Fri. Aug. 26, 2022: The Intersection of Burnout, Exhaustion, and the Blues

image courtesy of StockSnap via pixabay.com

Friday, August 26, 2022

Dark Moon

Pluto, Saturn, Neptune, Chiron, Jupiter, Uranus Retrograde

Sunny and warm

Yesterday was a frustrating day. I went down to the artists working group. Interesting group of people, perfectly nice, and in a variety of disciplines. It was a lot of need and few resources. One individual was trying to get other members of the group to volunteer to do the job for which she is paid. Nope. I’m not doing that. I also realized that every other person in the group had a salaried job with regular pay from the organization they represented. I was the only one where the art is my day job. Yet every time something was brought up to be done as free labor, the undercurrent was that I should jump in and volunteer. Nope. Not doing it.

To be fair, some of that might have been projection on my part, because the demand made of me in the previous location was always, “You don’t have a real job. You have the time to take this on. You owe it to us, because you think you’re all that being a full-time writer.” Which is, of course, bullshit, because writing IS my real job, and I’m not putting aside my own work to do other people’s unpaid labor because they resent that my art is my real job. Again, that was in the previous location. No one said that in the meeting yesterday, so I might have projected the undercurrent due to previous experience. I don’t want to be unfair to anyone here, and what’s been so refreshing here is that they do respect art as a real job.

I will give the group one more shot next month, and then I’m pretty sure I will withdraw. And I guarantee that not one of them will have bothered to check out my work at all between now and then. And I will have checked out all of them.

I’m not getting sucked into another non-reciprocal environment.

I’m looking for an artists’ working group where working artists actually go out and about supporting each other’s work, and, as they get to know it, find ways to expand everyone’s work  to a broader audience. Not a group where people whine, but those being paid by exterior sources except free labor from the rest of us.

It’s noisy in the neighborhood, between renovations happening and students moving in and not understanding how their voices carry yet. When some random stranger brings up something intimate they said that they didn’t realize carried over the whole neighborhood, they’ll learn to quiet down. I mean, if we have to listen to their lives, at least live an interesting life. So far, it’s all eye-rollingly banal. But this is the way it happens, the first few weeks, when people are anxious and lonely and unsettled, and then they start feeling better and it all calms down. If I wasn’t so burned out, I would barely notice.

I was exhausted, burned out, and had a bad case of the blues all day. It didn’t help when the book I read, the newest in a series by an author whose work I have supported for years, used “witch” as a slur against other women. I notice that one particular publsiher, in particular, has taken a hard turn right in the content of their cozies, and this slur is turning up more and more frequently, in books where authors haven’t used it before, and where it’s not organic in the way the characters have been established. It’s another example of traditional publishing moving right.

I felt slapped in the face and spit on by this particular author, who is someone, like I said, whose work I’ve supported for years, whose events I’ve supported, and who I’ve interviewed for articles several times. To say I’m disappointed is an understatement.

Writers can and should write whatever they want. But readers don’t have to engage when it crosses lines unacceptable to them.

Was further frustrated by Staples. I went to order ink and pick it up down at the Pittsfield store. Only it’s not in stock. And they’re not willing to get it into the store for pick up. I could drive to ANOTHER STATE to pick it up, which is unacceptable. I had to order it for delivery. Not only did they charge a shipping fee on an order over $75 (I’ve never paid shipping with anything over $50 before) AND the ink won’t be here until Monday, they refused to honor the ink rebate coupon they’d sent me.

So I guess I have to find another resource for printer supplies. I don’t want to put my money in either Amazon or Walmart. I have to see where else I can order the ink, if I should get it directly from Brother or elsewhere. The prices seem pretty stable wherever the source. It will come down to shipping and other costs. And then other office supplies will need to be sourced elsewhere. I see mentions of indie office supply stores in towns around here; I will start checking them out, and put my money there instead.

So yeah, it was a depressing day, all around. I ended up ordering in Chinese food, because even the thought of heating up leftovers was too much. And two cookbooks I ordered arrived, so that made me happy.

Today, I need to read a friend’s play and give feedback. I have to finish the two script coverages that have been lingering (I’m still fine, deadline-wise). I accepted reading a novel with an eye to adaptation over the weekend that pays well. I read so little last week that it makes sense to read over the weekend. I also have to do some work on the house, so that everything is joyful and sparkling when the inspector comes next week.

I talked to a friend online yesterday, who is also feeling burned out, exhausted, and blue. Part of it could be the weird weather, feeling like it’s in limbo. It’s the end of summer, but hasn’t turned the corner into fall, but doesn’t really feel like either season. Plus, ragweed’s out, which means that goldenrod is soon to follow.

But for me, I think, it goes beyond weather. I think I’ve peopled too much too quickly in the last few weeks. I’m very grateful for the opportunities and invitations and the chance to get to know new people around here. Some opportunities will work out, some will not, but I’ll never know until I take the chance. But I think I stacked up too much too fast. Even though most people are still taking COVID precautions or, at the very least, respecting the precautions, I also feel like I’ve been rolling the dice a few times too often, and I need to back off before I come up snake eyes.

I’m looking forward to the fact that the weather here in the winter is bad, and I won’t be able to do anything beyond the library and the grocery store. I’m ready to hunker down and just focus on the work, with limited socializing (unless it’s old friends). Both for health reasons and for work reasons.

When I said I needed to be re-socialized like a feral cat, I wasn’t kidding.

Ben, my feral cat friend, I am right there with you.

The house next door is getting a new roof. The company is run by a woman, who’s right up there on top of the roof doing the work with her crew. It’s awesome.

I’m frustrated that Amazon doesn’t make it possible to use gift cards or gift tokens for the serial. I have ideas for three small things for the giveaway package that are kind of fun. I’m also working on a couple of designs for bookmarks, that I plan to use to promote the serial. There are a couple of places that print bookmarks reasonably. I may try different designs in small quantities with different companies and see what works best in a quality: price ratio. While I ponder what else to put in the giveaway package.

Have a good weekend, and I’ll catch you on the other side. For all the pressure I’m under through the end of this month and into next month, I really need the long weekend next week.