How To Write A Healthy Relationship

Writing healthy love is hard! Finding a balance between engaging conflict and fulfilling romance is not an easy task, but it is worthwhile. NaNoWriMo Programs Fellow, Riya Cyriac, offers insight, advice, and examples on how to write healthy relationships.

Throughout my time as a reader and a writer, I’ve encountered an abundance of romances that range from swoon worthy to absolutely disastrous. This is not discounting either end of the spectrum: they have their place. However, there seems to be a noticeable lack of representation for healthy, fulfilling relationships in literature. This is particularly evident in Young Adult literature, where the portrayal of healthy relationships is particularly essential. If you are interested in writing a healthy relationship and filling that void, here are some observations, suggestions, and tips to do that

Obsession and Anger are not Expressions of Healthy Love

As a young adult, I often read books that romanticized obsession and anger. If the love interest punched someone who shows interest in their partner, that is not an indication of passion or love. On the contrary, it should be a glaring red flag. If a character relentlessly pursues their love interest despite resistance, it is not love. It is an obsession, and a clear sign that the character views the other as their property. It’s tempting to use these actions as expressions of passion because it is easy and bold. 

And sure, you definitely can! But avoid romanticizing them and claiming that they are normal in a healthy relationship. If you do, you run the risk of letting your readers glorify and pursue an unideal version of love (especially if you write for younger readers). If you do use these, acknowledge the toxicity and danger.

I say this because I once was one of those impressionable readers who viewed love as obsessive, passionate, and possessive. This caused me to develop an unhealthy ideal of what a secure relationship should look like. Now, I’m in a healthy relationship, but it took a lot of self-insight and reflection to override those influences.

Security, Trust, and Communication are Expressions of Healthy Love

Healthy relationships are founded on security, trust, and communication. Your character’s healthy relationships should also represent these key values. First is security. Attachment theory shows that dependency is normal in healthy relationships. After all, you are giving your heart to someone. Therefore, there should be an inherent trust laying at the foundation. Your characters don’t have to flip over a table if the other partner got lunch with a work colleague. Sure, they can be jealous, but there are healthy ways to express jealousy. 

If you’re aiming to write a healthy relationship, consider this solution to the problem. Communicate why character B grabbing lunch with a colleague made character A feel a certain way. Maybe it’s because they’re insecure? If that’s the case, the character B can reassure them. If it’s because the other person has made suspicious advances before, then character B can respect character A’s feelings and create distance with the colleague. Obviously, characters are flawed. They aren’t programmed to communicate well, and relationships put characters in a very vulnerable position. Thus, it’s necessary to show both lows and highs in a healthy relationships

Healthy relationships Have Lows and Highs

Healthy relationships take time and effort to form. Couples in real life rarely adjust quickly to opening up their heart, so why should your characters. A healthy relationship is bound to have arguments, disagreements, worries, and insecurities…particularly in early stages. Maybe your characters disagree about where to eat dinner. Maybe they feel like they aren’t getting enough affection and attention from their partner. There are many different relationship conflicts to explore. Here is a list of a couple common ones. It’s perfectly okay to include conflict in the story of a healthy relationship. After all, it mimics real life! It’s also okay for characters to resort to unhealthy methods of responding to conflict as long as you, the author, emphasize that it’s not healthy. 

How do you do this? You don’t have to outright break the 4th wall and say, “by the way, this isn’t healthy.” You can have the character shocked by the behavior. You can have a friend or loved one tell the character that the habit isn’t okay. Sometimes, this revelation won’t occur until later. But as a rule of thumb, if something feels wrong, it is likely to be wrong. Trust your gut.

Lows make the drama, but highs make the swoon worthy moments that compensate for those lows. Typically, healthy relationships should have a magic ratio of 5:1; 5 good moments for every bad one. These moments can be buying flowers, getting dinner, reconciling a conflict, or even something as small as receiving a kiss on the forehead. These moments don’t have to be big scenes in your novel, but it should be clear to the reader that the relationship still has its shine.

Healthy Relationships Are…Boring?

Maybe the reason healthy relationships aren’t as featured in novels is because they can be a little boring in the context of the book. Relationship highs and lows keep a reader on their seat, which is why many writers are drawn by the lure of a toxic relationship. It keeps things moving! 

This can also explain why many healthy relationships are reserved for auxiliary characters. But I argue that a well-written healthy relationship can be just as exciting and balancing.

For one, the relationship you’re writing about doesn’t always have to be healthy. The characters can start off having a toxic dynamic. Through effort and time, they can unlearn their habits and end the story while being in a fulfilling relationship. This is just as impactful as showing healthy behaviors throughout, and arguably, more influential and inspirational to readers and the plot. 

A healthy relationship can balance out a heavy plot. If your story has a heavy plot with intense worldbuilding and fight scenes, consider balancing it out with a healthy and stable relationship. It can bring light to dark moments and cause the reader to ship your characters endlessly. 

Not Every Relationship Needs to be Healthy

Not every relationship in your story needs to be healthy. Some stories will be about abuse. Some stories will be about learning to love. Every story will require a different relationship dynamic, so don’t feel bad if you’re not writing a healthy relationship. However, good relationships should be striving towards being healthy, while bad relationships should be acknowledged as bad. Too many times have I read books where unhealthy relationship habits were normalized and romanticized. As writers, it’s our responsibility to be accurate to our readers, especially if we write for young readers.

Riya Cyriac is the 2022 Programs Fellow at NaNoWriMo. She is also the Executive Director of The Young Writers Initiative. She attends the University of Texas at Austin, and is currently working on a fantasy novel. She writes more advice on her blog.