Emergency Summer Reading: The Gift of Modesty
Having spent a lovely day at a crowded beach, I just want to re-up my little short reading of A Return to Modesty by Wendy Shalit (all the posts are linked in this last one).
I have the feeling that many mothers are theoretically all in favor of modesty, or perhaps are somewhat conflicted; many fathers don’t really give it a thought (and that is odd to me).
But in reality they just let their kids do what other kids are doing. In conversation they deplore the current state of provocative fashion, but they find themselves incapable of doing anything about it. But I’m here to urge you to change that.
Unfortunately, the envelope has been pushed so far that there is really nowhere to go — and nothing, and I mean nothing, is hidden — and this is by no means a new situation! Decades of string bikinis seem to have settled the matter. I mean, I’m in my 60s and they seem ancient to me. But human nature doesn’t change, and what is immodest will continue to be immodest, even if grandmas have forgotten to blush.
In matters of fashion, we all have a tendency to pose and check our looks out, in that one pose. But when you are moving around, you bend, you twist, you slump, you, in short, do not maintain that pose.
When the article of clothing is extremely, terminally skimpy, you, or more importantly your lovely, innocent, sweet daughter, is, simply put, exposed.
It’s of no use to say that people (men, boys) ought to avert their eyes. That girl, your daughter, is bending over to get a drink out of the cooler and there is a beach full of males over whom you have no control, right behind her, getting a show. A show of your daughter’s precious body.
As I said in the title, this is an emergency. It simply doesn’t matter what other people are doing — doesn’t matter that all the girls in her class are wearing tiny bathing suits (and, not coincidentally, spending time and money on whatever is necessary to mitigate what is being seen underneath and around; hardly a fitting expenditure in any dimension, whether monetary or otherwise — and it’s very strange to think that a girl of 14 or 15 is becoming absorbed in such matters). Maybe think about whether her class and her friends are the best for her, if modesty, if being different, is out of the question. And know that in many communities, many lovely young women are discovering the joys of dressing in an attractive, yet modest way!
The truth is that covering up reasonably is amazingly freeing. Wendy Shalit’s book makes that point admirably. You don’t have to choose between posing and exposing. You don’t have to worry about bikini lines or spend money and time on attending to them — or, well, any of it. You can move without consciousness of self other than that you have confidence.
Don’t we want our daughters to have this gift?
It will take a little… endurance of the ensuing response — which I call attitude. The aftermath won’t be fun. Men are much better at this sort of endurance than women, so my suggestion is to announce the change and then let him enforce. One will also have to change one’s own beach wear… which will not be a bad thing at all, if my observations serve me well.
Also, teach your daughters to have awareness of their surroundings and.. what is the word… plié? dip at the knees — rather than bend over when reaching down in a short skirt, much less a bikini.
Read the book. Women and girls gain nothing but a sort of slavery by being immodest. We gain freedom by being modest. The day, a couple of decades ago, that I discovered that swimsuit can have a little skirt on it was a glorious day of liberty! (Same for all athletic wear!)
Have your teenage daughter bend over wearing her current swimsuit in front of your husband — make him observe. I think then you will have all the support you need. I hope so. This really is a hill to die on.
Relatedly, teach your young boys and encourage your husband to teach them, gently and delicately, to have the habit of what used to be called “guarding the eyes” — simply looking away when presented with immodesty. They can also practice looking at a girl’s face and into her eyes rather than at her body. We can acknowledge that women today are sadly mistaken and girls are not protected (“I feel sorry for them — no one has taught them how free they could be”), and that a boy can do his part by simply looking elsewhere.
I welcome any resources you might wish to leave in the comments for shopping opportunities! Let’s share the information and help each other!
bits & piecesSome nice recommendations for reference books for the family library
The city without divorce
Why all Christians should care about the fate of the Latin Mass
And non-Christians too, many of whom signed what is now called The Agatha Christie Indult. More: The Mystery of the Agatha Christie Indult
An excellent article: Abortion and the Reformation of Male Strength. It’s Pope Pius XI who explored, in his encyclical Casti Connubii, the perennial teaching of the Catholic Church that a woman is queen of her home and lowers herself by competing with men. I wrote about this nearly forgotten but central truth in my book, God Has No Grandchildren. (affiliate link — and if you have read this book, would you be so kind as to leave a review for me there on Amazon, so that others can find it? Thank you!)from the archivesNo, really, let’s read A Return to Modesty
Practically the whole of the task of raising children can be summed up by saying we are trying to give them self control and situational awareness. If you want teenagers who respect your judgement, you need to be willing to make your eight-year-old wait a few minutes for lunch and obey you when you tell him to stop drumming on the table. (Nevertheless, even mindless teenagers are desperately seeking guidance. They will resist, they will wail. Remain firm and give them what they need while you still can.)
Remember, the archives of this blog are edited, collected, and expanded in the three volumes (with ribbon bookmarks! and index! and illustrations by Deirdre!) of The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life! The paperback versions should be coming out soon; meanwhile you can order from Amazon (affiliate link) or from this little shop: Montessori Munchkin!
A few readers have kindly told me that they are using volume 2, Education, as a homeschool retreat in preparation for the coming school year. That could be a wonderful undertaking for a few friends or the homeschooling group, for August, to get a renewed purpose and a vision. If you are feeling a bit panicky, I believe you will find some calm in the chapters. In that volume, I provide an overview for goals and a roadmap for each subject, as well as offering criteria for choosing books and curriculum. See what you think! And if you have read the books, please do leave a review on Amazon so others can find it! Thank you!
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St. Peter Chrysologus (“the man of golden speech”).
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My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
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