What I Hate About My Book

In this deeply introspective and important article, Rev. Dr. Brenda Walker talks intimately about what she hates about “Martine: A Memoire”, the book she’s writing

Writing a book is the fulfillment of a lifelong dream, a goal I recorded in my journal in 1971, when I was 12 years old.  The dream was sidelined as I followed the call to ministry and served in congregations for nearly 40 years.  Fifty years later,  I have a full manuscript of sixty thousand words. There is great joy in having participated in writing classes in my local community and  joining writers all over the country through NaNoWriMo.  

My memoir examines the denial, lack of information, secrets and silence within our family surrounding the death of my oldest sibling, whose body was found in San Francisco in December of ‘93. 

It was only after our parents died that I began to uncover, connect and come to terms with the past.

Here’s what I hate about my book:That the reason it is relevant is because LGBTQ rights are under attack.That the gains that have been made, fought for, marched for, and advocated for are being threatened, taken back, or reversed.That disinformation and lies are being spread and counter voices are needed now.That today, in 2022, families with transgender children are forced to flee from states which are criminalizing gender-affirming care.That some of these families departed from Alabama to California, following the same path my oldest sibling, Martine, took on June 2, 1982, forty years ago this week, as she set out from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, to San Francisco, seeking help for her gender transition. What I hate about my book:That sometimes writing it is painful.That I regret not being a more vocal advocate for the LGBTQ community when I served congregations as a pastor for more than thirty years.That Martine died, that we denied, that it took so many years for me to delve into what really happened, that I will never know what really happened, and that I will only ever know what is happening to me and to our world now.That I am tempted to make this about me, my regrets, my rants, my pain.That I wonder if my anger simply serves my ego, rather than enabling me to be creative and become a vessel of change.What I hate about my book:That it is taking so long to finish, and I forget that it will take as long as it will take.That my anger causes me to freeze, when in fact it is my fuel, effective when I focus and let it guide me to the truth.That I can no longer look away as I find out more about the organizations—and the people who fuel and fund them—that contribute to such harm, and I must look and I must share this information now.That I am tempted to forget that there are more people than ever before advocating, aiding, and sharing compassion that shines brighter than condemnation, and love stronger than any bitterness and anger.That I am digging ever deeper, that I am already in so deep, that I may forget that I already have more courage than I ever knew.

Rev. Dr. Brenda Walker is the author of the forthcoming Martine: A Memoir, Her Disappearance, Mysterious Death and What I Learned About My Transgender Sister That Changed the Trajectory of My Life.   Her focus is on helping faith communities become informed advocates and safe spaces for transgender people and their loved ones.  Find her book trailer and blog at https://www.pastorbrendawalker.com/martine-memoir

Brenda and her husband, Dan, live in Richmond, Virginia, by the James River.