Until Death

Like many long married couples, my wife and I are sometimes asked how we've been able to stay together so long. The obvious answer is that we not only love each other, but we really like each other, too. But, as good as that is, it takes even more.

Marriage is God's design. He instituted it saying, "...a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh," (Genesis 2:24, NIV 1984). In response, He must be the center of our marriage and we should worship Him together.

In addition, there has to be total commitment. You must decide to be committed to each other. A decision must be made that goes beyond the emotional feeling of love. You must decide to be one unit. What affects one affects the other. The commitment must be so strong that you are willing to sustain the marriage completely even if the other doesn't. In other words, a healthy marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100 with each person contributing 100% of the required effort. In addition, divorce cannot be considered an option. Don't threaten it and don't joke about it.

I've heard it said that there are only two times men don't understand their wives; before they're married and after they're married. There is some truth in that old joke and that's what makes it funny. But, what else is true is that women are truly great creations and we men could learn a lot from them. We must understand that men and women are not the same and weren't intended to be. For centuries men realized the special place women held and treated them accordingly. We call that respect “chivalry.” The word dates from Medieval times when respect for women was part of a knight's code. The word "chivalry" comes from the 11th century Old French word chevalerie (The Concise Oxford Dictionary of English Etymology by T.F. Hoad). In western culture men continued their chivalrous deference to women for 900 years until the 1960s. It was then, in the "Swinging Sixties," that women's rights groups started demanding to be treated like men. And, unfortunately for them, they are. Women are no longer special; they're equal. Only they aren't, really.

The best indicator of our inequality is in the American jail population where men are nearly five times as likely to be incarcerated (The New York Times, March 2nd, 2009). Another indication; 84% of absent parents are the fathers (Single Parent Statistics by Jennifer Wolf, about.com). And yet another; in 1998, in California, more than five times as many men were arrested for Domestic Violence than women (batteredmen.com). And, what about driving? Men have a 77% higher risk of dying in a car accident than women (Men and Women Drivers: The Gender Divide, by Suzanne Phillips, PSY.D., ABPP). It seems that, while women's rights groups demand to be treated like us, we men should be more like them.

Even in my deficiency, God requires me to be the leader of my family (Ephesians 5:24, Titus 2:5, 1Peter 3:1-5). I'm just glad he gave me a good example. Because I've seen it modeled in my wonderful wife, Tami, I've tried to be more compassionate, use better judgment, and be slow to anger. These things, of course, contribute to a good marriage.

You love your spouse so treat them as such. Be romantic, continue to date, get them gifts, etc... It's your responsibility because, hopefully, you're the only spouse they'll ever have and, if you don't work for their happiness, no one will. If you're lucky like me, you are (or will be) married to your best friend. That makes marriage so much easier.