ALFRED: [Sigh.]
Another interesting fact from the survey was that felines with bells were the deadliest hunters, bringing in an average of 19 bodies in five months. (They really had no scruples about killing at all -in fact, you might say they had the morals of an alley cat). The only exception to this finding, was Miffles, who had an unfortunate run-in with a dog that left him almost, well, catatonic.
As hard as the cat quizzes were though, the British Mammal Society has had tougher assignments. How about that rare mouse species study?
INTERVIEWER: Excuse me, Ms. Brie? I’m conducting a survey on mice species.
MS. BRIE: Yes?
INTERVIEWER: Are you a yellow-necked mouse?
MS. BRIE: What did you just call me?
INTERVIEWER: Um… yellow-necked?
MS. BRIE: Are you calling me yellow? A coward?! Do you think I can=t be tough just because I=m a mouse?!
INTERVIEWER: Nononono! It’s a species na-
MS. BRIE: SQUEAK! [Chomp!]
INTERVIEWER: OW! Blimey, that hurt! You’re related to Mr. Whiskers, aren’t you?
I’m guessing the barn owl diet survey wasn’t exactly a hoot, either, as participants had to collect owl … pellets for about four years. And we won’t even get into the problems associated with the – I swear this is true – road kill study.
Why do they do this sort of thing. Because we’re losing animals at a shocking rate, through pollution, habitat destruction, and apparently, our domesticated animals. If we’re losing that many in critters in the UK, think, for example, how many songbirds die worldwide.
The thing is, there’s something you can do about the cat issue: keep your cat(s) indoors. And be sure to spay or neuter them in case they escape.
If you think about it, it’s not only better for the environment, but it’s safer for your cat, too. Cats that roam around outside risk being injured by other cats, being hit by cars, eating toxic garden plants, or picking up an expensive-to-treat disease. Nobody wants that for Fluffykins.
So if you’re smitten with kittens with murder mittens, keep them inside. Purrvana now!
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