A Deep Dive
Friday 19th of June 2020
‘You were born fighting. It’s time to stop. Surrender.
‘You wear the Breath around your neck. It’s more than just a reminder to breathe, it’s surrender. It’s a reminder to move from one breath to the next, from one moment to the next, to stop projecting forward and seeing only what you don’t have. Be in this moment, this breath, and see what you have here.
‘Move from one breath to the next, one moment to the next. Surrender.’
I cut myself open and cut them out. Now there’s just an empty space, a gash in my chest from heart to stomach.
There are no external memories, no pieces of anyone I’ve held on to. Once I’ve been hurt by someone I erase them from my world. Friends, family, still living and breathing somewhere, but erased from existence in my little world. No photos, no keepsakes, no gifts or trinkets. Everything I own is mine, I erase all traces of their touch.
I don’t think I even get attached to people anymore, there’s nothing to erase if there was never anything there. It’s also comforting, in a way, to look around me and see only things that I’ve bought, or found or created, grown from seed, poured pieces of myself into. There have been points where I’ve only had myself and found strength in that.
I cut people out when they leave me behind, when they move on, because I can’t move on, I’m stuck. Now, I just have the gapping hole in me and a desperation to fill it with something, accolades, acknowledgement, success, whilst shutting people out so that no one else can take their places. No one else can fill me up then break my heart when they’re done with me.
I guess there’s a lesson there too, you shouldn’t rely on other people to fill those voids.
