All change

We should be in Saudi where photos from Bex (they arrived this morning) show a rather imposing 10 foot wall topped with barbed wire. Inside the complex, however, their house is lovely. It’s a few feet from the pool and just down from a baby pool, a gym, a shop and a restaurant. Hotel California springs to mind. As ex-military I’m used to this sort of set up (so is C; we lived behind the wire in Northern Ireland), but it still seems strange. 

a strengthening bond

Why aren’t we there with them? Well, mum took a turn at the end of the week before last. The view was she had a UTI which can often send older people a delirious, among many other ailments. As a pre-flight check I popped along to see her on Sunday, by which time a v short course of antibiotics seemed to be doing its thing. Mum managed to walk upstairs and back down again without issue – and she was lucid enough. However, by late Monday she’d taken a turn for the worse and rather than be called back from Saudi, we decided to postpone our flight … which meant keeping Henry with us, a not uncomplicated decision.

a not uncomplicated decision

We got to mum’s on Thursday, having picked Henry up from Penkridge first thing. Mum was in a right old state. We’d sent in the paramedics that morning – the carer having slept overnight for the first time. The paramedic’s view was the same as ours: the three days of antibiotics was not enough and, in any case, nobody could be sure that she’d taken the tablets. Anyhow, with Henry behaving impeccably, we managed to get mum sorted – in her own bed – and comfortable. To be fair, the last time I saw someone this ill it was my dad who was in hospital with dementia and pneumonia. He died a day later. 

we got her downstairs

I had said goodbye to mum in 2012 after open heart surgery for an aortic aneurysm complicated by a massive stroke on the operating table. I was convinced she was going to die. The fact that she’s with us 10 years later is a biological mystery – and the doctors are as confused as all of us. But she is, and we are all mighty thankful as without her, managing my dad would have been a nightmare. How she stayed the course for three years with dad deteriorating by the week is a mystery to me.

Well it’s two days later and we’ve got her downstairs again. She’s sleeping all the time and is now drinking water (and taking her tablets). She even had a shower today, but everything she does seems to be an enormous effort. And she is v sore. At least now we can have an intelligent conversation with her, which means she is much less belligerent. We won’t know where she is until the UTI has gone completely – I think tomorrow night might be the earliest that we will be able to assess where we are. The left hand decision will be more and better care. The right hand decision will be a home. There may be something in the middle, but we can’t yet see it. And, for those of you suggesting we move in (like we have – we’ve delayed Saudi by three weeks), or that she moves in with us – neither of those are options, I’m afraid. It wouldn’t work and, like mum and dad’s parents before them, that is not our family way. I’m sorry if that disappoints you, but it is what it is. 

this is how we all feel

It’s important now to recognise two people. First, Henry, who has been a darling. There is little more to add. My mum scares him, but he’s still as happy as Larry. Second is C. It’s fair to say her relationship with my mum has never been perfect – and the blame there must rest with my mum. Regardless, and noting that C’s mental health hasn’t been in the best possible place for the last couple of months (she’s happy that I share this), she has been magnificent. C’s an ex-nurse, with an additional 7 years’ experience as a care assistant. It could have been chaos here. But, as well as making mum’s house a home for the four of us, she has treated mum with real dignity whilst making sure a non-compliant mum gets the care she needs. As you can imagine looking after an elderly invalid is tough work. Looking after one who is delirious and doesn’t want to shift from the prone position is doubly so. Add in a toddler who has been pulled from the grasps of his parents, and it might have all been unworkable. It has not. And I think it’s fair to say that we have never worked so well together. I love her more now than I ever have. Adversity has that knack, don’t you think?

Who knows where we’ll be this time next week. Mum may not have long with us. Or she might still outlive us all. Let’s hope the answer is somewhere in the middle.

Keep safe everyone.