Thoughts That Run Through Your Head When You Release A Book That Was Hard To Write

Usually, when I release a book, I like to do a bit of tongue-in-cheek post about the thoughts that run through your head, such as:

Reading Your Book: Thoughts That Run Through Your Head Thoughts That Run Through Your Head Now You’re A Published Author Thoughts That Run Through Your Head When You Release A Second Book

I did have thoughts for what is now my third book release too, but they weren’t so funny. Why? Because this was the hardest book to write.

And it wasn’t because I was writing it during 6 COVID lockdowns that spanned 290 non-consecutive days. Or the hell that was months of homeschooling. Not even the mental and physical toll of three postponed surgeries, one major surgery, one unsuccessful surgery, and a follow-up surgery I’m still yet to have, made the book hard to write (although none of those setbacks helped).

This book was hard because it wasn’t working.

It was my fault. I’d written the initial draft in 2017 before the first two Blackbirch books had been published and the storyline needed to be adjusted. While I knew that and attempted to do those rewrites during 2020 and 2021, I held too tightly to the original ideas and couldn’t see that they weren’t that great.

The first round of beta readers tried to tell me. I listened to some feedback and attempted to make things work. The second round of beta feedback said the same things, and I realized I hadn’t fixed the real issues. I also seriously considered giving up. Very seriously considered it.

I honestly didn’t know what to do. I felt I didn’t have what it takes to write my own book, a book in a series I’d been working on for twenty years, where I knew the story and characters inside and out.

It was a ridiculous notion, which goes to show you how bad my headspace was at the time (and that perhaps the setbacks of 2020-2021 had more of an impact than I’d realized).

Add in 7 months of additional rewrites and the book is now published.

Do I love it? More than I did those first ten drafts. It took until draft number eleven for me to realize what all those beta readers were really saying with their feedback and to make the right changes that ultimately led to a better version of the story. One of the first betas even reached out to me after they started reading the published version to let me know how much stronger the book is and that it reads beautifully now (thank god and thank you, Belinda! I really needed to hear that).

With all that in mind, these were the thoughts that ran through my head as I read the manuscript one last time before preparing it for publication—and danced that fine line of wanting my book into the world for others to read, and not wanting anyone to read it at all.

Thoughts That Run Through Your Head When You Release A Book That Was Hard To WriteHere’s my latest book. (Don’t) buy it.It’s full of frustrated tears and the memory of aching muscles from hours of work hunched over a laptop screen.It’s created from sentences I wish I could write better.It features paragraphs I wanted to shape into beautiful images but felt as if I fell short.It has the echo of feelings I felt so strongly, but didn’t have the skills to put on the page with the conviction I wanted.It includes scenes that didn’t achieve what I set out to when I started them.It has chapters I wanted to do justice to but couldn’t work out how.There are typos in there, I’m sure. Ones I’ll find a year from now that will haunt my thoughts from time to time.I wanted to do the best I could. I’m not sure if I did.I don’t remember the words of encouragement from early readers. The compliments on plot twists and character arcs. At things that surprised them, made them laugh, made them feel. I only remember the flaws they pointed out. The confusion and the misunderstandings that I can only hope I fixed.It’s not what it was when I started writing. It’s not the exact idea I had in my head. Some of it is better. Some of it is not.It’s hours of my life. Missed events. Early mornings. Late nights. Sacrificed time with friends and family.It’s what consumed me for years on end.It was, and still is, endless anxiety.It’ll be sold for as cheap as possible. Most of the money made will cover the cost of printing. It won’t give me a living wage or mirror the work put in, yet it still won’t be cheap enough for some readers to consider buying it.I didn’t write it to make money. I wrote it because I had to. Because the desire and need to put these words on the page outweighed everything else.It’s an itch I have now scratched until the next book calls to me.It’s something that turned out better than I thought.It’s something that won’t ever be good enough.It is the best writing I can do right now.It is something I could write better in a few years’ time.It is my art.It is a piece of my soul.It is entertainment for others.It is someone’s future fave book.It is someone else’s waste of a read.Here’s my latest book. Please buy it.Here is my latest story. Would you like to read it?Here is my latest lifelong dream. I hope you enjoy it.

So, those were my thoughts. Did you read any you could relate to? What has popped up in your head during your writing journey? Let’s talk about it in the comments.

If you would like to read Blackbirch: The Ritual, it and the other two books in the series are on sale for a special price right now for a limited time. You can get them in paperback or ebook from various retailers. All the links can be found on this page: Blackbirch.

— K.M. Allan

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