Why Do I Write?

I want to be able to say that I simply write for me. I write to heal. I write to express myself. I write to maybe share some wisdom with other people.

I want to be able to say that I don't care how many people actually look at what I've written. That the numbers mean nothing.

But, they do.

I notice when something has been liked less than something else. I start to spiral, wondering what I could have done differently to make people like it more.

I sit in that slump for a while. Desperately grasping for validation from people that I probably don't even know.

Then, I lose the desire to share my words. In whatever platform that may be.

Luckily, I have given myself multiple outlets where I can at least start something that seems promising.

When I first start writing a story, there is nothing to be lost. If I share it with people, it leaves them wanting more. They encourage me to continue, so I do.

Then it turns into a true story. I start to panic that I've left something crucial out. I worry that it's not believable. I stress that it's not living up to whatever standards were set when I first shared it with whomever.

Another story lost. Waiting for me to return.

Great. I'll move on to something else.

The healthiest outlet I've found for myself has been HitRecord. It provides me with small projects that I don't necessarily have to follow up on. The people are often encouraging and responsive.

However, we fall back into the "how many people liked this". They have a system of "hearts", as well as "featured works", and "highlights". I constantly struggle between the line of "is this good enough to share" and "I'm doing this for me. I need to write to improve".

It's a scary place to be, and I really appreciate the version of me that writes for me. As selfish as that might be, that's ultimately what it is.

I am writing to work through some trauma or question or indescribable emotion. I am writing to tell a story that is really allowing me to become someone else, even just temporarily. I float between creating my own characters and using existing ones to play off. I like to capture something that is relatable to the humans who know that fandom while allowing my imagination to live it.

So, once again, I find myself at this crossroads. I am frustrated that I care about how many people have looked at something. I lose the will to keep writing. And, why?

Well, honestly, it's because I think that there is something worthwhile in the words I'm sharing. I think there is something that can be taken from what's there. No, it's not the best written work to ever exist, but there's still something there I need to share.

Even if the impact is that you started to think about the characters and the setting and have decided it's not believable, at least I got you thinking. Why is it not believable? What is it that upset you?

This thought of why I write has been tickling the back of my mind for a few days now. I didn't realize it was there as the stress of other things in life took over the forefront of my mind. But, there it is. In the quiet distractions of mindless work, they snuck through.

The simple comment of a friend saying, "I miss that character. I need to finish reading so I know what happens."

The importance of what is behind that statement. Of what that means to my work. The fact that this character allowed enough of an impression that they are missed once they are no longer prominent.

So, I suppose that is to say that I am looking to find purpose through my written word. Especially in these times when it's so hard to find a place to have a voice.

I find my purpose through my words. These words spark my creativity, they open the doorway to express what I'm feeling. I know this is one of my strengths, and that's why I take such pride in sharing a lot of my words.

It gives me such a great sense of purpose to know that I can have some sort of an impact just by (mostly) eloquently putting some words together and sharing my thoughts.

As I allow myself to be more open and honest with my thoughts on something, I find that my writing becomes lighter, less timid, more expansive to what it is that I'm trying to share. Instead of working to create a scene between characters, the scene fills itself out. It effortlessly creates a space for me to work with.

I can flow and create and come back later to hate it. Or to love it. Or to decide that it could be better.

But it's all just me. An imperfect human working through something. So, I will continue to start by loving my work for me, and maybe that love can continue to spread to things around me.