Tell me something…
Friday 15th of May 2020
‘Can you tell me something you like about yourself?’
‘I like that I can create things, that every so often I can combine words into something intelligent or unique or beautiful, if I’m lucky, all three.’
‘And what do you use to create these beautiful word combinations?’
‘My mind.’
‘And?’
‘My hands to type, to pick up a pen…’
‘So, you like your mind and hands. What else do you like about yourself?’
‘I like the way I see the world.’
‘So, you like your eyes. Anything else?’
‘… I know I’m being trapped now, so, no.’
‘If you were someone else, looking at you, what would you like about what you saw?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘I’ll rephrase. If you were someone who loved you, what would you like about what you saw? Through the eyes of someone in love, what would you like?’
‘…. The freckles on my skin, like a constellation, like a map… like, if you joined all the dots they would reveal some secret message, some divine deeper meaning contained in the universe.’
‘Look in the mirror. What do you like about what you see?’
‘I like my lips, they’re a kiss waiting to happen, a secret poised on the lower lip waiting to be spoken. I like my jaw line. If I suck in my stomach a little, I can see the potential of it, that little mole on the right, like a 1920’s beauty spot, just in the right place.’
‘Now, list all the things you like about yourself.’
‘I like my mind, my hands, my eyes, my freckles, my lips, my jaw line, the mole on my stomach.’
~
What are we supposed to do with emotions that sit in the body? Does anybody know? Do they teach this anywhere? Do we dance them out of us? Scream them out? Is there some talking method?
You know in yoga practices, sometimes the instructor will tell you to get out a notebook and pen and keep it near by, in case anything comes up. Nothing ever comes up, well, besides the occasional,
‘No, no, I’m not doing that. Nope, that’s not possible. No one’s supposed to bend that way. Why god, why?’
Then the other day something actually did come up. I was on my back, doing what I can’t remember, focusing on the spine or something. Anyway, then moving into a spinal twist, I felt the muscles sort of release an relax, then a sort of pop like a balloon bursting and out from that spot came all these emotions and memories. It was a very strange experience. Pouring out from around my spine a sense of loss, a loss of stability and strength, memories of a person I relied on to supply me with those things failing to provide. But what do I do now? Where do I put it? Do I put it back into that space, tuck it back into that knot that’s always there? What do I do now?
A few moments ago the sun was shining through the window at just the right angle, pouring light through the crystal pendulum hanging from a string. It sent rainbow shards of light dancing across the room, fairy lights, mermaid shimmers. It was very girly and very beautiful.
Now the suns setting behind the houses, the last of its amber light reflecting up to the fringes of the clouds and I’m feeling weird about using the word ‘girly’. Why are rainbows and mermaids and fairies ‘girly’? Why are dragons and monsters and race cars… ‘boyish’? Is that even the right word?
Pink used to be a masculine colour. Everything is about perspective.
My favourite things as a child were my toy cars and ‘The Little Mermaid’. Does that make me a ‘tomboy’ or ‘girly’? Or some undefinable creature sitting uncomfortably between the two gender stereotypes, established centuries ago?
