I walked into a bar and metaphor.

Figure A: Metaphorus Rex

By two in the morning she (see Figure A) was a nine. *Ba-dum-dump*



Isn't it fun to twist our language? My three favorites are analogies, similes, and metaphors. You may have forgotten the difference, so allow me to demonstrate.



If you're female and someone says having sex with you is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway, that's a simile. The implication is that the hallway is large, when compared to the hotdog. Most women would take offense to this, because the man saying the quote is unlikely to be criticizing his own unsatisfying cocktail weenie (metaphor).



Other ways to convey the point using linguistic tricks to describe awful sex include, from the man's point of view:


Going down on her is like bobbing for dead goldfish. - Analogy
She holds the Grand Canyon between her thighs. - Metaphor
Her breasts are like eggs over easy. - Simile



And, from the woman's:


Having sex with him is fun as flossing but it doesn't take as long. - Analogy
His penis is his third thumb. - Metaphor
The face he makes when he orgasms is like a retarded pug taking a dump. - Simile



Perhaps some non-sexual examples will help drive my dull point (metaphor):


Her ass runneth over her jeans. - Metaphor
He's a hairy, giant infant with narcolepsy. - Metaphor
Her Facebook updates are like chemistry class. - Simile
His bathing suit is like a baby carrot hammock. - Simile
Getting her to put down her phone is like taking an infant's blankie. - Analogy
Kissing him is like getting hit in the face by a balloon filled with syrup. - Analogy



I now return you to your regular scheduled life hoping your day is like a Nutella brownie--wonderful.