Big Brother is Watching, But I’m Not Doing Anything Interesting

I recently got a new phone. Hold your applause.

My current phone (I won’t say my old phone because, by my reckoning, I bought it about 2 years ago) started slowing down, forgetting things, and needing recharging more regularly, which is kind of how I feel some days, but that’s beside the point. I thought getting a new battery would solve the issues, but when I looked into the phone’s history, I realized it was closer to four years old than two, and that—as we all know—is about 147 in phone ye...