Returning To Myself

It’s 11 here. I’m wide awake. I’ve been working on being in school this fall.
I have a lot of regrets. I have a lot of fears. I don’t know the path to do what I want, and I fear I might have started too late.

I’ve been sick since last Wednesday or Thursday. I don’t know, the days seem to run together. I’m trying to remember to take my meds and take meds for sickness… And get enough fluids (IT SHOULD BE WATER) so I don’t kill my kidneys and bladder. I take so many meds.

I’m struggling, at the same time for privacy reasons I’m not open to sharing specifics. What I will say is my heart is broken. I’m healing. I can tell because I’m moving to action, I’m writing again, I’m getting back into the things I love.

Still, I can’t push myself to be held. I’m fragile. Too fragile to play interpersonal games. You know how we stay connected to friends who are our chosen family even after we are devastated by something they’ve done. They’ve apologized or they aren’t technically wrong. See they checked all the boxes, but you’re still disappointed.

On top of that, I don’t seem to understand things that seem like basic instructions. In life I’m literal. I follow instructions to the letter and get in trouble because they were just a suggestion and not the real rules. I need help interpreting and comprehending human behavior. What rules are real, which ones are suggestions.

I’m lost and found.

I’m sad and hopeful.

I’m moving forward and it feels, like getting nowhere at all. I just want to disappear and be famous, too.