Hypocrite
Saturday 18th of April 2020
Good morning.
It’s dark, gloomy and raining here in Bristol. People do that don’t they? Commentate on their surroundings?
It’s 9:53, 7 degrees, 88% humidity, heavy showers, with wind speeds up to 28 km an hour. What does that tell you? Did it set the scene appropriately, or is it just numbers and noise?
It was really hard to get out of bed this morning. I woke up around six and just lay there. I tried to get out of bed at about eight, but couldn’t will my feet to touch the floor. I felt like I was shifting, like I wasn’t real, like nothing was real, the floor was an illusion, and if I stepped down I would fall through. I would be swallowed whole, lost in uncertainty forever.
I finally managed it at quarter past nine. Now, I’m here, again, sat on my bed, writing this love letter to you.
Last night I was thinking about the expectations of emotions. I has this theory that barely anyone feels anything genuine anymore. We’re taught how to feel, taught what’s appropriate to feel, when and for how long, by our caregivers and by TV.
Last night I was feeling guilty for not being the emotional wreck that TV and expectation dictates after a family members funeral. This morning I realised I don’t want to feel sad because feeling so would make me a hypocrite. the sadness is there, the loss is there, as usual, I’ve been suppressing it, along with the guilt for feeling it.
My logical mind tells me I can feel however I want and I should let expectation be a factor, especially expectation dictated by faulty social conditioning. I should allow myself to be myself. I can feel whatever I feel. Am I going to listen to that logic?
Last night, when I couldn’t sleep, I reached for my newest reckless purchase, The Starseed Oracle Deck. Anyway, these three cards came flying out with purpose and direction:
‘Earthed’, ‘Empathic Starseed’ and ‘I Remember’. Let’s go through them.
Card one: ‘Earthed’ summary – ‘Learning how to be human. In the world, but not of it’. (Pretty sure that’s an ‘Angels in America’ line.) Oddly appropriate for what I was feeling last night.
Card two: ‘Empathic Starseed’ summary – (This one kicked me in the teeth) ‘Empathic Starseeds are here to shift the world through their physical presence alone – they don’t need to ‘do’ anything beyond being here, thanks to the energetic change their physical presence causes.’
This was a sucker punch because as soon as I read it it felt true. Something about me has always changed the atmosphere, people shift whenever I enter a space. People shift and change around me, and I usually don’t have to say or do anything. Now, I’m in no way saying this shift is a good things, because usually, it isn’t. I feel like I’m not explaining this very well, but it’s a hard thing to explain. I’ve spent my life wondering what’s wrong with me, why even when I don’t say anything it’s as though my energy grates against other peoples, and their energy slams into mine.
So, I’ve gone through all the scenarios. I look too different, my skins got too much red in it to properly black, but I’m not pale enough to be mixed race, that must really confuse people, it throws them off and they don’t know what to do about that, maybe. It does make me laugh though, people find a lot of creative ways to ask about by ethnicity.
‘So… which one of your parents is umm… white?’
Or maybe it’s my eyes, I’ve been told my eyes freak people out, which, I’ll admit, back in school when I was being bullied I took full advantage of.
Basically, my eyes are a really dark brown and in some lights look completely black. A rumour started that I must be a witch or possessed by the devil, and I got left alone for the rest of the school year, it was heaven. I’m not joking, people went from call me names to either ignoring me or being nice to me, in case I put a curse on them.
But, if it’s not my skin colour, or my eyes, it must just be me. I’m too quiet, and when I’m not quiet, I ask too many questions, people don’t like that. Or, I’m too brutally honest, I have to remind myself to not be honest, no one wants honesty. So I try to be as nice and fake and friendly as I can possibly be, minimal eye contact, smile at the questions about my ethnicity and the where are you froms. But I walk into a room and everything shifts, it prickles, every tension anyone has ever held in, everything that needs to be said floods to the surface of their skin like a blush and I see it, I can pluck it right out if I want to. And sometimes, it’s incredible hard to resisit.
I thought it was me, projecting. Maybe it is me projecting. I feel like people see me and don’t like me. Or, they see something out of place and it bugs them, raises things in themselves that they don’t want to see. The card implies this is a good thing, like, you can change an atmosphere with your mere presence, draw out all the good and positive emotions. That has not been my experience. It doesn’t feel like a good thing when I do it. Then I remembered that saying:
“Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so”
So, what would happen if I embraced my ‘gift’, if I walked into a room, saw the tension rising and used my blunt honesty to straight up tell that person I know what they’ve been suppressing, I can see it, feel it, it’s right there, rising to the surface, you should probably face it and deal with it, you don’t need to project it on to me.
Card three: ‘I Remember’ summary – ‘You’re being invited to remember your soul’s greater plan and to surrender to it.’
Okay.
A Brief note about meditating:
So, meditation. It’s terrifying. Just me? Am I doing it wrong? It reminds me of that line from every movie ever ” When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stare back into you.”
There’s this infinite space, and it is infinite, no real end or beginning, and I can get lost in it, just fall in and never find my way out. Sometimes I kind of want to, just to see what will happen.
